Venting thread that still excludes eddy (2)

[Salmoneus]

Forgive my ignorance, but is "Traveller" a new euphemism for the Romani? Or is it a different group altogether?

Terminology in this area is rather undefined.

Strictly speaking, no, Travellers are members of the ethnic groups known as Irish Travellers and Scottish Travellers - by far the more commonly the former. Irish Travellers have been an ethnic group in Ireland for centuries, and large numbers migrated to England in the 19th century.

However, the term can also be used more broadly to refer to any of the travelling ethnicities. Often this seems to be defined as Traveller, Gypsy (or Romany Gypsy), and Roma; the first two can sometimes be grouped together (as in the Census, which has a category for Gypsy and Irish Traveller but says that Roma shouldn't tick that box). [Gypsies/Romany Gypsies/Romany have been here for centuries; Roma mostly migrated in the 1990s]. A fourth category are the Showmen or Fairground people, who travel around with, well, fairs. These are all somewhat interconnected culturally and genetically. There are also people called New Age Travellers, who arose in the 1960s and 1970s, and who I believe haven't integrated as much into the travelling community, but don't quote me on that.

[jal]

"So looks like there are still quite a few not resolved", she says.

By what means she decides whether something is resolved or not? Is there an issue tracker with a status? If so, who maintains the status? Etc. If there's nothing to be resolved, the issues should be discarded, which is also a good way to get them off anyone's plate.

If I have children one day I'm sure I will face the same discrimination.

Worse, no doubt, since you're gay and as we know, gays are all child molesting pedophiles, which is why in many countries that allow gay mariage, gay adoption is not (note: this would be jest if not for the fact that many people actually seem to believe this).

Sigh. The longest break I can get from the ideation is two days it seems...

Damn Trav, that sucks :(.


JAL

[alynnidalar]

"So looks like there are still quite a few not resolved", she says.

By what means she decides whether something is resolved or not? Is there an issue tracker with a status? If so, who maintains the status? Etc. If there's nothing to be resolved, the issues should be discarded, which is also a good way to get them off anyone's plate.

There's this rather opaque tool that scans code for vulnerabilities and comes up with a report based on it. While it does identify some vulnerabilities, I don't understand the logic behind what it decides is a vulnerability and what isn't, because sometimes one piece of code will be fine and another very similar piece of code will be marked as having vulnerabilities (which it might actually have, but then I don't understand why the other code doesn't get called out). There is a way to tell it to ignore certain errors , but for some reason, she won't do this for any of them. (she says she doesn't want to accidentally overlook something that does need to be fixed; possibly the tool suppresses errors in a really stupid way, like ignoring all errors of a certain type or ignoring all errors at a particular line of code, rather than suppressing a specific error, or maybe she's just being obstinate)

I don't have access to the tool myself (and she actually only recently got access, so she's not an expert either--we recently got absorbed into a much larger company, and this is a tool they have that we never had before), so I'm honestly not sure how it works.

[Travis B.]

Sigh. The longest break I can get from the ideation is two days it seems...

Damn Trav, that sucks

It does suck, especially when I've actually been planning, where then it is quite alarming...

The thing is that my therapist wants me to add a whole lot more structure to my life, and in particular to restart activities I formerly engaged on but stopped doing because of depressed mood, to occupy my mind because I apparently do better and ideate less seriously when I have structure or are otherwise occupied.

The problem here is that this is sometimes easier said than done, e.g. last night I decided that I was going to make myself work on my Tshyak family of languages, even though I actually no interest of the sort - but unfortunately I crashed quite hard and was unable to do much of anything at all.

In a more general way there is the issue of how do I deal with anhedonia, i.e. how do I make myself do things I neither need nor want to do? Well the obvious solution is to turn these things into needs. But how do I do that? The obvious answer is to treat them as necessary to bring my ideation under control, which is necessary because said ideation definitely poses a threat at this point. But that is all at a rational level. How do I do so at an intuitive level?

[hwhatting]

In a more general way there is the issue of how do I deal with anhedonia, i.e. how do I make myself do things I neither need nor want to do? Well the obvious solution is to turn these things into needs. But how do I do that? The obvious answer is to treat them as necessary to bring my ideation under control, which is necessary because said ideation definitely poses a threat at this point. But that is all at a rational level. How do I do so at an intuitive level?

Are there things you do enjoy, so you could use them as a motivator. e.g. for every milestone on an activity or X time period spent on an activity without getting distracted into negative thoughts you allow yourselve a certain pleasure? Do you have people in your life you could ask to help you keep your structure by reminding you if you slip out of it? (And sorry if these are stupid suggestions.)

[Travis B.]

In a more general way there is the issue of how do I deal with anhedonia, i.e. how do I make myself do things I neither need nor want to do? Well the obvious solution is to turn these things into needs. But how do I do that? The obvious answer is to treat them as necessary to bring my ideation under control, which is necessary because said ideation definitely poses a threat at this point. But that is all at a rational level. How do I do so at an intuitive level?

