The Hub (Open RP)

[CatDoom]

I'm game; here's what I've come up with:

Eiprek Hafspel [ˈeɪ̯prɛk ˈhafspɛl] is a human from a family of traders originating in the city of Raap [raːp], which lies near the border between Trahern and Braydon. Located at a crucial mountain pass, the alpine settlement was formerly an independent city-state and center of international trade, as well as the home of a renowned university. During the Fifty-Years War, Raap was occupied by forces from Trahern, and used as a staging-ground for several of their offensive campaigns. Although the fighting rarely came close to the city itself, the war disrupted the trade routes that sustained the Raap's economy, and the occupation forces visited countless abuses on the populace. The treaty that finally brought an end to the war failed to provide for the restoration of Raap's independence, a compromise between the two great powers in the interest of peace, and the subsequent imposition of royal monopolies and tariffs by the Crown of Trahern drove most of the local merchant class out of business. Furthermore, the university, many of whose students had already fled during the occupation, was purged of "subversive elements" by royal decree, ultimately leaving it a shell of its former self.

The Hafspel family was just one of the many that left Raap at the end of the war. Seeing which way the wind was blowing. Eiprek's father, Heitrek, gathered what he could of the family's remaining wealth and led them in search of greener pastures. The ensuing years were hard on the family, and by the time Eiprek finally settled down in Hub he had already buried both of his parents and seen his family's fortunes dwindle to nothing. Since that time, Eiprek has managed to establish himself as a small-time importer, though in doing so he's found himself deeply indebted to some less-than-savory characters with ties to the city's underworld. In the interest of keeping his creditors off his back and possibly rebuilding some of what his family had lost, Eiprek is always on the lookout for new opportunities for profit, and isn't above working with smugglers or thieves if he's relatively confident that he can get away with it.

Eiprek is, for the most part, a practical man - he's had to be to survive - and he does his best to judge everyone by their individual actions and merits. Although his heart seethes with hatred for the King of Trahern and his minions, he's seen for himself that the common Trahernese are every bit as oppressed as the people of Raap, and he saves his resentment and distrust for those directly connected to the throne. His opinion of Braydon and Sylvane is not much higher, as he sees their disregard for the plight of Raap as a betrayal. Although his initial impression of the Salthans was colored by their alliance with Trahern, he probably respects the govenment of the Republic more than he does any of the other ruling bodies in the region, as they at least had the courage to throw out the king that dragged them into an unjust war.

Aside from his personal concerns and ambitions, Eiprek also looks out for his three sisters, Alka, Heika, and Enne. All are of marriageable age, and he'd very much like to help them find suitable husbands, preferably ones who could provide them with financial security and a comfortable standard of living. That said, he's also intensely protective of them, and reacts with no little hostility when they are propositioned by someone he considered unworthy of their affection... often to the girls' chagrin. Indeed, by his standards, there may well not be three suitable grooms in all of Hub.

---

I'll try to work him into the story shortly, once I've caught up with recent posts. I started working on the character yesterdat, but had to stop, so I'm a little behind.

[gufferdk]

((OOC:

Soo, have I understood the concept correct if I assume I then make up what happens then? Still not totally sure about how this works.

Yep, how does your character respond to this guy? We just go back and forth responding to what each other's characters do.

Thanks.

A human man approaches C'uggwipla. He an older man, maybe in his mid forties, with a beard that's graying that reaches down to his collarbone. Next to him is a young human woman. Both are wearing hoods up, as if to conceal their identities.

"Excuse me, you are C'uggwipla, yes? From the Northern Kingdom?"

"My name is Jak Stonecliff. I know you don't know me, and I hope you will forgive me, but I was refereed to you by mutual acquaintances in the trade guild, and I don't know who to turn to."

He looks around. "Can we speak somewhere, more private, in this pub here perhaps?"

