hwhatting wrote:Just tell me to shut up if you've got enough of my unsolicited advice. But I assume they know you are in therapy? So maybe you just discuss with them what your therapist said about your need for structure and agree with them on some measures in that area?
My parents know I am in therapy, but all they know about what my therapist has recommended is that I eat something for breakfast every day. (I told them because I was buying stuff like yogurt and bananas from the cafeteria at work or convenience stores, and it is cheaper to buy them from the grocery store, and it'd be easier to let them do the grocery shopping rather than do my own trips just for yogurt and/or bananas.)
I am somewhat reluctant to tell them about what my therapist has recommended w.r.t. structure because I want to be able to get myself to do these things myself, whereas I fear that if I tell them they will nag me about them, and then I will resent that and not want to do it even more than before (as is typical for how I respond to being nagged).
Travis B. wrote:God, this thread makes it plenty obvious how fucked up I am.
Well, I only know what you write here, but apart from that one pesky problem of being suicidal, otherwise you seem pretty coherent and sensible. And yeah, your parents may be not helping your situation, but if I compare what you write about them to what e.g. Chagen is telling about his, that's relatively minor. So I wouldn't call you "fucked up" at all, based solely on your writing here.
Travis B. wrote:I am somewhat reluctant to tell them about what my therapist has recommended w.r.t. structure because I want to be able to get myself to do these things myself, whereas I fear that if I tell them they will nag me about them, and then I will resent that and not want to do it even more than before (as is typical for how I respond to being nagged).
Travis B. wrote:God, this thread makes it plenty obvious how fucked up I am.
Well, I only know what you write here, but apart from that one pesky problem of being suicidal, otherwise you seem pretty coherent and sensible. And yeah, your parents may be not helping your situation, but if I compare what you write about them to what e.g. Chagen is telling about his, that's relatively minor. So I wouldn't call you "fucked up" at all, based solely on your writing here.
Well yes, I definitely have it better off in some regards than some others here. And that's the thing - being depressed makes more sense for them, whereas for me all I can blame is my malfunctioning brain - yet for some reason it can't be chalked up to a "chemical imbalance" alone at this point either hence the need for therapy. (Throwing more meds at it won't fix my ideation or my need to push people away.)
Travis B. wrote:I am somewhat reluctant to tell them about what my therapist has recommended w.r.t. structure because I want to be able to get myself to do these things myself, whereas I fear that if I tell them they will nag me about them, and then I will resent that and not want to do it even more than before (as is typical for how I respond to being nagged).
Well, I've run out of proposals.
I'm sorry, and yes, I know I am somewhat difficult here.
Travis B. wrote:Well yes, I definitely have it better off in some regards than some others here. And that's the thing - being depressed makes more sense for them, whereas for me all I can blame is my malfunctioning brain - yet for some reason it can't be chalked up to a "chemical imbalance" alone at this point either hence the need for therapy. (Throwing more meds at it won't fix my ideation or my need to push people away.)
Yeah, we can't chose our mental health or stability, unfortunately. I just hope you manage to work it all out.
jal wrote:Yeah, we can't chose our mental health or stability, unfortunately. I just hope you manage to work it all out.
Had to make this point to my mother the other day. She was worried about "letting us down" because having to seek treatment for possible coronary artery disease might mean should couldn't continue to provide care for my housebound husband. And I responded, "You can't will yourself to be healthy."
(She's got an appointment at an outpatient clinic today, which is a great relief to all of us.)
I know this, yet I still feel horrible for making people deal with me and worthless for being only barely able to work and so on. Sometimes I want to just cut off all my contact with the outside world (that means you Liz), so no one will have to deal with me anymore. I know I shouldn't feel this way, yet I still do.
It's amazing how you feel at peace when you come to accept the collapse of your life. I'm not even venting here. I'm just noticing that I feel at peace now. I am conlanging more, trying to write, reading more, hell I'm fucking trying to get better at drawing!