Are there things you do enjoy, so you could use them as a motivator. e.g. for every milestone on an activity or X time period spent on an activity without getting distracted into negative thoughts you allow yourselve a certain pleasure? Do you have people in your life you could ask to help you keep your structure by reminding you if you slip out of it? (And sorry if these are stupid suggestions.)

Pretty much the only things I enjoy at this point are doing things online, listening to music, drinking coffee or like, or taking very short walks (but even then I do not really enjoy these when I am sufficiently depressed). I cannot ask my parents to help, because then they would ask why, and (for a number of reasons) I have been hiding what has been going on for the past two months from them. Also my two IRL friends live way on the East Coast, even though I have one in particular I have been keeping up to date on how things have been going, and potentially she could remind me to do things.

[hwhatting]

I cannot ask my parents to help, because then they would ask why, and (for a number of reasons) I have been hiding what has been going on for the past two months from them.

Having to hide things from your parents probably doesn't do much to improve your situation. Sorry if you mentioned this already - do you live with them? What is it that they would do that is worse than you ideating about suicide and fearing for your own life? (And I'm fine if you don't want to talk about this, that's quite personal Information, and I don't even know if I can help you.)

[Travis B.]

I cannot ask my parents to help, because then they would ask why, and (for a number of reasons) I have been hiding what has been going on for the past two months from them.

Having to hide things from your parents probably doesn't do much to improve your situation. Sorry if you mentioned this already - do you live with them? What is it that they would do that is worse than you ideating about suicide and fearing for your own life? (And I'm fine if you don't want to talk about this, that's quite personal Information, and I don't even know if I can help you.)

Yes I live with my parents. The problem is how they reacted the first time I got out of inpatient - that time I told them everything about what had been going on, and then they got very tense and controlling, which fed into my crashing pretty hard shortly thereafter. This led to me deciding that I did not want to have to deal with them while suicidal, and that I would much rather deal with Liz, who I trusted to deal with me as I would wish then (including talking me into going inpatient need be without getting controlling). This has the effect though that I have to hide how I am really doing from my parents (which is made easier by that they seem to be in denial especially with respect to my second inpatient, where I simply did not tell them what was up).

[Aili Meilani]

There's this rather opaque tool that scans code for vulnerabilities and comes up with a report based on it.

What's the name of this tool?

[Travis B.]

And what they would do that would be worse than ideating and being terrified about ideating is they would add more pain (despite probably being well-intentioned) on top of all the pain I have already, and the worse things are for me, the less extra pain I can possibly tolerate. When I am actually suicidal, I can't tolerate that I already have, so any extra will only make it even worse, when it already is intolerably bad.

[Travis B.]

I feel like I have been dominating the Venting Thread as of late...

[din]

In a more general way there is the issue of how do I deal with anhedonia, i.e. how do I make myself do things I neither need nor want to do? Well the obvious solution is to turn these things into needs. But how do I do that? The obvious answer is to treat them as necessary to bring my ideation under control, which is necessary because said ideation definitely poses a threat at this point. But that is all at a rational level. How do I do so at an intuitive level?

Though for different reasons, it always helps me to feel like I'm doing something for someone else, or at least because someone else is expecting me to do it. If you have trouble going for a long walk regularly every Wednesday (even though it's something you enjoy), see if you can find someone else who can go with you. Even if you're both (silently) reluctant to go one particular Wednesday, the fact that you feel that the other person expects you to come, and that you don't want to disappoint them, can be enough to get you to go.

If you can't find anyone, online is a good place for many things.

In fact, this could also be related to online content. For your conlang, you could set as a goal to publish a new part of your conlang's grammar every Sunday at noon. Even if you end up having a small or irregular audience, it can be a motivation in itself. And generally people seem to follow content creators who put out content regularly (even over creators who produce better content on an irregular basis).

If that fails, pay someone (if you have the means). Pick something you find interesting (and if, with your current mindset, you can't think of anything interesting, pick something that interested you in the past), and pay someone to teach you on a regular basis. This, too, can be online if you prefer.

[alynnidalar]

There's this rather opaque tool that scans code for vulnerabilities and comes up with a report based on it.

What's the name of this tool?

Not sure, actually, we call it by an internal-only name and I'm not sure what the actual product is. (as I don't have access to it)

On the plus side! I think I was finally able to convince her that no, really, there's no problem. Sent her some links (one of which I'd sent her before, but oh well) that hopefully will satisfy her this time.

[jal]

I feel like I have been dominating the Venting Thread as of late...

I wouldn't call it "dominating". And as long as you're posting here, you're alive, which is good! I'd start to worry when you didn't post for a while...


JAL

[Travis B.]

In a more general way there is the issue of how do I deal with anhedonia, i.e. how do I make myself do things I neither need nor want to do? Well the obvious solution is to turn these things into needs. But how do I do that? The obvious answer is to treat them as necessary to bring my ideation under control, which is necessary because said ideation definitely poses a threat at this point. But that is all at a rational level. How do I do so at an intuitive level?

Though for different reasons, it always helps me to feel like I'm doing something for someone else, or at least because someone else is expecting me to do it. If you have trouble going for a long walk regularly every Wednesday (even though it's something you enjoy), see if you can find someone else who can go with you. Even if you're both (silently) reluctant to go one particular Wednesday, the fact that you feel that the other person expects you to come, and that you don't want to disappoint them, can be enough to get you to go.