"Errh... Who exactly rerered you to me? and how long time are we talking about? I have an important meeting so I won't be able to talk for mare than, say 10-15 minutes at most.
And what is it all about. As I said I am a busy man so I don't want to be wasting my time. You say it is private, but would you be willing to just reveal the basics of it. It feels risky to just accept to talk in private with a man from the street, even in the good areas of such a fine city as this, and even one clothed in such fine fabrics as you.

[k1234567890y]

I don't know if what I have written is ok...

--------------------------------

when they spoke Braydonian, Silvanian and Trahernian to Akari, Akari was confused, although it seems that Akari started to realize that they were trying to help her.

When they spoke Napaj, Akari heard some familiar words, although Akari still couldn't fully comprehend any of the sentence.

With the help of the interpretor, they finally had some way to communicate with each other, although their communication was slow and impeding.

Akari realized that the lizard person who tried to help her was named Kari Gishersorel and is a political figure of the town.

Akari then introduced her self after a while, although it seems that she is a bit shy from introducing herself "我い名いす高橋明、高橋いす我い姓、又ん明いす我い与えいわﾟん名(IPA: /maɪ nɑ:m ɪs takahaʃɪ akarɪ takahaʃɪ ɪs maɪ kɪnsnɑ:m ʊn akarɪ ɪs maɪ ge:vən nɑ:m/, Translation: My name is Takahashi Akari, Takahashi is my family name, and Akari is my given name)..."

"吾、、、吾びんせぃいる飢りっぐ今(IPA: /ɪk/.../ɪk bɪn si:r hʊŋgrɪç naʊ/..., Translation: I...I am very hungry now...)" Akari said, Akari had not eaten anything for almost two days.

"I think so" Kari replied, "let's get something to eat, dear"

Kari decided to bring Akari home and take care of her for several days.

--------------------------------

Foolster41, is Napaj a Germanic language or something similar? As Urban Basanawa is a West Germanic language with heavy influence from Japanese, so I asked.

Also, a second character is now here...

[احمکي ارش-ھجن]

No, what you posted there is rather fast-paced and not plausable.

No-one just sees a picture of a random girl and be like "Oh,I must find her and marry her"
Especially not some crime boss who probably has multiple suiters and more important things to do with his resources.

[k1234567890y]

No, what you posted there is rather fast-paced and not plausable.

No-one just sees a picture of a random girl and be like "Oh,I must find her and marry her"
Especially not some crime boss who probably has multiple suiters and more important things to do with his resources.

ok ... I will modify it

I have modified it...

[Foolster41]

It is Aech ((a name you do recognize as being in the trade guild who works in the Hub.)) who refereed me. I admit, I don't really know him all that well, but he said you'd be willing to help.

It is not so much the matter itself, but for fear of being seen by the wrong people. You see, I came here because on a recent trip to a settlement near here on the other side of the mountains my daughter was kidnapped, and apparently brought here. I managed to track her kidnappers down and rescue her, but now I fear the crime lord's goons is after me, a nasty man named KaKa Kakela Hikashatusha Kes."

"Now I don't have money for the journey home. I've been seeking work, but every day I spend here is a day that the gang might find me. The city guard are too busy, especially with these killings to give protection, and the council won't see me, I'm a nobody with little influence. The Salthans, Sylvanians and Braydonians won't listen to me. You know how they are, stingy. "

"You are going to a meeting with the trade comity. All I ask is you deliver this note and gift to Fank Allstone, two bottles of Braydonian Whiskey. He is a Trahernian adviser on the trade council. Will you do this for me?"

He offers to you a sealed letter, and a box, wrapped in paper. The box is fairly heavy, and is about a foot tall, seven inches long and 4 inches thick.
...

Taking strangers into her home is perhaps unusual for Kari to do, but she saw the girl was in trouble, and seemed harmless, so she was willing to help.She introduced Kari to her son, Janes ("I gave him a human name.").

The house is small, though as a senator maybe a little larger than most houses, Kari insists on living simply. The first floor is mainly the living and dining area, with a kitchen attached. Through a small sheet that acts as a door is the bathroom with a small bathtub.
She made room for her upstairs, a curtained off area of the upper floor. There are no walls or even doors. Privacy is not a very large concern culturally, at least n terms of having much distance between people in terms of sound, and it's likely people will see each other's silhouettes though the walls.

