Venting thread that still excludes eddy (2)

[Chagen]

Well that place at my school is useful...it's food only from the food bank, so you don't get the best selection, but it is free and they let me in even though I'm not enrolled. They didn't even do anything but ask for an ID; they didn't even swipe it or check it. You can grab five items, one drink, and one snack (and one bread, I think, which is separate from the "regular" food). You then weigh it, write down the weight on a post-it note, and give it to the woman in the front. According to her the food bank wants to know how much food in weight we use for some reason. You can grab any five items you want, weight doesn't matter. I grabbed two soups, one microwaveable meal, and two cans of tuna. I should have probably grabbed some vegetables too but I was feeling a little greedy...that and I had tuna a few days ago and really wanted it again.

Today I ate some chicken noodle soup I grabbed from there for breakfast. I haven't had a breakfast in a long time. Next time, I'm going to grab some cereal because my mom threw out all the cereal while cleaning the house because she thought it was "old and stale". One box was--the other me and my dad had bought only like a *week* ago. Ugh. In any case, being able to grab fifteen items, three drinks, and three snacks each week is very helpful, though the fact that I have to do this because my mom wont spend money on me is pretty fucking sad.

Also, I talked with my psychiatrist yesterday about my insomnia when taking my ADHD. I'm just taking them too late according to him. Since I'm not going to school, I often get up at noon or so and take the pill at around 1, meaning that it's still keeping my focused and awake well into the night. I didn't notice this before because I would always be taking it at 7-10AM usually since I wanted to focus in school. Today I took it at 9:30--hopefully I don't have any insomnia! I actually have an alarm that wakes me up at 8:30AM to take my anti-depressant (which I have not been taking very often because I feel like I don't need it, even though that's a common side-effect and you're supposed to take it anyway...stupid me...), but I usually just fall asleep again until 11-noon anyway lol Regardless I can take it then which will almost certainly ensure I don't get insomnia. He also said he could prescribe me Adderall as opposed to Vyvanse, which works slightly differently (it "activates" sooner and ends quicker so less risk of insomnia), but I'm so used to Vyvanse I'd rather adjust my schedule slightly. I did not tell him that I'm not going to school though...I just couldn't bare to tell him that, so I lied...

...you can certainly tell I'm on my meds now, there's no way I could focus for so long as to write this long post without it.

I don't even know what the fuck my mom spends the money she takes on. When we had more money she was always ordering random shit from China and other stuff but that's lessened now (I always had to get her packages from the apartment office for her, but now she rarely has any). She claims to not have enough money to have an Amazon Prime sub and Netflix at the same time, but 150 bucks a month is easily enough to cover that. I dunno about this damn woman, christ. She's trying to get all this money and I can't even tell what she's doing with it. I can just hope she's not doing illegal shit.

I need a job and a place to live. I don't know how, I just need independence before my entire family collapses to pieces. We're spiraling towards disaster and I want off the ride before we wreck.

Sorry for this long post guys, I just...rarely get to talk to people about this stuff. I feel like I'm just floating through life. It's almost certainly just the familiar anxiety from the meds talking, but I feel like I'm doing nothing and my time is running out. I feel hopeless, just drifting in a void (that I'm listening to Shooting Stars by Bag Raiders probably doesn't help either). Are all my friends really my friends? Am I wasting my life? Why am I here? Why is everything so fucked up? Why did I have to get born with a disadvantaged position in life? What would people think if they saw the true me, not the fake image I project to impress them? Can I pick up the pieces of my life and make it work? Can I even do that in the first place?

My lie feels like a mirror that has shattered in a thousand tiny pieces across the ground. I've wasted so much of my life. I take the pieces and try to piece them back together, but you can see the tape and the glue. I look at the reformed mirror, rife with cracks, and see my own broken face. The features are mine, but ugly cracks mar the image. That's all I know. The broken me. The worthless me. The me that people wouldn't pay to spit on. In my own eyes, I am broken. Fundamentally defective. A hodge-podge collection of individual pieces, which don't really fit together. A mish-mash of contradictions, seething hatreds, bizarre likes, and incomprehensible issues. Together, they vaguely resemble me, but everything uglily clashes.

And there's no one who will tap me on the shoulder, turn me around, and show me my true face, free of cracks and scars. The me I could be--the me that I am, even if I don't realize it.

Actually let me rephrase that.

