Venting thread that still excludes eddy (2)

[vampireshark]

And I know I shouldn't care (or should care less), but I do worry.

What about your parents?


JAL

He doesn't talk to our father (at all; he didn't tell our father that he was back in NC for a few weeks), and I don't know what all he's told our mother about the situation... and it's really also the thing that he's old enough where I shouldn't be the one telling/mentioning things to them. (Makes me feel quite uncomfortable, telling things about him to either of them.)

[finlay]

Anxiety, as usual .... God fucking damn it all

I have to get up at 7, to be at work for 9. It's now 2am because I don't feel like I can go to sleep...

[Viktor77]

Anxiety, as usual .... God fucking damn it all

I have to get up at 7, to be at work for 9. It's now 2am because I don't feel like I can go to sleep...

Anxiety sucks. I feel your pain. That happens to me all the God fucking time. xD

I wish I knew what flirting was and how to know if I've being flirted with. A really cute guy came through my line last night. Cute in that he could actually be in my league kind of way. I swear he was flirting with me, but I didn't know how to identify it positively. Of course now he's long gone. It doesn't matter much, I'm married, but since I've never been flirted with before (or at least I never knew it if I was), it was a nice thing to imagine, if I wasn't just making the whole bloody thing up and he wasn't just one of those people who's really friendly.

[linguoboy]

I have to get up at 7, to be at work for 9. It's now 2am because I don't feel like I can go to sleep...

Happened to me last night as well, but at least I was able to come into work a couple hours late. Hope your day doesn't suck too much.

[Travis B.]

What really sucks, I've found, is taking a few hours to go to sleep... and then waking up early and not being able to get back to sleep... fucking mood disorder.

[finlay]

I have to get up at 7, to be at work for 9. It's now 2am because I don't feel like I can go to sleep...

Happened to me last night as well, but at least I was able to come into work a couple hours late. Hope your day doesn't suck too much.

It was fine in the end, but my job kinda sucks for being one that only pays you for the time you work, so I only had half the lessons I wanted and won't be paid for the other hours I spent twiddling my thumbs. Someone booked my first and last lessons so I had to stick around the whole day (until 5:30 – but some of my coworkers were working till 8:30 so I should count my blessings)... fortunately I had enough breaks that I could go shopping in the middle of the day, and it wasn't too hot today as well – we already had the hottest day of the year on Tuesday, which was pretty horrible actually.

I've got a day off tomorrow and Sunday, but I'm working Saturday. And I've got stuff coming up, and my boyfriend's coming tonight, so it's not all doom and gloom. I was mainly feeling isolated yesterday – it's like occasionally I really feel the lack of LGBT visibility in this country, and the fact that my relationship still hasn't progressed much in the last four years. I'd kind of hoped that I'd be able to see my boyfriend more by now, or even that we'd have found a way to move in together, and I perhaps unfairly pin that all on him. After all, it's him that doesn't want to come out...

[Travis B.]

I have been having more suicidal ideation, albeit without intent. Even still, intent could easily show up, though. I really do not want to go inpatient again.

[vampireshark]

Luxembourgish credit card (Visa) keeps getting refused when I try to use it for purchases, even though I know I'm still well under my limit. I'm so confused... at least I can ask what's going on in person on Thursday or Friday, and at least I have a back-up card, but still, it's a nuisance.

Also, noooooooo vacation ends in two days nooooooooo...

[Travis B.]

This may seem like a broken record at this point, but: I hate being miserable. I hate wanting to die. Sigh.

[jal]

This may seem like a broken record at this point, but: I hate being miserable. I hate wanting to die. Sigh.

Yeah, that sucks.


JAL

[Imralu]

No one ever told me learning to love and accept yourself hurts like fuck. I assumed what hurts would be the self-hate itself but I've got way more of that than I ever knew and it's just normal to me.

*hugs for Travis *

Been awake for over 24 hours. Sleepy bye time now.

[din]

Being honest to yourself is surprisingly hard. It's amazing how good we can be at hiding things from ourselves. We know the hiding place, but we don't always dare to start digging.

[Imralu]

It's also crazy how neutral something can seem just because it's constant. Like, I never realised how much I have always hated myself on a lot of deep levels because it's just normal to me.

[jal]

Scary. I think (have the illusion?) I know myself pretty well, but I've never ran into problems, so who knows...


JAL

[Travis B.]

I can pretend to be essentially normal aside from my, well, biological problems a lot of the time without even trying (I had a therapist seriously fire me once because she felt all I needed was meds), while being wracked with anxiety and guilt and so on, particularly related to interpersonal issues, at other times.

[Pogostick Man]

Not sure if this strictly speaking belongs here, but here goes anyway.

