Venting thread that still excludes eddy (2)

[Viktor77]

I refuse to upgrade to Windows 10. I'm plenty happy with Windows 7 and, at the risk of sounding like an old man, tiles be damned.

[jal]

Pfff... I was on holiday for two weeks (which was great), and decided to work on my June'16 language. I was bored by the ortography, so I thought "let's use the Greek alphabet". But then I lacked some letters, so I thought "let's use Cyrillic ones as well". Which looked all great and all, but then I obviously had to decide to put the people speaking it alongside the Greek/Bulgarian border, and I had to research modern Greek and Bulgarian grammar, and of course the Balkan Sprachbund, and while this was all fun and all, it took loads of time (not to mention data costs), it didn't advance the language very well. That, and Zompist's gen doesn't seem to accomodate for different syllable types at the start and end of words, so I need to write something like that myself...


JAL

[Frislander]

I refuse to upgrade to Windows 10. I'm plenty happy with Windows 7 and, at the risk of sounding like an old man, tiles be damned.

+1

[Travis B.]

I'm out of inpatient... but the bad side is that the damn hospital tried to involve my parents, and now they are being controlling about things like wanting to have control over apportioning out my meds and making me go to NAMI. Ugh. Do not want. Don't you guys realize that this kind of thing is why I refused to call you at the hospital before the hospital essentially made me allow bringing you in?

[Imralu]

So ... my computer booted up this time. I'm unsure what to do. I kind of want to revert to Windows 7 ... but once W10 gets through the risky boot up phase, it seems to run a bit faster ... also I'm concerned that something may go wrong and leave me stuck without even a semifunctional version of Windows.

@Travis: Ugh! Glad you're out and hope you're doing better! In any case, if you're over 18, surely the hospital has no right to involve your parents without your permission ... people dealing working in mental health should know this kind of stuff is important. Sure, it's important if someone is suicidal to have people watching out for that person but, say, if it were me, getting my parents involved would only have a negative outcome on my mental health. Far better to have friends.

When I first told my mum I had depression and was going on antidepressants, at 19 years old, she ended up going off at me about all the things I had apparently done to get myself into a rut (among other things, this included being there for a friend who was going through a rough patch with the breakdown of a relationship and the death of two of his friends), told me I needed to take control of my life and then, ironically confiscated my medication, removing the one thing I had control on. I had been seeing a doctor and a counsellor for months and it was a difficult decision and then I skipped lunch for a while to be able to pay for it. Shit got ugly. I stormed out of the house and stood in the backyard and watched the trains go by with some pretty dark thoughts in my head. I didn't follow through with it obviously. When I returned, she told me she had researched my medication and decided that it was a good idea. I just said something like "How very gracious of you," which she took offence to. That night when I got home, everything was eerily nice until my father just casually said to me "Your mother told me about your little outburst this morning. I think you'd better apologise to her." I just said "I will" with no intention of following through with it, which was my usual tactic when dealing with my father. He never argued back if I simply said I agreed and I could pretty much endlessly say "I will" and say "soon" in response to "when?" As I've gotten older and gone through therapy, counselling and all kinds of stuff, basically I'm fucked up because of my parents. With more perspective, I've gradually seen how bizarre and fucked up my childhood was. I fucking hate it when people say you need to stop dwelling on the past ... it's not the past ... I still flinch when people walk behind me in a kitchen, I can't deal with sexuality involving other people and occasionally, if someone bigger than me is rough with me, I have flashbacks that completely pull the plug on my ability to handle my emotions or communicate. I can't just magically change this by waking up one morning and deciding "This is my life!" and following what some bullshit motivational speaker says. It takes years of hard work to learn to trust, to lose the old reflexes and inappropriate reactions to things. And to stop feeling guilty about everything, you need to understand it (and fucking ignore motivational speakers!) ... and that usually requires digging it all up and reliving experiences. And when I look at how my brothers are doing, I'm actually doing pretty well. So yeah, parents.