There are quite a few people tapping on my shoulder, wanting to show me who I am really am. I'm just too scared that they'll punch me in the face, or laugh at me, or that deep down we really aren't compatible and only playing at friendship. So I keep staring at the broken me, ignoring the people at my side, until they finally leave and throw down their mirrors, till I'm surrounded by the shattered visions impressions of my former friends.

I am not very good at metaphors.

[hwhatting]

I need a job and a place to live. I don't know how, I just need independence before my entire family collapses to pieces. We're spiraling towards disaster and I want off the ride before we wreck.

Yes, it look like you really should focus on how to achieve that! Good luck!

[Viktor77]

Does anyone have any advice for how to figure out what you want to do with your life? I'm at that point now. I have several options before me and I don't know what to do and I have to start making decisions soon. I did well on my MA thesis and my committee is very much encouraging me to continue for my PhD. But on the other hand, while I enjoy my research and want to see it further developed, I also want my life back. I want a real life with a steady job, a steady living situation, a dog, maybe a new car, vacation time and a good paycheck. That won't happen as a student. I've also been applying for teaching positions in French in private schools. I've had 4 interviews so far and I've only heard back from one which was a rejection. But I worry I will bore myself in teaching as I won't be intellectually stimulated teaching high schoolers the same basic things over and over. But it's also a good job, stable, with good benefits and hopefully a good salary.

I wouldn't be opposed to working for a company or the government. I've been trying to figure out if airports hire people who speak multiple languages for customs or similar things. I can speak French and I can learn to speak Spanish again. I could probably learn to get by in German, too. Wouldn't that be useful for a custom's agent? But then do they hire people with MAs in French linguistics for custom's agents? I wish I knew how to find out more about jobs for foreign language degree holders or just advanced degree holders outside of academia. I'd love a 9-5 where I go to work and come home in the evening without having to bring too much work home, and where I, of course, make a decent paycheck.

I'm so lost and I'm 25...I need to figure my life out...I am getting old....

[jmcd]

I still urge for the PhD because that's what you actually want to do with your life. Also, even you're after a large paycheck and whatever, the PhD is still an investment in that direction because I think uni professors are better payed than high school teachers.

[Travis B.]

I agree with jmcd here. Why settle for less than what you really want. Sure, you will be a student for a while, but that won't last forever. And anyways, 25 is not that old; no need to be a hurry to get that stable job.

[spanick]

Does anyone have any advice for how to figure out what you want to do with your life? I'm at that point now. I have several options before me and I don't know what to do and I have to start making decisions soon. I did well on my MA thesis and my committee is very much encouraging me to continue for my PhD. But on the other hand, while I enjoy my research and want to see it further developed, I also want my life back. I want a real life with a steady job, a steady living situation, a dog, maybe a new car, vacation time and a good paycheck. That won't happen as a student. I've also been applying for teaching positions in French in private schools. I've had 4 interviews so far and I've only heard back from one which was a rejection. But I worry I will bore myself in teaching as I won't be intellectually stimulated teaching high schoolers the same basic things over and over. But it's also a good job, stable, with good benefits and hopefully a good salary.

I wouldn't be opposed to working for a company or the government. I've been trying to figure out if airports hire people who speak multiple languages for customs or similar things. I can speak French and I can learn to speak Spanish again. I could probably learn to get by in German, too. Wouldn't that be useful for a custom's agent? But then do they hire people with MAs in French linguistics for custom's agents? I wish I knew how to find out more about jobs for foreign language degree holders or just advanced degree holders outside of academia. I'd love a 9-5 where I go to work and come home in the evening without having to bring too much work home, and where I, of course, make a decent paycheck.

I'm so lost and I'm 25...I need to figure my life out...I am getting old....

I went through the same thing towards the end of my MA program. Things went a little differently (my thesis was not going so well) but the dilemma was similar. Since about freshman year of HS I was convinced I would become a linguistics professor. I love linguistics. I love learning. Etc. but during graduate school I felt like I didn't have what it takes to cut it in a PhD program and I started to realize that I'm not terribly fond of academia (which I always separate from learning or linguistics; it has a culture unto itself). I began to think "man, I'd sure like to stop going deeper into debt and make some money." So I took a "break" from my MA program and got a job in my hometown (I now work in agriculture)... that was over 3 years ago.

Would I go back? No. Has just being in the workforce been awesome and everything I thought it would be? No. I do crave studying and discussing linguistics (or other intellectual things), but I'm generally fairly content. He hardest part has been that I invested so much time and resources into linguistics that I'm really not qualified to do much else. And having 80% of an MA isnt all that helpful.