So I'm having trouble finding a job. Most of the several hundred résumés I've put out have either said something to the effect of "we are not hiring you for this position" or have not responded to me at all. I think I've gone on maybe a grand total of four or five interviews? And the only ones that bit were temp agencies which put me to manual labor, which is something I kind of can't do.

The first one sent me first to a greenhouse. I couldn't keep up and the management didn't know what they were doing. I lasted about a week. Then they put me at some other place but my safety glasses kept fogging up (I sweat a lot) and couldn't work there for safety reasons.

The second one sent me to a facility that manufactures acoustic insulation. I lasted about three weeks. For one, it turns out that I'm allergic to the fiberglass. All the rashes/breaking out that I thought was just due to shards of fiberglass getting embedded into my skin turns out to have been an allergic reaction the whole time (at least I'm not scratching my arms and legs raw when I get home anymore). Then, there was the issue of having something to do. On my first day they put me in the room where they cut pieces of fiberglass down to size. I thought I did OK there—it was somewhat laid back, not a constant pushing to get stuff done done done all the time. Then there came a day when we had no such orders to do so they put me in the baffle department where I was doing things like standing at a machine for eight hours just repetitively sealing pieces of insulation in plastic wrap or other menial jobs where there was no fan, so I would sweat profusely. I was also told multiple times I was too slow. This is my problem—you give me instructions and if I follow them to the letter I'm too slow. The only way I'm fast enough is if I cut corners, apparently, and that gets stuff sent back due to defect. In my case it was if there was any holes in the plastic wrap when I got done with it. I was told to inspect the finished piece for holes but apparently that takes too much time.

Further, there was the fact that I think the boss lied to someone on my first day. There were these two people from the temp agency, a mother and son. The boss made it very clearly known that she absolutely did not work two family members together—mother and son, brother and sister, husband and wife, nobody. Then after they left she told me it was because these people were suffering from bedbugs. This issue kind of gnawed away at me—if the boss didn't tell the truth to these potential new hires, why?

Anyway the last straw was that I was doing the same packaging job but without gloves and I was only an hour and a half into the workday. I didn't feel like getting my hand shanked with glass fibers for $8.25 an hour (minimum wage in Ohio is $8.10). I should be eligible for placement somewhere else through the agency because I followed the instructions for when you leave a job, but I haven't heard back from them yet.

Anyway, now I get to go back to the disheartening world of the job search. It seems that even though I have a Bachelor's, nobody wants me, not even entry-level positions. My family wants me to look into internships also, but the thing is that I want to get paid for my work. I want to do something for pay. I don't want to deal with this unpaid-internship garbage. Something tells me I'm not going to find anything there, either. I've tried going into business for myself but it didn't pay the bills and that's how I got here.

[Chagen]

Ugh. College starts today. This marks the first/Fall semester of my third year.

Except I haven't even registered yet. Now, that's mainly because of financial issues and scrambling to get holds taken off of my account, but the truth of the matter is that I have no motivation to go to college right now. I need to put down some classes--registration is still ongoing for about a week or two--but...why? Why am I going to college? Why am I doing this?

I never talk to my parents about college. That's because I view it as nothing but sheer drudgery. I don't go to college because I enjoy it. I go because my parents demand it. I do like being in the classes and learning, but applying myself to finish assignments is near-impossible. I don't talk about college to the point that my dad seriously believes I never went to college in the first place, and that I'm pulling a fast one on my parents. Obviously that is ridiculous.

I can't keep hiding from them. My parents are grilling me more and more, and it's making me stressed out and filled with anxiety. I stopped talking about my classes a long while back, because my mom was always "you're wasting our money with that crap, take some real classes!" no matter what I picked. I don't even really have a major--I mean, yes, in my school's database I am working towards a major in Linguistics. But I don't really care about that. I've been getting by by just taking the generic required courses, except I'm running out of those and I still don't know what I want to major in. Why should I major in something? I have no skills, and getting a major in something which wont get me a good-paying career feels like a waste.

I do enjoy learning, and there's a lot of cool courses my university offers. I could say "fuck it", and put down some random stuff to learn for the sheer thrill of learning, but here's the thing: that costs money. I have already pissed away my college fund and taken more than 15,000 bucks in loans, and if I want to take classes I have to either keep shoveling money down a fucking infinite well or build debt which will make my life miserable.

This is to me one of the most infuriating hypocrisies of modern day universities. They posit themselves as places of learning--places where you go to expand your mind, educate yourself, and become a knowledgeable and productive member of society. But it's all a lie. They are nothing more than businesses which want your money. Only through bleeding yourself of every drop of money you own will you receive even the most minor scraps. All anyone but the most rich or the freakishly dedicated can do is take their major, since taking anything else results in thousands down the drain. At the end, you are shuffled along to either toil as an employee in your major's field, or you are cast aside and left to suffer in the suffocating grasp of poverty.