Anyway, blah, I didn't think I was going to talk about my mental health here today but I just cried and cried this afternoon and tomorrow I see my counsellor again.

[Travis B.]

The hospital twisted my arm on this one, implying that I was not going to get out unless I allowed them to talk to my parents.

On a related note, my parents don't get why I don't speak to them when suicidal, even though this whole thing makes me feel like I did the right thing in not doing so. The last thing I need then is something that results in any more pain at all, and I am afraid my parents would unintentionally do just that. Seriously, I talk to the people I do talk to then specifically because I trust them for this purpose, and they don't understand how I might prefer to talk to someone else for that purpose. (They think my friend Liz is too busy, but she has always gotten back to me when I really needed her to.)

@Imralu: That really fucking sucks. It really does.

[Pogostick Man]

The hospital twisted my arm on this one, implying that I was not going to get out unless I allowed them to talk to my parents.

If you can, talk to a lawyer about this. I'm not one, but to my layperson's estimation it seems like there could be grounds for a lawsuit here.

[Travis B.]

The hospital twisted my arm on this one, implying that I was not going to get out unless I allowed them to talk to my parents.

If you can, talk to a lawyer about this. I'm not one, but to my layperson's estimation it seems like there could be grounds for a lawsuit here.

The problem with that is that all the arm-twisting was done off the record, so there is no documentation that it even happened.

Also, even with that I am less angry with the hospital than I am with my parents.

(On a related note, I feel worse now than before I got out. Yay.)

[Imralu]

(On a related note, I feel worse now than before I got out. Yay.)

That's not yay. That's boo. I wish I could give you a hug ... you know, like, if that would help.

As for me, I'm hanging in there. My counselling session involved ridiculous amounts of tears and I hit a brick wall and couldn't go any further with one particular topic. I've still got something I can't talk about and even though I've consciously decided I want to talk about it, when it comes to actually saying it, my brain starts to feel like it might actually explode. My homework is to come back with something to tell him that makes me feel pretty awesome about myself. It's funny ... it feels like it should be easy because I can think of lots of things I'm good at, but whenever I start talking about them or really thinking about them, I get onto how trivial and unimportant they are and how they're overshadowed by all the things I fucking suck at. Apparently I really am quite negative about myself. Who knew? So, it should be I guess a much more positive session next week ... no doubt, I will end up in tears because actually acknowledging nice stuff about me is really hard sometimes, but it might be nice to cry about how awesome I am rather than how much I suck.

And I think I may have sorted the Windows 10 issue by disabling "Fast Startup" ... kind of worrying that that can crash it, but hearing about it for the first time and reading about what it is (basically the computer holds stuff in its memory a bit like when you hibernate it and only fully resets when you do a reboot rather than a shutdown), it seems kind of bizarre that it's the default and "recommended" setting. Regular-speed startup is much faster than spending an hour turning my computer on and off until it eventually makes it through that stage.

[KathTheDragon]

(On a related note, I feel worse now than before I got out. Yay.)

That's not yay. That's boo.

It's sarcastic yay.

[Travis B.]

Got in a car accident today due to being distracted due to the thoughts fluttering around my head. No one was hurt, and on my end there was only cosmetic damage to my car, which I could get away with not fixing if I felt like it. On the other end, though, there was significant damage to the back bumper of the other car, which the police officer said would probably be > $1K to fix, so my insurance rate will likely go up. Yay.

[din]

That sucks. Glad everyone's okay.

Yeah, I think your insurance rate might go up, because insurance companies are among the worst type of legal organizations in modern society. Sometimes I get the impression that hearing about a car accident is enough to make your premium go up.

[alynnidalar]

So, I'm getting laid off the end of September.

I suppose I should be grateful they're telling us ahead of time and giving us time to look for other jobs and so on, but I'd feel a lot more grateful if, y'know, I wasn't losing my job. Also if they'd stop talking so excitedly about how much profit this deal is going to make for the company. Can't you accept a little less profit and keep a few more jobs? Laying off 2500 people is not something to talk excitedly about, no matter how much money it's making you.