I won't/can't tel you what to do. But just bought I'd share since I was in the same position (and was roughly the same ags) not long ago. Maybe it'll help? I don't know.

[Viktor77]

I went through the same thing towards the end of my MA program. Things went a little differently (my thesis was not going so well) but the dilemma was similar. Since about freshman year of HS I was convinced I would become a linguistics professor. I love linguistics. I love learning. Etc. but during graduate school I felt like I didn't have what it takes to cut it in a PhD program and I started to realize that I'm not terribly fond of academia (which I always separate from learning or linguistics; it has a culture unto itself). I began to think "man, I'd sure like to stop going deeper into debt and make some money." So I took a "break" from my MA program and got a job in my hometown (I now work in agriculture)... that was over 3 years ago.

Would I go back? No. Has just being in the workforce been awesome and everything I thought it would be? No. I do crave studying and discussing linguistics (or other intellectual things), but I'm generally fairly content. He hardest part has been that I invested so much time and resources into linguistics that I'm really not qualified to do much else. And having 80% of an MA isnt all that helpful.

I won't/can't tel you what to do. But just bought I'd share since I was in the same position (and was roughly the same ags) not long ago. Maybe it'll help? I don't know.

Thank you, everyone, for your comments. Spanick, I feel you. I'm unsure I can handle 4 or 5 more years of constant pressure and criticism (it's only going to increase from here) to get a degree that I may not be able to practically see the benefits of for years after that. I already have some professors who are so pedantic when it comes to research writing and I keep asking myself, can I handle this strict and critical world? I just wish I could figure out what else my Masters is good for. I'd gladly do anything that wants people who can write and research. I keep hearing about the pharmaceutical world wanting people with advanced degrees but I don't know how to get access to any of these markets....

The sad part is that continuing in the program would be a sweet choice if not for the poverty, criticism, and unsure job prospects. I'm almost guaranteed to receive funding to go back to Belgium to study Dutch intensively. I'm guaranteed to continue my research in Brussels. My professors want me to continue and they will probably offer me competitive funding (the problem is even competitive funding is poverty level)*.

*I was admitted at Indiana University for example and the offer they could provide me (which was their best offer) was downright sad. Sadder even than our funding at the University of Illinois which our governor keeps messing around with.

[hwhatting]

The problem with academia is that doing interesting work and having a decent salary are opposite goals until you get tenure. And that means that you may live on pittances, always hoping that your projects / assistant positions will be prolonged or something new comes along, for 10-15 years, and then there's still the risk that you won't get tenure in the end. That's why I decided not to go down that road, took a job in business, and kept linguistics as a hobby. Few of my co-students who pursued academic careers made it to tenure, but those who did feel vindicated. So you need to be clear that you have a choice to make - follow your dream in academia and forget about a decent salary for a long while, perhaps even forever, or go for whatever decent job you can get with your qualifications, but that may mean that you'll never really do the things you want to do as a job.

[cunningham]

Every professor keeps telling me to go for my Master degree because it will make me more marketable. However, I went to this graduate student panel and all the Ph.D students seemed to be struggling with getting a job or getting funding. The Bachelor degree I'm going for will only get me to an analyst position but a Master degree will put me with all the developers working behind the scenes and doing all the innovative stuff. It sounds good, but I have my doubts. My major is GIS so if anyone is familiar with it, i'd love to hear about it.

So a couple days ago, I made a pretty big decision. Let's just say that I am now 'owned' by this new friend of mine. Basically, he pretty much dominates every aspect of my life now (except for school, work and family because that comes first) and has me on speed dial so if he calls, I have to hop on the subway over to his place ASAP. It sounds weird and horrible, but I actually feel really comfortable. Maybe it's because I feel more secure and not feeling like my life is spinning out of control. Also, I have to be held accountable for things now because my parents pretty much let me do whatever I want. I am required to go to the gym 3 days a week, so I hustled through the snowstorm today and ran 6 miles. I love that euphoric feeling after working out. I'm sore but feel good. I also have to watch my diet so I have to eat a high protein diet. This will also be good because I'm considering selling my soul to (((Them))) by donating my blood plasma for fitty bucks a pop lol. (((They))) find my blood valuable and I'm a broke ass student so....anyway, my new Owner helped me get some new underwear at Amer. Eagle yesterday which look really cute. I have a shitty sense of fashion so this is another bonus. The only downside is he has to look through my phone to make sure I'm not talking to other guys, which I already fucked up because I'm just so used to doing it. It's just that I also met this one guy who has a lot in common with me First, he loves languages and is also learning Russian so we can practice. Second, he is politically incorrect like me and voted for Trump and I stayed up until 4am with him watching MDE's World Peace on facetime. Third, he loves the outdoors too and wants to go camping with me in W. Virginia. Fourth, he is this half black/half native muscular guy with tattoos so he's really attractive and I'm actually kinda surprised that he is attracted to me so IDK what to do. My Owner said it is not too big of a deal that I'm talking to him since he lives far away, but of course I can't meet him or 'do' anything. And my Owner is giving me some left-leaning required reading and watching now LOL this will be fun.