She would find staying with them that they live according to Salthan customs. She might be embarrassed to see Janes walking around the house, and even outside naked, as is the custom that young children prefer to play without the encumbrance of clothing (this is also after all, in the hot climate of the desert), and because they are considered too young to know any better.

The food they eat is all eaten with the hands,no utensils are used. Their food consists of things like bread stuffed with fish into "pockets", breaded sausage, breads with vegetable dips and thin soups that can be drunk.

((There are a number of Salthan cultural things you can do during your stay. There is a Salthan bath house in this district, or they could go to see Salthan theater, or see watch a sports game (called nenksadache) ))

I'm getting a sort of Gaston vibe from this Howard character.
Perhaps he can show up over these several days and see her and be fixated on her.

Napaj is "Japan" backwards, because I saw your language was similar to/based on Japanese (the Hiragana characters) and I need some sort of name and didn't feel very creative at that moment. ))

[k1234567890y]

Akari decided to take a bath first, just like most girls, Akari does not like the feeling of not taking a bath after sweating a lot. Also, in order to help the communication, the interpretor was with Akari at Kari's house.

"い、、、いすた吾能ん洗あしゃん我と初と？(IPA: /ɪ/.../ɪsta ɪk kan waʃən mɪ tə.i:rəst/, English Translation: Ca...can I take a bath first?)" Akari asked.

"sure, but don't forget to eat after taking a bath" Kari replied.

Then Akari went to take a bath, after taking a bath, Akari felt better.

After taking a bath, Akari put on her cloth again, Akari had not got any other clothes yet, so she still wore the spacesuit.

Akari was eating with Kari's family member, however, Akari is a vegetarian, she does not eat meat.

"What's wrong dear? we have so many delicacies" Kari asked.

"吾、、、吾ね食えいと肉(IPA: /ɪk/ ... /ɪk nɛ e:t fli:ʃ/, English Translation: I...I don't eat meat)" Akari replied.

"Oh my goodness, no wonder you are so thin...poor girl..." Kari thought.

Even though Akari does not eat meat, Kari still tried to make sure Akari would eat enough food.

--------------------------------

More: show

((There are a number of Salthan cultural things you can do during your stay. There is a Salthan bath house in this district, or they could go to see Salthan theater, or see watch a sports game (called nenksadache) ))

I'm getting a sort of Gaston vibe from this Howard character.
Perhaps he can show up over these several days and see her and be fixated on her.

Napaj is "Japan" backwards, because I saw your language was similar to/based on Japanese (the Hiragana characters) and I need some sort of name and didn't feel very creative at that moment. ))

ok lol

I have an idea of actually developing Napaj though...

[Foolster41]

((I didn't think about how the language barrier would be an issue, it is a little weird if the translator is hanging around all the time too, though I think she could probably easily communicate wanting a bath with signing, and being vegitarian.))

Before the bath, Kari showed her how baths are taken. People wash with soap and then rinse off before getting into the bath from a pump spigot.

The next morning, Lesi the translator arrived, and Kari communicated through the translator.
"I'm afraid I'm going to be busy with work, and Janes has to go to school.
But Lesi here will be happy to act as a sort of tour guide. You should go see some sights. You might visit the bathhouse, and relax, or catch a show at the theater. Or there is a stadium. I believe today the local team,the diplomats are playing the Drunk Kes, from Ten Terak. There is also a Santhan temple, not as big or elaberate as the ones in Karathe or even Ten Terak, but still is something to see. I will see you tonight, and then we need to discuss on how we can help you get home, or to wherever you want to be."

((Giving suggestions of what you might do, including some of the ones I mentioned before and some new ones. Of course feel free to come up with what you want to do, Just tell me where you want to go and I can describe it and we can contenue from there.))