I'm less angry than I expected (I guessed I'd be part of the layoffs), mostly I'm just tired.

[din]

Didn't they figure out by the end of the 90's that, while by amputating parts of the company you can increase short-term profits, it actually makes the company less profitable in the long run?

Unless you work in a sector that's been shrinking...

Either way, best of luck. I've had a few friends/acquaintances who were laid off because of company restructuring, and they often took it as an opportunity to pursue something they didn't dare to pursue when they had stable employment (in their cases: emigration, becoming self-employed or retraining themselves to work in a sector that was closer to their personal interests).

[Frislander]

OK, I've just got back from seeing Hamlet at the Royal Shakespeare Company. I loved the production: the cast (almost entirely black), the setting (West Africa around Ghana) and the sound (traditional West Atrican drum music) but there is one serious gripe I have: the audience.

Where do I start? Lots of mobile phones remained on and with their screens on even after the play started, a serious distraction. The super late arrivals, e.g. during the third scene, causing more distraction due to the flip-up seats and just the geberal people getting up. My mum had to tell a gril a couple of seats along to stop banging on one of the empty seats. The audience would laugh at anything, including the death of Polonius.

There were also an abnormally large number of children in the audience. This may seem OK: more ootential theatre gkers, you say. But why are you taking your pre-teen to see Hamlet of all things? A psychological, wordy play (the longest Shakespeare ever wrote), possibly the worst play to start with in the entire First Folio! Why didn't you take your child to see A Midsummer Night's Dream, which toured the country?

Many of these complaints were obviated by the intoxicating, energetic production, but they were still on my mind as I watched this otherwise wonderful production.

[Vijay]

Damn, Frislander! That's too bad. I'm sure I would've been frustrated, too.

[Chagen]

Incredible.

I have learned that my mother has flat-out stolen 100 bucks from me. My father had given me 200 bucks, which we were going to save to get his taxes done so I can do some FAFSA stuff for my school. Well, my account is actually owned by my mom--I'm simply listed on it as a "co-owner", of sorts, with my own debit card. I went to my school to withdraw from their ATM*, and found out that my 200 bucks had now been "mysteriously" whittled down to 100.

I called my dad and lost my shit, calling my mom a cunt and other nasty words. I still feel somewhat embarrassed about that but man what the fuck. She just up and took it without even telling us, much less asking our permission. It feels weird that I'm mad about this, given that I really would love to not go to school for a semester, but come the fuck on.

What's worst about all this is that my dad is so tired of getting into fights with my mom for 20+ years that he didn't bring it up to her when he got home today. I didn't say anything as well because taking on my mom one-on-one is...well, taking her on even with back-up is impossible.

I really cannot state how draining life with a pathological narcissist. Most people, you can at least call them out on their shit, and they may get mad or defensive but they'll own up to their mistakes and try to change. People like my mom aren't that. They just don't listen to anyone. They'll scream and yell at you, brush off every bit of proof you bring up, and push the blame on everyone else. They'll work to make the conversation about your faults, so all of a sudden you're on the defensive and they're just screaming a million things at you. They escalate the situation as quickly as possible to drain you faster. They'll try to grab the other family members and turn them against you if possible.

And eventually, you just break. You can't take the screaming, the complete lack of humility or responsibility, or their refusal to admit they did wrong. So you say nothing, and they get away with it again and again.

For a while I've been wondering if there's a song encapsulating my recent life, and I think that The Hypnotist by ERRA is definitely close:

These blackholes in my hands, so endless, swallowing everything that I see. This open wound in my chest, so endless. Devour me. Shameful desire, spreading like a wildfire. You’ve seen it yourself. Devour me. Sickening shameful desire, spreading like a wildfire. You’ve seen it yourself. My body's breaking down. My spirit is submissive. Broken memories consume me. Distance grows between you and I. Discord unforeseen. Won't you just say what you mean for the last time? Say what you mean tonight. This open wound in my chest, so endless, is rapidly expanding. Broken memories consume me. Time slips away, and we're left here writing off the memories we saved. I go far away, and leave you here writing off the memories we saved...


