Venting thread that still excludes eddy (2)

[Imralu]

But in a weird coincidence, I'd written about the incident in a bit more detail in my online journal, and today some person I don't really know (apparently we have one mutual acquaintance, who I only know from online) showed up and posted a comment to the effect of, "You had it coming".

Ah, what a fucker.

In my final year of high school, I lost almost all of my friends. I found out that very few people liked me and everyone turned their back on me or turned against me except for my best friend and pretty much only one other friend (who I wasn't super close with back then). Years later, I was friends again with one of the ones who deserted me and I brought it up (not specifically that but everyone) and he just told me "Well, you can't really complain about that because you brought it on yourself." Like, yeah, at the time when everyone was starting to talk about who they really were and what they wanted to do after school, I was going through the worst time of my life. I could see no future. I was self-harming and suicidal and I avoided real conversations by changing the topic, making sound effects, doing stupid attention seeking things and to feel a bit closer to people, and in a weird way, let them know that I wasn't doing so well, I opened up to a couple of my friends by making up some pretty ridiculous horrible lies about me because I couldn't talk about the truth. Basically, I was an idiot, so I understand why I lost friends. I know I probably sucked to be around and none of the deserters really knew what was going on with me, so there was no reason for anyone to really care ... and this is why I gave people a second chance when I got more normal and cooler after highschool, but yeah, no, when someone tells you you deserved to lose all your friends at the worst time in your life, I guess you take that second chance back. And it's not like I had the self-esteem at the time to make that kind of decision consciously - I've just been unable to really give much of a shit about this guy since then. So when someone tells you you deserved to be physically assaulted ... holy fucking shit!

[hwhatting]

@linguoboy : I hope things will get back on track for you soon, and I wish your husband a full recovery!

[Salmoneus]

But in a weird coincidence, I'd written about the incident in a bit more detail in my online journal, and today some person I don't really know (apparently we have one mutual acquaintance, who I only know from online) showed up and posted a comment to the effect of, "You had it coming".

Ah, what a fucker.

In my final year of high school, I lost almost all of my friends. I found out that very few people liked me and everyone turned their back on me or turned against me except for my best friend and pretty much only one other friend (who I wasn't super close with back then). Years later, I was friends again with one of the ones who deserted me and I brought it up (not specifically that but everyone) and he just told me "Well, you can't really complain about that because you brought it on yourself." Like, yeah, at the time when everyone was starting to talk about who they really were and what they wanted to do after school, I was going through the worst time of my life. I could see no future. I was self-harming and suicidal and I avoided real conversations by changing the topic, making sound effects, doing stupid attention seeking things and to feel a bit closer to people, and in a weird way, let them know that I wasn't doing so well, I opened up to a couple of my friends by making up some pretty ridiculous horrible lies about me because I couldn't talk about the truth. Basically, I was an idiot, so I understand why I lost friends. I know I probably sucked to be around and none of the deserters really knew what was going on with me, so there was no reason for anyone to really care ... and this is why I gave people a second chance when I got more normal and cooler after highschool, but yeah, no, when someone tells you you deserved to lose all your friends at the worst time in your life, I guess you take that second chance back. And it's not like I had the self-esteem at the time to make that kind of decision consciously - I've just been unable to really give much of a shit about this guy since then. So when someone tells you you deserved to be physically assaulted ... holy fucking shit!

It might be helpful to bear in mind that you can bring something on yourself without that meaning that you deserve it. Probably most of the things that go wrong in our lives are (with the exception of some medical conditions) to a considerable degree things we have brought upon ourselves. But most of them we don't deserve.

Regarding this friend of yours: what did you want him to say? That it was all his fault, he was an arsehole all along? Well maybe he was, and maybe he wasn't. You don't know what stuff he was going through at that time either. Maybe he needed a friend at that time, and his friend started acting like a jerk to him, so he avoided him. Why shouldn't he think you brought it on yourself? [And now you don't give a shit about him - and maybe he brought that on himself] - If you act like an arse to people, they won't want to be your friend, in most cases - and why should they? We don't have a right to make people suffer for us. We create situations, and they have to react to them as best they can. We've all made mistakes in relationships, and those mistakes have sometimes had consequences - consequences we've brought on ourselves, by our own actions. But whether we deserve those consequences - well, sometimes we do and sometimes we don't. But that's another question altogether. Cause and consequence are one thing, justice and desert are altogether quite another. One question is a question of responsibility; the other, of guilt. The former does not entail the latter.