[k1234567890y]

Lesi first brought Akari to the theater, and she even tried to tell Akari about the plot of the dramas, however, as Akari has autism(being autistic can make a person less likely to identify with fictional characters) and does not speak any language used in the Hub and can only understand some words in Napaj, Akari is pretty withdrawn from the drama.

Lesi asked Akari "how do you think about that, Akari?"

Akari answered "......"

Akari did not say anything, but Lesi thought that Akari did not like the drama, so she decided to bring Akari to the bathhouse. However, some accidents happened in the bathhouse.

When Akari arrived the bathhouse, a human male tried to harass Akari and even tried to assault Akari, which made Akari pretty angry, so Akari had a fight with that guy, and despite that the guy was muscular, much heavier and much taller than Akari, Akari still managed to throw him over the shoulder, then that guy ran away, which shocked everyone, including Lesi.

"Why does she dare to fight..." that guy thought when he was running away.

After that guy had ran away, Lesi came to Akari.

"What's wrong?" Lesi asked.

"彼、、、彼試くとと犯がん我、、、(IPA: /hɪ/.../hɪ fərsi:kt tə bəli:dɪgən mɪ/, Translation: he...he tried to offense me...)" Akari answered.

"/bəli:dɪgən/?" Lesi was somewhat confused

"とどぅうんそうむ事すだいすね良ど(IPA: /tə du:n so:m dɪŋgəs də ɪs nɛ gu:t/, Translation: to do something that is not good...)" Akari answered.

"Oh" Lesi answered.

On the other hand, Lesi sighed "Oh my...". she was sad and mad for what Akari has underwent.

But Akari decided to take a bath first, so she still stayed in the bathhouse, so Lesi decided to take a bath with Akari in the bathhouse.

From what Akari had said, Lesi learned that Akari was from another world, and Akari was a fighter pilot, and was later chosen to get trains to be an astronaut, and Akari also stated that she has received some training so she has the ability to fight back such a big guy; however, Lesi could not believe that Akari serves for the military, and could not believe anything Akari has said, she could just not realize them, and she only saw Akari as an imaginative girl living in her own imaginations.

--------------------------------
I don't know if this is good or not...by the way, I really have made something of Napaj...

[Foolster41]

Lesi took them to a performance of kalossannailegiloshe ("the lovers of the divide"), about two young lovers who were of different clans during the clans period. Akari tried to whisper the plot to her, so she knew what was going on, but didn't seem to like it much, even the exciting conclusion with a sword fight.

Next they went to the bath house.

The bath house's first room is a small room with a Salthan man behind a counter. Lesi paid and they went into the room divided by the red curtain and undressed. There was the showers where they soaped and rinsed. Akari was done first and went out another curtain into the bath itself. The room is a large inset pool. There are doors leading out of the room with signs indicating they are for the sun drying room and cold baths.

The bath house is mix-sex. Most of the occupants are salhan, though there are a few humans, and a Sylvanian woman with a child as well.

"Hi there." Akari turned to see a human male, standing naked with his hands on his hips. "You're a cute one. What do you say after your bath you can come to my place, we can undress again." He gave a suggestive wink. Akari didn't say anything but turned. The man put his hand on her bare shoulder. "Hey, don't turn away from me."
She promptly grabbed his hand and threw him over her shoulder onto the hard tile. The man ran back into the men's changing room.

Lesi then came out and heard what happened. She offered to take her home, but Akari insisted she wanted to stay for the bath, so they stayed, relaxing in the hot pool.

((I'm not sure if you were already aware that the baths in Saltha are mixed-sex, or if that'd be something that bothers Akari. I'm assuming the encounter with the guy was after they entered the bath proper, though I don't know if that's what you intended. Let me know if the order of events is wrong, or if I got some detail wrong.))