Another song from them, Irreversible, also fits quite well (also those breakdowns are what I need to forget about all her bullshit. 0:55-1:10 and 1:48-2:10 are so fucking GOOD)

Irreversible. A sequence of events unfolding in reverse. A sting better stimulated when revealing tragedy first. Reverse perception reversing imperfection. Be aware of the darkness that lies beneath the surface of contrived pleasantries. Be aware so as to always hold tighter; speak softer. There is no failsafe. So now you know. There is no failsafe. So cut ties with the dead weight that is dragging you below. Pull me closer. When silence consumes you, I'll speak words softer. Sinking slower, we stimulate the sting...

(Man ERRA's lyrics look weird when written out)


*: My debit card right now doesn't really work--the account is fine, but the physical card is busted and nothing registers it when I swipe--except this one ATM at my school. This is the only thing that ever reads my card. I don't know why.

[el imiradu]

I seem to be the sort of person who attracts casual violence. It's like because I'm quite short and thin it attracts cowardly thugs who would never dare pick on someone their own size to attack me. I have been assaulted in the streets seven times in three years. This is in what is predominantly a nice middle-class town. I get scared every time I have to go outside and avoid walking through the centre of town (where most of the attacks happened) unless I absolutely have to.

[Pogostick Man]

The audience would laugh at anything, including the death of Polonius.

To be fair, Polonius' death is pretty funny—at least in the original. Did he say "O, I am slain!" in this production as well?

Also—why am I often the one who has to talk down suicidal people? It gets incredibly frustrating.

[Imralu]

I seem to be the sort of person who attracts casual violence. It's like because I'm quite short and thin it attracts cowardly thugs who would never dare pick on someone their own size to attack me. I have been assaulted in the streets seven times in three years. This is in what is predominantly a nice middle-class town. I get scared every time I have to go outside and avoid walking through the centre of town (where most of the attacks happened) unless I absolutely have to.

That really sucks :-/ Seven times in three years is crazy. As an adult, I've only been assaulted twice on the street - once physically (homeless man) and once sexually (prostitute). I felt like I was close to being bashed by three guys a few months ago because I looked at one of them (he was hot!) and looked away when he looked back ... and then they followed me, making animal noises at me before turning back, I think because I ignored them.

And by the way, I know I've mentioned it, but every time I see your user name, I feel like you're a creepy stalker of mine or something, lol.

[Travis B.]

Been having suicidal ideation (again) on and off the last three days (in addition to feeling just plain awful). Plan: check. Means: check. Expectation that it would be lethal: check. This time, though, there's no intent, thank gawd. My appointment is next week, and I think I will be able to wait until then. (Edit: actually, I am going to see if I can move up my appointment.)

[Frislander]

The audience would laugh at anything, including the death of Polonius.

To be fair, Polonius' death is pretty funny—at least in the original. Did he say "O, I am slain!" in this production as well?

To be fair yes, but they were still laughing too much.

[jal]

(Edit: actually, I am going to see if I can move up my appointment.)

I hope it works out. Suicidal thoughts suck.


JAL

[Salmoneus]

Didn't they figure out by the end of the 90's that, while by amputating parts of the company you can increase short-term profits, it actually makes the company less profitable in the long run?

Yes, generally. However, by the end of the 00's, they figured out that decisions are all made by people who get paid based on short-term profits, and who won't be around to see what happens in the long term so fuck it.

These days you can take over a company, pay yourself all the money in their accounts, fire all the workers, sell off the assets, let the company go bankrupt, walk away with a golden compensation package and not even be embarrassed. [Occasionally the worst offenders here may get a stern talking-to from the House of Commons, but that's all.]

[Travis B.]

(Edit: actually, I am going to see if I can move up my appointment.)

I hope it works out. Suicidal thoughts suck.

I got my appointment moved up to this Thursday. Also, for now, while I feel quite lousy, my ideation has let up - even though it could come back on its own easily.