I've accepted that this semester will be a complete dumpster fire. I registered for three classes week after classes started. One of these was one I already took, because I cared so little to check. I haven't bought any textbooks. I haven't turned in any work in any of my classes. My level of effort extends to showing up and not falling asleep. Why should I care? I'm a mentally ill person who's probably not even fit to take care of himself.
I should probably apply for disability benefits, because I'm just a wreck. I have zero work ethic. I forget everything and am effectively incapable of sticking to a schedule. My hygiene is terrible. I have literally only two hours of classes each day, and yet I spend all day mindlessly browsing the internet and masturbating. I shower once a week at best, because spending time doing literally anything but browsing the internet or jacking off drives my anxiety through the roof.
I think I know why. I have no friends, no emotional connections besides my parents who I mostly avoid. Browsing the web is the only form of human interaction I really have. When I'm on the web, I feel like I belong in a community. When I play games, or watch a show or movie, or read a book, or do work, I'm alone. Isolated.
It's not only that. My anxiety is always a factor too. My entire life has best been defined as a series of disasters. I've never been able to look at myself and think "I'm set. Things are gonna go just fine". When I do anything, anxiety grips me and makes me feel like I'm wasting time. Every minute spent doing X is one minute spent not doing Y, and time before each disaster is precious. And even if my life were going smoothly...I will die one day. I have a limited amount of time in my life, and I feel that it's not enough. For some reason, my brain doesn't think that web browsing and jacking off are "wasting time".
Any motivation I do muster up to write something is quickly sapped away by depression. Playing Dark Souls for two hours or watching some anime episodes or reading a few chapters of a book takes effort.
Weirdly enough, I have a few things that I do dedicate tons of time to. Conlanging is one of them. Another one is this Let's Play series done by a Youtuber I like. He's done with it; it's a playthrough of a trilogy of games that's over 130 videos long (most of them are at least 40 minutes to an hour long too). I watch this series constantly. I don't know why it of all things grips me.
I wasn't always like this. I used to get in trouble in school for reading books and manga too much. I used to watch a ton of anime and tv shows with friends or alone (fuck, I ran the goddamn anime club at my high school with my friend!). I used to play video games for hours and hours upon end, only stopping when someone kicked me off the TV or I got sleepy. But that was back in public education, where everything is laid out for you and you don't have to make any hard decisions. Just do the work. Hell, you could miss/forget a ton of homework and still squeak by like I did.
Recently I got my Mahou Sensei Negima collection back from my friend--nearly 30 volumes (three are missing though). I remember getting them years back in high school. My dad would buy me one about every month or so. Whenever I got a new one, I would consume it so ravenously, finishing it in a few hours and counting the days till I could get a new one. I remember when I was at another house for an RPG session, I read one volume completely front-to-back in less than two hours while the other players created their characters (the game ended prematurely thanks to one player being well...it's pretty fucked up. Ask me about it if you want, it's a doozy). Now? I've had the volumes for a goddamn week and I'm just starting volume 3. At my previous reading rate I would nearly be done with the whole goddamn thing!
I used to want to be a racecar driver or a scientist when I grew up. Now? I want to be a NEET. I want to just be able to lie in my room all day and fuck around. I don't want to work, not out of laziness or contempt, but because I know I am simply not fit for a job or any kind of responsibility at all. I doubt I could even take care of myself alone.
Sigh. This did become a vent. I can't even describe myself well, because fucking nothing about me makes any goddamn sense. Nothing is enjoyable to me anymore. My self-esteem is effectively negative and even though I shun people I crave validation from them at the same time. I would not describe myself as suicidal, because being suicidal requires a level of effort and passion I lack completely.
Nūdhrēmnāva naraśva, dṛk śraṣrāsit nūdhrēmanīṣṣ iźdatīyyīm woḥīm madhēyyaṣṣi. satisfaction-DEF.SG-LOC live.PERFECTIVE-1P.INCL but work-DEF.SG-PRIV satisfaction-DEF.PL.NOM weakeness-DEF.PL-DAT only lead-FUT-3P
(Sorry if that feels minimizing, but everything you referred to above is pretty obviously depression at work, and not any kind of actual personal failing or like. Consequently, if it is actually treated effectively you very well may be able to get back to where you were before in many ways. Of course, being treated effectively often sounds simpler than it really is.)