[Pogostick Man]

I have lost pretty much all the respect I had for my maternal aunts at this point. I really, really want to give them a piece of my mind.

[Imralu]

It might be helpful to bear in mind that you can bring something on yourself without that meaning that you deserve it. Probably most of the things that go wrong in our lives are (with the exception of some medical conditions) to a considerable degree things we have brought upon ourselves. But most of them we don't deserve.

True, but the way he said it was saying that. I agree with you on cause and consequence not automatically implying deservance ... deservation ... deservedness. I already said accept responsibility for being the cause and that's why I don't hold it against anyone. I'm not really holding anything against anyone from high school*. I've changed so much since then, matured a lot and I'd assume everyone else has too.

* Bar a few guys who were fucking horrible, like the guy who tried to stab me at the end of English class one day, and the guy who had paranoid delusions that I was out to get him and consequently was out to get me, who once punched me in the side of the head so hard that a bunch of my hair fell out and who eventually got expelled when a teacher started paying attention to what he was doing to me and to an autistic kid in our grade. I saw the latter on the street a couple of times and actually hid.

Regarding this friend of yours: what did you want him to say? That it was all his fault, he was an arsehole all along?

Nah. We were talking about our experiences of high school and when it was my turn it just would have just been nice if he had listened to my side rather than cutting me off. I kind of wanted him to know why I was such a space cadet at the time ... you know, because it still embarrasses me when I think back to who I was back then. I pushed ahead and told him a bit of what was going on in my life and he was saying things like "Maybe you should have ..." and I just thought "Fuck it! What's the point?"

I've seen him about four or five times since then ... we get on OK but don't really have a lot to talk about because he's a computer and gaming nerd working in IT for the government living a standard life in a nice house with nice furniture and I'm a science and language nerd with mental health issues and existential angst. I can't have that many conversations about Zelda and furniture. On second thoughts, that's probably not true - if I hadn't closed off from him a bit when he said that, we'd probably still be friends. From FB I suspect that his marriage may have broken down just after buying a house and I do feel pretty bad about that and I wish him the best but I'm not close enough to him to contact him to find out what's going on and I'm on the other side of the world and I've got my own stuff so ... yeah. Just wanted a vent about how shitty that was, even though it was years ago. I guess it's still a sore point since I got onto this with a pretty dubious segue. Sorry linguoboy!

[linguoboy]

@linguoboy : I hope things will get back on track for you soon, and I wish your husband a full recovery!

Aw, thanks, H-W! He's made amazing strides already. You'd never know from looking at him today how close he came to dying a few months ago.

Ironically, one of the reasons this coworker snapped and got violent was that apparently there were things I had been doing for months that were getting under his skin but he didn't tell me about them because "you were dealing with enough already". So instead he created a situation that's an order of magnitude more stressful than having someone tell you "I don't like the way you talk to me sometimes" or "Please don't ever touch me even in a friendly way".

There are some real downsides to working in an organisation that's like 7/8ths introverts.

[Vijay]

when it was my turn it just would have just been nice if he had listened to my side rather than cutting me off.

This is true of way too many people in my life.

[Travis B.]

Very suicidal last night. The only thing really keeping me from doing it was the thought of surviving but winding up very sick, in a pool of vomit.

[hwhatting]

Ironically, one of the reasons this coworker snapped and got violent was that apparently there were things I had been doing for months that were getting under his skin but he didn't tell me about them because "you were dealing with enough already". So instead he created a situation that's an order of magnitude more stressful than having someone tell you "I don't like the way you talk to me sometimes" or "Please don't ever touch me even in a friendly way".

Yes, it's always a problem with people who store up resentment and then suddenly explode. I can handle that when I'm close to them and know how to read the faint signals that something is building up, but it's hard when that happens with people I don't know so well and it totally comes out of the blue.

Very suicidal last night. The only thing really keeping me from doing it was the thought of surviving but winding up very sick, in a pool of vomit.

Im sorry that you feel like that.

[Travis B.]

Very suicidal last night. The only thing really keeping me from doing it was the thought of surviving but winding up very sick, in a pool of vomit.

Im sorry that you feel like that.

It's okay. I'm just a bit shaken right now because it occurred without any warning (especially since things had been getting better for a few weeks now), did not make any sense (as I knew at the time things would likely change within the 24 hours), was completely irrational (this was not in "make it stop now" territory, this was just intensely wanting to die for no good reason at all), and was probably actually very dangerous, because seriously the only thing keeping me doing it is that I had no antiemetic on hand, and if I did have that on hand it could easily have been lethal.