I already dread having to pay off loans later. With my non-existent skills, how am I supposed to feed and shelter myself (my parents sure wont let me be a deadbeat bum) and pay these bills? Am I damning myself to a life of exploitative labor, unable to afford even the most basic luxuries and distractions from the nightmarish grind? Am I going to have to live paycheck-to-paycheck, having to scrape together the cash for a simple video game because bills, food, rent, and loan debt leave me with pennies?

Is that living? Working solely to keep oneself alive, unable to enjoy living, believing earnestly that "one day, everything will be better", until one day you look at yourself and realize that it doesn't get better, and that there is no rational reason to continue this living hell?

If these are the "best" years of my life, then I might as well jump in front of a bus now, because it's only going downhill from here. I wish I could just tell my parents to give up and let me be a deadbeat NEET bum. But they'd never do it. So here I am, suffering in silence.

[jal]

Not sure if this strictly speaking belongs here, but here goes anyway.

Seems like venting to me. Valid. :)

It seems that even though I have a Bachelor's, nobody wants me

Bachelor in what?


JAL

[Pogostick Man]

Not sure if this strictly speaking belongs here, but here goes anyway.

Seems like venting to me. Valid.

It seems that even though I have a Bachelor's, nobody wants me

Bachelor in what?

Linguistics.

[Viktor77]

I find it incredibly idiotic that credit card companies damage your credit for closing cards. I know it's just how it works but I have to rant about how inane it is. So I used your card to buy something or whatever and then I paid it off and now I'm done, I don't need the card anymore, but oh no you're going to hurt my credit if I make the smart financial move of closing the card? And if you just keep the cards active in perpetuity you actually have to spend money or they threaten to close them....

I hate credit cards but if you don't have them you'll have shitty credit. Sometimes I dream of just living a life without credit but then I remember I'm too broke to pay for things I need like a car, etc. in cash.

[Travis B.]

Liz had to check up on how I was doing yesterday night. The reason this is a vent is that means that she is not confident that I am really doing okay now (which is understandable because I've wanted to die for much of the past week or so), and I often feel quite guilty when I feel that I am making people worry about me.

[Imralu]

I didn't sleep last night. I cried uncontrollably instead. I didn't go to work today. I just found out I'm also missing my DGS class. Wasn't sure when the Summer break ended - lost the piece of paper - asked a friend - didn't see her reply (because it came in an email, not on FB) - got a text from her saying everyone's waiting for me - read her email - class started again LAST WEEK.

[Travis B.]

I didn't sleep last night. I cried uncontrollably instead. I didn't go to work today. I just found out I'm also missing my DGS class. Wasn't sure when the Summer break ended - lost the piece of paper - asked a friend - didn't see her reply (because it came in an email, not on FB) - got a text from her saying everyone's waiting for me - read her email - class started again LAST WEEK.

That reminds me of the couple of times I missed exams in college due to not coming to the lecture at which they told everyone the exam date (due to being stuck in my bed, either unable to move or, if I could, just not up to facing the world)...

[Viktor77]

Work is killing me. I go to school from 7am to 5pm and work from 5pm to 10pm which is fine, honestly I can handle the schedule but I can't handle the stress of this minimum wage job! We are constantly understaffed, meaning when I get at work I have to run around the store like a chicken with my head cut off to shop people's orders. Then we are 1 or even 2 hours late delivering people's orders and I have to constantly deal with customers yelling at me. And once you're backed up you stay backed up. My supervisor has been gone so we're basically the acting supervisors. Fortunately my big boss helped us today so she witnessed the madness firsthand so perhaps something will change but at this point I told them I want to be a cashier. I could deal with cashiering, but I can't deal with the personal shopping madness (the shopping is fun, it's all the rest which is just insane). The whole service is in trial and I doubt after all the negative feedback for late orders it will survive. It's a shame because it's a great service and really helpful for families with no time to go shopping.

[din]

I'll never understand why companies try out new concepts with a bare minimum of staff. New concepts are stressful in themselves because there are no experts yet, and you want to promote the concept to your customers. I mean, half the reason is that the employees just complain amongst themselves rather than reporting that they're understaffed to a higher-up, but it looks like they're already aware of that where you work.

Anyway, the concept itself is fine; I'm sure they won't have to drop it. I know they also do it at Carrefour over here, and there's even a store (Wink, owned by Delhaise), which focuses exclusively on ordering in advance and picking up your groceries on location, or having them delivered home. You can't go inside, because it's just a warehouse.