Sigh. More planning today, complete with place, means, and time... had to leave work somewhat early today, just because I really did not feel entirely safe there.
I'm not going to talk about my mental health today. I just want to say that I now no longer seem to have a working computer, and I no longer own a bike. (I've now seen my bike and I'm sure it was unridable anyway.) I've just extended my insurance, and now I don't have money for rent in that account - I have money in my other account now but I've forgotten the pin (I didn't touch that account for so long on account of it having no money in it) and seem to need to feel particularly brave to go and talk to the bank and I'm just not right now. My computer's making me sad because it's the main thing I use to distract myself so that I can feel OK and I don't have the money/bravery to get it fixed. At least I backed all my files up quite recently. I can use my phone but it's frustrating as fuck. And, here, I will talk about my mental health - whenever I don't have to go out, I'm spending my days in bed. My counsellor is on holiday for two weeks and next week I have to go to my DGS course everyday and I don't know if I have the energy for that.
Wow, this is just great. My dad's car battery died on him yesterday. After jumping it, he went to buy a new one and it turns out that any battery for his car costs at least 180 bucks. This is less than two weeks before my birthday. Of all the times for this to happen, it had to happen right before my birthday. I've only asked for one thing, but we're not sure if we can afford it thanks to this.
Nūdhrēmnāva naraśva, dṛk śraṣrāsit nūdhrēmanīṣṣ iźdatīyyīm woḥīm madhēyyaṣṣi. satisfaction-DEF.SG-LOC live.PERFECTIVE-1P.INCL but work-DEF.SG-PRIV satisfaction-DEF.PL.NOM weakeness-DEF.PL-DAT only lead-FUT-3P
Hopefully it isn't poor form to submit a few vents in the same post.
- So a friend of mine did a very nice thing for me—she had a single friend, talked me up to her, and gave me her number. For once, I thought, maybe something happy will come from this. We seemed to hit it off. But this is the venting thread, and it was eventually discovered that we're six years apart (though I should note that both of us are legal adults) and the age difference is too great. I thought I was at peace with it, but I guess I'm not. I just want companionship. I feel so alone. Never been on a date in my life and I'm almost a quarter century old. I'm batting .000 in the "ask a girl out on a date" category. Doesn't help that I'm on the autism spectrum and so much of it seems so incomprehensible to me.
- My lower lip has been swollen since 2009 and we're not entirely sure what's wrong with it. I find it quite disfiguring and am very self-conscious about it. I've been to no fewer than my general practitioner, four specialists, and one naturopath (this last at my parent's insistence, I'm not a fan of the practice) and have been on an immunosuppressant since, like, 2011 or so, and it helps with my other facial swelling, but not the lip. There seems to be an intrusion of fat involved somehow, and possibly a connection to salt sensitivity and water retention, but there may be more to it. Usually a course of methylprednisolone will take the swelling down for a bit, but the doctor prescribed for me a longer course and it doesn't seem to be helping this time.
- I'm not supposed to get into this too much, but let's just say my trust in my extended family has been rather shaken, I don't know who to believe at this point, my grandmother is unhappy (and I'm not sure how much I can trust her), and I'm fed up with my aunts. When my grandmother dies (and I hope that day is a long way away), I don't want to see them at the funeral.
- WHY CAN'T I FIND A JOB OR AN INTERNSHIP. I HAVE A BACHELOR'S DEGREE. I'VE LOST COUNT OF HOW MANY HUNDRED RÉSUMÉS I'VE SENT OUT. WHY DOES NOBODY WANT ME.
- An instructional drumming book of mine has gone AWOL. It was in my room and now I can't find it. I had just bought it recently. It's trivial, but it's really bothering me.