[k1234567890y]

((I'm not sure if you were already aware that the baths in Saltha are mixed-sex, or if that'd be something that bothers Akari. I'm assuming the encounter with the guy was after they entered the bath proper, though I don't know if that's what you intended. Let me know if the order of events is wrong, or if I got some detail wrong.))

ok, I don't think I did aware of that, and thank you for your suggestion. I will intake your suggestions

By the way, I don't think Akari would be shy from showing her body in front of people, and I don't think mixed-sex bath would bother Akari, what made Akari angry was that someone tried to assault her...and I think I should say now, that Akari does not only have a good-looking face, she also has a physically very attractive body, such a combination can bring many problems to her.

[Foolster41]

"It is good to see one who can take care of herself like your friend here, Lesi." A slightly plump male Salthan who is in the bath next to Lesi.
"That dunk got what he deserved. Uh, It is good to neet you by the way. My nane is Gifuga" He put his hand out palm upwards and bobbed his head, then put then back on the edge of the pool behind him.
"So, if you don't nind, nany people have stories, and I love stories. What brings you to Hub? Ny'd be glad to say nine. I'm on a vacation, thought I'd take a little bit tine away from my little inn. Never been to hub before. So 'why not?' I thought"

[k1234567890y]

Lesi and Gifuga talked to each other, while Akari was doing her own thing, and did not participate in their dialogue, even if they were talking in Akari's native tongue, this could happen, not mention to that Lesi and Gifuga were speaking a language she had not learned yet

Gifuga also found that Akari was quiet and was doing her own things, even Lesi and Gifuga are not human beings, they still noticed that Akari is different from most human beings, so he tried to ask Akari some question.

Gifuga tried to have more interaction with Akari, so he went near Akari and said "what's your story, human girl?"

Akari said "?"

Gifuga told Lesi "she seems to be a little confused, what happened to your friend?"

Lesi said "I think that's because she does not speak our language, probably that's why she feels isolated."

Gifuga said "Oh my...she must be from a place far away from here...let's see how we can help her..."

Lesi said "That's why I am here, don't worry, and I am happy if you want to help me."

After taking a bath and having a good chat with Gifuga, Lesi told Akari "Akari,"

Akari said "?"

Lesi said "I think you were isolated from me and Gifuga, I think that's because you didn't speak our languages, so I decided to teach you the common language spoken here"

On the other hand, Gifuga was attacked by a gang of eight human beings when he passed a small ally after he had left the bathhouse, those human beings broght weapons like clubs, knifes, swords, etc, and Gifuga had no weapon.

"Die lizard, die!" a human being said.

"You can't stop me!" said Gifuga.

Gifuga tried to fought back, but there were eight people, he struggled to fight against them, however, he still managed to break the head of one of them, and an arm of another one. After breaking the head of one of them and an arm of another person, they ran away. Although he won and those people fled away, he was injured, although his injuries were not serious.

----------------------------------------------------------------

maybe we should also write about characters proposed by others?

[احمکي ارش-ھجن]

*sigh* I find your dialogueing to be too simplistic and forward. Like, the event with Gifuga being attacked was potrayed so casually, as if the event was of equal or lesser importance than the bath scene. It's like describing a war and being like "oh hey, meanwhile a major character died". Actually, you didn't even describe a war, you described something that could hardly be considered an encounter.

Akari's autism

This constant mentioning of this is becoming incredibly annoying and somewhat offensive: to the reader, for it is like you don't have confidence in the readers' memory and intelligence to remember your mentioning it the first time, and to people like me with autism, for this incredible stereotypical.
If you want to make a good character with autism, I suggest you read the book The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time.
In fact, you shouldn't even HAVE to mention her autism. Autism should not need to be her defining characteristic.

All in all, your story writing skills need quite a bit of work.

[Foolster41]

((OOC:
I'd say that you shouldn't feel like you need to push the story forward with action and such, it's okay if things are a bit slow at times and more centered on conversation with characters learning about each other and each other's cultures. At least for me, I have a lot of fun with slow-moving RPs. (Though I guess not everyone likes the slower pace admittedly).