And then 2 people didn't show up to my group meeting. At least 1 of them contributed something, but the other guy has yet to do anything. I even told him exactly what to do and he texts me at god awful hours asking me what to do. Unfortunately, I think this is because he is from Tunisia so there could be a language barrier (?) even though he speaks English well. I don't think he really understands the assignment, but then again he NEVER shows up for class. I guess I will have to go full Trump and fire him. I don't wanna be that guy and make him fail the course but I really need him to contribute.

[jal]

Damn, it's election day and I still haven't made up my mind about what party and who I'm gonna vote for... Tough decision this year...


JAL

[Ars Lande]

Damn, it's election day and I still haven't made up my mind about what party and who I'm gonna vote for... Tough decision this year...


JAL

I'm curious as to who the contenders are and what they stand for.

There's been some mention of the Dutch elections in the news over here, something that happens very rarely - because of Wilders of course.

[jal]

I'm curious as to who the contenders are and what they stand for.

My shortlist is three parties, D66, GroenLinks and the Pirate Party. D66 and GroenLinks are both moderately left-wing, environmental conscience parties, with rather little differences in their programme, so a choice between the two would be a matter of preference for their respective leaders, young'un Jesse Klaver (GroenLinks) and old-timer Alexander Pechtold (D66). The Pirate Party is an outsider, affiliated with other Pirate Parties across Europe, not currently in the parliament. They are also moderately left-wing but focussing on digital rights and privacy, and personal choice. They have 1 seat in the polls, and have a female leader, which is a plus (though I would vote for a women anyway).

Up till this election I've always voted VVD, a moderate right-wing party headed by Prime Minisiter Mark Rutte. But I've shifted to the left over the years, and can't vote for them now. Other important parties in the election are CDA (moderately righ-wing christians), PVV (basically Geert Wilder's private project with a lot of puppets; he's pretty far right though claims to be left-wing; his voters, like Trump's, don't know/don't care/don't want to know/think bashing muslims trumps everything), SP (most left-wing party, further (though not that much) to the left than GroenLinks) and to a lesser extent PvdA (moderately left-wing, currently in government, heavily tainted by their co-operation with the VVD and down over 25 seats in the polls), ChristenUnie (moderately left-wing christians). Denk ("Think", basically a Turkish pro-Erogan party, currently only in parliament because they split from the PvdA), 50 Plus (elderly party), PvdD (animal-rights party), and SGP (right-wing fundamental christians) follow, as well as a host of new parties of which the Pirate Party, Artikel 1 ("Article 1", named after article 1 of the constitution that rules out discrimination, and split from Denk), VNL ("VoorNederland") and GeenPeil are the most prominent.

The biggest problem after the elections (polls here) will be forming a goverment, since it seems not even the largest four parties (including the PVV, with whom nobody wants to govern) have a majority of 76 seats (and no left-wing party will want to govern with the VVD, given the total slaughtering of the PvdA after its co-operation).


JAL

[Ars Lande]

Thanks

A related minor vent: I'm a little sad the Pirate Party failed in France. Our electoral system is extremely dissuasive for outsiders.

[cunningham]

Vote for Geert Wilders and Marine Le Pen!
Europe's last hope!
Destroy the EU!

[Ars Lande]

Vote for Geert Wilders and Marine Le Pen!
Europe's last hope!
Destroy the EU!

It may seem surprising to some, but I like the EU.

[Viktor77]

Vote for Geert Wilders and Marine Le Pen!
Europe's last hope!
Destroy the EU!

It may seem surprising to some, but I like the EU.

So do I. I'm attending luncheon with the EU ambassador to the US this afternoon.

[Travis B.]

Vote for Geert Wilders and Marine Le Pen!
Europe's last hope!
Destroy the EU!

If I did not know your political views already, I would not have been sure as to whether that was trolling or not.