- I feel like a failure. Basically had a mental breakdown at 21, came close to suicide, and have done nothing with my life since then besides finish my BA.
Pogostick Man wrote:it was eventually discovered that we're six years apart (though I should note that both of us are legal adults) and the age difference is too great.
Six years? That's nothing. I mean, yeah, if you're 16 you shouldn't date a 10yo, but once you're adults? Was she the younger or you?
Never been on a date in my life and I'm almost a quarter century old.
Heh, you're only 1/4c old :). Did you try on-line dating? I mean, it usually sucks as a tool for actually finding long-term relationships, but at least it's a good dating practice.
Doesn't help that I'm on the autism spectrum and so much of it seems so incomprehensible to me.
I think neurotypicals are just better at lying about the incomprehensibility, rather than it being actually comprehensible to them.
Pogostick Man wrote:- WHY CAN'T I FIND A JOB OR AN INTERNSHIP. I HAVE A BACHELOR'S DEGREE. I'VE LOST COUNT OF HOW MANY HUNDRED RÉSUMÉS I'VE SENT OUT. WHY DOES NOBODY WANT ME.
Dude, you're not alone. While going for my MA I just needed another job, anything other than fast food. I sent out 20 applications for minimum wage jobs and I have a BA too. I got called by one of those companies. My husband has a BA and entry-level management experience. He sent out 40+ applications for entry-level management and now he's taking a minimum wage job at the place I work, who are apparently the only place hiring in a town of 120K.
So I totally understand. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE BUSINESS WORLD.
The only way to get a job that pays better than minimum wage and only have to get a bachelor's degree at this point is to get a CS degree. Mind you, in that case you're competing with people who have been programming since elementary school. And apparently people care about which school you went to, well, a lot.
Last edited by Travis B. on Mon Sep 26, 2016 9:34 am, edited 1 time in total.
Doesn't help that I'm on the autism spectrum and so much of it seems so incomprehensible to me.
I think neurotypicals are just better at lying about the incomprehensibility, rather than it being actually comprehensible to them.
truth
also, re: jobs/internships: I'm sure a billion people have offered you guys advice, but I really recommend the Ask A Manager blog; the writer is a former manager who now is a consultant that advises companies on hiring/firing/management/etc. Her advice is excellent! (and the crazy letters she receives are highly entertaining) I just recently got a new job, and I credit her with helping me a ton along the way. She has a book for about $25 USD, but it's largely the same advice she gives in her columns, just all in one place.
If it helps, from reading her blog it sounds like it's very common for people these days to send out dozens of resumes with very few bites... you guys are absolutely not alone.
I generally forget to say, so if it's relevant and I don't mention it--I'm from Southern Michigan and speak Inland North American English. Yes, I have the Northern Cities Vowel Shift; no, I don't have the cot-caught merger; and it is called pop.
I am not sure if I can really help with the finding-a-job thing... because I suspect my job-seeking history isn't actually very typical... (E.g. I normally don't send people my resume these days... rather I put my resume up on job boards and wait for them to come to me...)
According to whom is the age difference too great anyway? And for what reasons is it bothersome? If it's just because of what people will think, it maybe be better to be less self-conscious (though easier said than done).
Pogostick Man wrote:it was eventually discovered that we're six years apart (though I should note that both of us are legal adults) and the age difference is too great.
Six years? That's nothing. I mean, yeah, if you're 16 you shouldn't date a 10yo, but once you're adults? Was she the younger or you?
Younger. She's 18, I'm 24.
jal wrote:
Never been on a date in my life and I'm almost a quarter century old.
Heh, you're only 1/4c old . Did you try on-line dating? I mean, it usually sucks as a tool for actually finding long-term relationships, but at least it's a good dating practice.
I have, and have had only heartbreak and negative experiences.
jal wrote:
Doesn't help that I'm on the autism spectrum and so much of it seems so incomprehensible to me.
I think neurotypicals are just better at lying about the incomprehensibility, rather than it being actually comprehensible to them.