[linguoboy]

Yes, it's always a problem with people who store up resentment and then suddenly explode. I can handle that when I'm close to them and know how to read the faint signals that something is building up, but it's hard when that happens with people I don't know so well and it totally comes out of the blue.

Exactly. And now the question becomes, "Do I want to invest the time and effort into this relationship in order to learn to recognise those signs?" and the answer is, "Given my current emotional commitments, no." It's just a question on how to communicate this to the other person in the least hurtful (and bridge-burning, since I still have to work with him) way possible.

[Imralu]

My appointment with my counsellor was really hard today.

[Travis B.]

Tonight was worse. Now the question is will my psych send me inpatient tomorrow.

[Imralu]

Good luck, Travis!

[hwhatting]

Yes, good luck!

[Vijay]

Thirded.

[vampireshark]

Minor vent: Today, the temperature here in Mettwurstland peaked at around 30ºC/86ºF. Normally wouldn't be a problem... except the lab I'm working in doesn't really have air conditioning! So trying to do lab work at around 28ºC is not a good thing at all, especially when one of the chemicals I'm using is somewhat heat sensitive...

[Frislander]

OK, so some shit just happened in my house. My mum was cooking dinner and I was with her in the kitchen on my phone. It's not a very large kitchen, and not being in mum's way is quite hard. I was at the time failing. I was leaning against the garage door, which also meant that I was leaning against the towel and aprons on hooks which had been stuck to the door. Mum came to the garage door to wipe her hands and she noticed I was leaning against it and was pulling on the hooks. She then shouted at me, because that is of course what you do when yo want your autistic child to not do something, along the lines of "you're in my way and yOUR PULLING ON THAT!", followed by a few words on how I was not doing anything, and also proposing me either staying or leaving the room. I, in a state of confusion, threw my phone on the floor in the hall. I don't think I damaged it, but my mum flipped out, which is natural, considering that we're in that particular income bracket where a replacement smartphone is not really an option. So she got angry and got dad to take it away and sent me outside for a few minutes, though she didn't lock the door. I came back in for dinner, but I refused to talk, except to my brother when mum and dad were out of earshot, causing mum to take herself and her dinner somewhere else early on in the meal. I haven't seen my mum since she stormed out of the kitchen. What a fuck-up.

[Vijay]

Gosh, Frislander! I'm sorry to hear that.

[Aili Meilani]

I'm currently running with two separate degraded RAID 1's.

please don't fail please don't fail please don't fail please don't fail please don't fail please don't fail please don't fail please don't fail please don't fail please don't fail please don't fail please don't fail please don't fail

[Viktor77]

Welp, we're broke as fuck. We have enough money to pay only our most important bills in August and that's it, otherwise we don't even have enough money for gas. I'm starting a job soon but my husband's still looking, and my job is only part-time. I won't get paid by the university until September.

Maybe it's time to start selling our bodies?

[linguoboy]

Maybe it's time to start selling our bodies?

Missed the boat on that, I'm afraid.

Unless you're talking about studies. Some of the grad students I know made decent spending money by signing up for every medical, psychological, and social science experiment they could find on campus. (The best-paying one was the three-week sleep study that forced you to flip your schedule. Hard to combine with studying/another job, but not a bad deal if you're out of work for a while.)

[Viktor77]

Maybe it's time to start selling our bodies?

Missed the boat on that, I'm afraid.

Unless you're talking about studies. Some of the grad students I know made decent spending money by signing up for every medical, psychological, and social science experiment they could find on campus. (The best-paying one was the three-week sleep study that forced you to flip your schedule. Hard to combine with studying/another job, but not a bad deal if you're out of work for a while.)

Ha. But yea I used to do some of those studies but they don't pay much, really. It's a good thing if you want to buy lunch one day I suppose. I will be working part-time while doing my TAship and taking classes and I have another job at my school lined up which is simply food services but it's a job. So once I hit the beginning of the school year all will be good, I'll have my stipend plus two jobs. It's this between time that sucks. And my husband is having a hard time finding employment. He applied to 20 positions, has had 1 interview and that seemed to be a no go (one of those, well you get this base salary plus sales deals...). I just hope things turn around. Going to Belgium was an expensive experience and interrupted our lives. It's also wracked us with a ton of credit card debt, on top of student loan debt....

[Imralu]

Windows 10 causes my computer to crash during startup.

[Vijay]

Stupid new versions of Windows