[alynnidalar]

Ah, how I wish I had the luxury of having more than two choices in elections! Best of luck with making up your mind (or retroactive luck, if you see this after you already vote).

[cunningham]

If I did not know your political views already, I would not have been sure as to whether that was trolling or not.

Why do people think I'm trolling because I have different political views? The EU literally needs to die and Wilders and Le Pen are the only ones who can save Europe at this point.

[KathTheDragon]

If I did not know your political views already, I would not have been sure as to whether that was trolling or not.

Why do people think I'm trolling because I have different political views? The EU literally needs to die and Wilders and Le Pen are the only ones who can save Europe at this point.

Uh, nobody said you're trolling. Travis already knows that's what you believe, so he can conclude you're being genuine there.

[jal]

Vote for Geert Wilders and Marine Le Pen!
Europe's last hope!
Destroy the EU!

For one, destroying the EU by putting wannabe fascists in power may not be the wisest choice. Secondly, a divided Europe (or one united in fascism) is *not* "Europe's last hope". It's a goodbye to Europe's last chance. Thirldy, Geert Wilders is an idiot. Fourthly, afaik you're not even living in the EU, so why do you care about it's demise?


JAL

[jal]

Why do people think I'm trolling because I have different political views? The EU literally needs to die and Wilders and Le Pen are the only ones who can save Europe at this point.

Well, for one, saying "the EU literally needs to die" sounds a lot like trolling, especially since, as the EU is an organisation and not a living organism, it cannot "literally" die. Also, it doesn't "need" to do anything. It's just your, rather unimportant, personal opinion. Thirdly, you seem to be obsessed by "saving" Europe. What kind of Europe do you envision? Isolationist facist nation states? I'm sorry, but I think the majority of people living here don't quite share that vision (though unfortunately, a large minorty does).

Geert Wilders doesn't want to save Europe. Geert Wilders is an egolomaniac who wants attention, not quite unlike that other egolomaniac, even though I don't think Geert is a narcisist.


JAL

[cunningham]

Well, for one, saying "the EU literally needs to die" sounds a lot like trolling, especially since, as the EU is an organisation and not a living organism

It's called hyperbole.

It's just your, rather unimportant, personal opinion

NO U

Thirdly, you seem to be obsessed by "saving" Europe. What kind of Europe do you envision? Isolationist facist nation states? I'm sorry, but I think the majority of people living here don't quite share that vision (though unfortunately, a large minorty does).

Regaining the sovereignty of European nation states, so they won't be ruled by Belgium (who can hardly control their own non-country). Don't overinflate the definition of fascism. That's just silly. Europeans have a right for their language, culture, people and heritage to survive. They don't need hoardes of horny warrior-built barbaric men flooding into every orifice. That should only happen in my bedroom.
Not only that but they are uneducated, unskilled, unvetted and who adhere to a homophobic, sexist, transphobic, death cult ideology that goes against everything to do with liberalism. Immigration policies should serve the interests of a nation's citizens.

And if you think that nobody else in Europe shares my views and you don't seem to understand why Le Pen and Wilders are rising in popularity then you are living in a bubble.

Just because I live in America and not Europe doesn't mean I can't care about Europe. Europeans care about our election. I AM European. That is MY homeland. That is MY history. I will not let it get destroyed. Multiculturalism is a scam.

[jal]

hoardes of horny warrior-built barbaric men flooding into every orifice.

I reported this. I'm pretty sure you crossed a line here.

that goes against everything to do with liberalism.

Funny to hear someone use "liberalism" as if they adhere to it, in a rant that is racist and islamophobic.

And if you think that nobody else in Europe shares my views

I didn't say that, did I? In fact, I said "I think the majority of people living here don't quite share that vision (though unfortunately, a large minorty does)". Read, instead of rant.

I AM European. That is MY homeland.

No it's not. You are decidedly NOT European, and it's NOT your homeland, however you'd want that.

I will not let it get destroyed.

Indeed. Ranting on an obscure forum will save it from destruction!

Multiculturalism is a scam.

Says someone happily living in one of the most multiculturalist country in the world. Or do you envision a future for the US in which, say, those of German, Irish, Polish, English, Dutch etc. decent have their own nation states as united states?


JAL

[jal]

Ah, how I wish I had the luxury of having more than two choices in elections! Best of luck with making up your mind (or retroactive luck, if you see this after you already vote).

Thanks. I voted Pirate Party, but that choice was not made definitively until after half a minute in the voting booth. Unfortunately, the exit polls don't predict a seat currently.


JAL