Possibly, but it doesn't seem that way. I just don't get how people get into (and out of) relationships so effortlessly.
Viktor77 wrote:
Pogostick Man wrote:- WHY CAN'T I FIND A JOB OR AN INTERNSHIP. I HAVE A BACHELOR'S DEGREE. I'VE LOST COUNT OF HOW MANY HUNDRED RÉSUMÉS I'VE SENT OUT. WHY DOES NOBODY WANT ME.
Dude, you're not alone. While going for my MA I just needed another job, anything other than fast food. I sent out 20 applications for minimum wage jobs and I have a BA too. I got called by one of those companies. My husband has a BA and entry-level management experience. He sent out 40+ applications for entry-level management and now he's taking a minimum wage job at the place I work, who are apparently the only place hiring in a town of 120K.
So I totally understand. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE BUSINESS WORLD.
Here's hoping you find success soon.
Travis B. wrote:The only way to get a job that pays better than minimum wage and only have to get a bachelor's degree at this point is to get a CS degree. Mind you, in that case you're competing with people who have been programming since elementary school. And apparently people care about which school you went to, well, a lot.
IIRC, my sister's boyfriend has a CS degree and he's doing very well for himself. My dad has broached the subject with me before.
alynnidalar wrote:
jal wrote:
Doesn't help that I'm on the autism spectrum and so much of it seems so incomprehensible to me.
I think neurotypicals are just better at lying about the incomprehensibility, rather than it being actually comprehensible to them.
truth
also, re: jobs/internships: I'm sure a billion people have offered you guys advice, but I really recommend the Ask A Manager blog; the writer is a former manager who now is a consultant that advises companies on hiring/firing/management/etc. Her advice is excellent! (and the crazy letters she receives are highly entertaining) I just recently got a new job, and I credit her with helping me a ton along the way. She has a book for about $25 USD, but it's largely the same advice she gives in her columns, just all in one place.
If it helps, from reading her blog it sounds like it's very common for people these days to send out dozens of resumes with very few bites... you guys are absolutely not alone.
Thank you. As for Ask A Manager, I'll have to check that out.
Travis B. wrote:I am not sure if I can really help with the finding-a-job thing... because I suspect my job-seeking history isn't actually very typical... (E.g. I normally don't send people my resume these days... rather I put my resume up on job boards and wait for them to come to me...)
Just knowing that you have read this and are sympathetic helps. Thank you.
jmcd wrote:According to whom is the age difference too great anyway? And for what reasons is it bothersome? If it's just because of what people will think, it maybe be better to be less self-conscious (though easier said than done).
According to her. I basically said "I'm 24, and if that's a dealbreaker I will understand", and she said it was.
Everyone is different, and everyone has different experiences. I will say that on my 24th birthday I was in the middle of getting ready to be the best man in a wedding, after which I drank myself into depressive oblivion because of my own despair, believing I was unlovable, and a massive crisis of faith as a result.
On my 25th birthday, I was happily dating a woman I am now married to.
A lot can happen in a year.
I recognize that 24 and 18 is a huge gap; there's a lot of maturity that happens between those two ages. But on the whole, six years is not particularly uncommon as a marriage gap, and it doesn't feel like a huge gulf once you're older.
According to her. I basically said "I'm 24, and if that's a dealbreaker I will understand", and she said it was.
Pogostick Man wrote:it was eventually discovered that we're six years apart (though I should note that both of us are legal adults) and the age difference is too great.
Six years? That's nothing. I mean, yeah, if you're 16 you shouldn't date a 10yo, but once you're adults? Was she the younger or you?
Younger. She's 18, I'm 24.
That's teeny-tiny. My aunt and her husband are 12 years apart (24 vs 36 when they married). My parents are 8 years apart (20 vs 28, respectively).
I have, and have had only heartbreak and negative experiences.
Well, that's still more experience than me, for example.
The conlanger formerly known as “the conlanger formerly known as Pole, the”.
If we don't study the mistakes of the future we're doomed to repeat them for the first time.