I admit the attack on the bath house felt a little arbitrary. I understand you were trying to link it with the rest of the plot, but it doesn't seem to make much sense to me that they'd attack someone (out of all of the other lizard-folk there) randomly in front of so many witnesses in a Salthan district.
(For example, the two thugs who killed the Salthan before were in a human district and waited until he was chased away from public sight.).
Though maybe it'd make more sense if they attacked Lesi later in the street somewhere, where the crowds aren't so thick?

(Edit: I missed that this was outside, so this can work, I misunderstood and thought it was inside the bath house)

Also, I didn't say anything because I thought the little bits you were doing with Lesi were alright and fitting with her character, and perhaps I should have said something at the beginning. I apologize for that.

Generally players don't speak or act for other player's characters. They might presume being allowed things that would make sense they'd allow, but generally it's a back and forth. It's alright to have really short posts if your character is asking a question, or permission to do something and you're not sure the other character would allow.

I'd really recommend you read this RP. This was one of my first RPs,. but I think everyone else did a good job of making this flow and be a lot of fun. You can see how we built off ideas from one each other, and did short bits.

Thinking about it, I suppose there is a big advantage to having at least two characters per player, to banter back and forth and give more freedom to do stuff. I notice most if not all of the other players were in pairs, or larger groups. I think if I do this again, I'll suggest people have at least two characters together. It might be a good idea to invent some way to have another character join each character maybe? Not sure if that's doable.

We're all new at things sometimes, I'm sure giving it some time you can get the hang of it.

Edit: I've been thinking how to use this for what happens next. I think I have an idea.

Also, I'd be fine with skipping a few days and say Lesi quickly taught Akari the common language, it might be a bit of a stretch to learn it in a short time, but considering it might help with moving the story along better that'd be fine.

))

Gifuga lifted himself up. "Thank you," he said. "That was good fighting. It seems these dunks are causing more and more trouble these days. I wish I could say this was the first time I've had trouble. It must be my fanily connections with trade groups from Saltha to the hunan nations. Not all hunans like that. In fact, there is a trade meeting going on this week that's very important, so the anti-non-hunan groups are all the more ubset. The bolice are too busy, but there must be a leader of some kind who's organizing these grouds. If you could find them and bring them to justice, by bringing evidence to the bolice, or naking then. disappear, I'd pay you well. What do you say?"

Lesi translated all this for Akari, and waited for Akari to respond.

[k1234567890y]

*sigh* I find your dialogueing to be too simplistic and forward. Like, the event with Gifuga being attacked was potrayed so casually, as if the event was of equal or lesser importance than the bath scene. It's like describing a war and being like "oh hey, meanwhile a major character died". Actually, you didn't even describe a war, you described something that could hardly be considered an encounter.

Akari's autism

This constant mentioning of this is becoming incredibly annoying and somewhat offensive: to the reader, for it is like you don't have confidence in the readers' memory and intelligence to remember your mentioning it the first time, and to people like me with autism, for this incredible stereotypical.
If you want to make a good character with autism, I suggest you read the book The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time.
In fact, you shouldn't even HAVE to mention her autism. Autism should not need to be her defining characteristic.

All in all, your story writing skills need quite a bit of work.

sorry my mistake.

More: show

I am awful

More: show

((OOC:
I'd say that you shouldn't feel like you need to push the story forward with action and such, it's okay if things are a bit slow at times and more centered on conversation with characters learning about each other and each other's cultures. At least for me, I have a lot of fun with slow-moving RPs. (Though I guess not everyone likes the slower pace admittedly).

I admit the attack on the bath house felt a little arbitrary. I understand you were trying to link it with the rest of the plot, but it doesn't seem to make much sense to me that they'd attack someone (out of all of the other lizard-folk there) randomly in front of so many witnesses in a Salthan district.
(For example, the two thugs who killed the Salthan before were in a human district and waited until he was chased away from public sight.).
Though maybe it'd make more sense if they attacked Lesi later in the street somewhere, where the crowds aren't so thick?

(Edit: I missed that this was outside, so this can work, I misunderstood and thought it was inside the bath house)

Also, I didn't say anything because I thought the little bits you were doing with Lesi were alright and fitting with her character, and perhaps I should have said something at the beginning. I apologize for that.

Generally players don't speak or act for other player's characters. They might presume being allowed things that would make sense they'd allow, but generally it's a back and forth. It's alright to have really short posts if your character is asking a question, or permission to do something and you're not sure the other character would allow.

I'd really recommend you read this RP. This was one of my first RPs,. but I think everyone else did a good job of making this flow and be a lot of fun. You can see how we built off ideas from one each other, and did short bits.

Thinking about it, I suppose there is a big advantage to having at least two characters per player, to banter back and forth and give more freedom to do stuff. I notice most if not all of the other players were in pairs, or larger groups. I think if I do this again, I'll suggest people have at least two characters together. It might be a good idea to invent some way to have another character join each character maybe? Not sure if that's doable.

We're all new at things sometimes, I'm sure giving it some time you can get the hang of it.

Edit: I've been thinking how to use this for what happens next. I think I have an idea.

Also, I'd be fine with skipping a few days and say Lesi quickly taught Akari the common language, it might be a bit of a stretch to learn it in a short time, but considering it might help with moving the story along better that'd be fine.

))

ok

[gufferdk]

Btw, I think I am dropping out of this. I feel kinda uncomfortable with the format. Not sure why but I do.

[احمکي ارش-ھجن]

I'd say that you shouldn't feel like you need to push the story forward with action and such, it's okay if things are a bit slow at times and more centered on conversation with characters learning about each other and each other's cultures. At least for me, I have a lot of fun with slow-moving RPs

Being slow-moving WASN'T the problem. It's like you didn't read my critique... look at what she originally wrote for Gifuga being attacked by gangs: there were literally only two lines of dialogue and it wasn't much, additionally wrote it in such a way that it gave the scene like it was offhand or not important.
Like I said, it was like going on to describe a war and then off-handed saying that a main character died.

I'm not expecting people to be expert writers, and I'm not one myself, but there needs room for improvement.

[Foolster41]

((Arabic name: I did read it, and I don't see how my critique contradicts what you said at all?

You said about the dialogue being short and overly simple, and it felt like the action of the gang attack was thrown in. I said basically the same thing, that it felt like it was thrown in for the sake of something happening and to link to the plot, but in a bit of a hap-hazard way.

Gufferdk: Okay.


k1234567890y: No, you're not awful (or, maybe rather, we all are at some time awful at doing things). We all make mistakes and are learning, so don't beat yourself up too much.))

[Foolster41]

((People still interested? I'd love to go forward with this, I think we have the start of an interesting story))

[k1234567890y]

Akari did not see what had happened, but she was abhorred that attack after hearing that, she said, "彼いす酷い、、、何るむ彼等能なんゑいざん如く彼？(IPA: /dat ɪs hɪdɔɪ/.../warʊm si: kʊnnən we:zən laɪk dat/, English Translation: "That's horrible...why can they be like that?")"

[Foolster41]

Gifuga shook his head sadly. "I really don't know. I guess some deople the hate duilds up in their heart, they cannot let it go." There was a moments pause. "I am what you might call weathy, if you took the job as a guard. I can day you well. Interested?"

[k1234567890y]

Akari was not very sure about what Gifuga had said, so she asked Lesi "汝、、、汝言がだすとだと、、、だと彼欲いっるﾟ我ゑいざん彼す警備員?(IPA: "/dʊ/.../dʊ sagədəst dat/.../dat hɪ wɪɫ mɪ we:zən i:s ke:bɪjɪn/?", English translation: "you...you said that...that he want me to be his guard?")"

Lesi said "yes, exactly, I think you should just accept, that is a good job"

Akari decided to accept Gifuga's offer, she said: " おけい、吾取えいむ在ん(IPA: "/ɔke: ɪk ne:m an/", English Translation: "Ok, I accept")"

On the other hand, as attack events happened, people living in the Hub started to worry, but it seems that Akari still has no idea what's going on in the city.

[احمکي ارش-ھجن]

(Is still thinking how I will do things.)