If you can't find anyone, online is a good place for many things.

In fact, this could also be related to online content. For your conlang, you could set as a goal to publish a new part of your conlang's grammar every Sunday at noon. Even if you end up having a small or irregular audience, it can be a motivation in itself. And generally people seem to follow content creators who put out content regularly (even over creators who produce better content on an irregular basis).

If that fails, pay someone (if you have the means). Pick something you find interesting (and if, with your current mindset, you can't think of anything interesting, pick something that interested you in the past), and pay someone to teach you on a regular basis. This, too, can be online if you prefer.

What I am thinking of doing is just trying to make myself do something with my conlangs every day, even if I don't really want to do so (like most nights); however, I know I will not be able to do so every day, e.g. last night (where I simply couldn't function at all). It does not have to be a whole lot, it could even be something as simple as translating a sentence every day. If I do not try to do a whole lot, I am less likely to get frustrated or overwhelmed and just give up. (Of course, this will require me having to relearn my conlangs, as it has been so long since I have done anything in them.)

[din]

What I am thinking of doing is just trying to make myself do something with my conlangs every day, even if I don't really want to do so (like most nights); however, I know I will not be able to do so every day, e.g. last night (where I simply couldn't function at all). It does not have to be a whole lot, it could even be something as simple as translating a sentence every day. If I do not try to do a whole lot, I am less likely to get frustrated or overwhelmed and just give up. (Of course, this will require me having to relearn my conlangs, as it has been so long since I have done anything in them.)

Why not put it in this thread? You write here a lot, so try to tack on a sentence in your conlang at least once a day. I can serve as your external pressure :D

[alynnidalar]

I did a stretch this summer where I tried to either do a new translation or at least add one new word to the lexicon every day, and it definitely helped me to have that as a goal! I mean, even if you just add one word, that's something, it's real progress.

[Travis B.]

Okay, this is what I could do now....

Kyoh

farm.IMPF

kau

AGT

yai

DEF

pu

take.IMPF

the

DIR

šaŋ

milk

yuor

ABL

kya

ANIMAL.FEM

pheuŋ

head_of_cattle

yai.

DEF

[kjoh kɑ jɛ pu tʰe ʂaɴ jyøɻ kja pʰɤɴ jɛ]
The farmer is milking the cow.

Coming up with an original sentence, or any sentence, every day in Old Zlang is going to be hard...

(I probably should not bother with trying to make the sentences original.)

[Viktor77]

Gah I never know what to do with my freaking life. I have a ton to do for my MA thesis and it stresses me out. I keep asking myself could I keep this up for a PhD? But what could I do with an MA in French Linguistics? If there are good jobs out there outside academia I would love to try and get one and start my life and not be in school until I'm 30 only to have a useless PhD in a terrible academic job market. I need guidance from someone who knows about careers with MAs in foreign languages. If I only I had chosen Spanish instead...or if only I was someone who liked STEM. I'd be set for life right now....

I feel like having a MA should be a pretty serious accomplishment but when it comes to the liberal arts it's of little value in the real world...especially since I'm not a native speaker of French....

[hwhatting]

Yes I live with my parents. The problem is how they reacted the first time I got out of inpatient - that time I told them everything about what had been going on, and then they got very tense and controlling, which fed into my crashing pretty hard shortly thereafter. This led to me deciding that I did not want to have to deal with them while suicidal, and that I would much rather deal with Liz, who I trusted to deal with me as I would wish then (including talking me into going inpatient need be without getting controlling). This has the effect though that I have to hide how I am really doing from my parents (which is made easier by that they seem to be in denial especially with respect to my second inpatient, where I simply did not tell them what was up).

Well, I'm not in your shoes, so I don't know whether it would be possible to get your parents on your side, making them know how their reactions affect you, maybe even go into family therapy together with you. Perhaps they simply have no clue how to handle you, so they can't find the "golden middle" between being controlling and trying to deny there's a problem at all.

[Travis B.]

Well, I'm not in your shoes, so I don't know whether it would be possible to get your parents on your side, making them know how their reactions affect you, maybe even go into family therapy together with you.

The problem is they have not done or said anything which would indicate that I could trust them here, and I am stuck in the catch-22 that trying to see if I can myself involves revealing what has been going on, and that requires a level of trust I do not have for them at the present. So in essence I can only wait and see if they say anything anything on their own that would indicate that I could trust them with this topic.

Perhaps they simply have no clue how to handle you, so they can't find the "golden middle" between being controlling and trying to deny there's a problem at all.

I think they have always been in denial about the topic (from previous conversations before things really blew up), and only went into controlling-mode when I forced them to face the matter directly... to go back to denial shortly thereafter. And my mother at least should know better, she's a therapist after all, but it seems she reacts differently when it's her own son.

[hwhatting]

Well, yes, that sounds bad.
Can you move out?

[Travis B.]

Well, yes, that sounds bad.

Note that I was really specifically talking about suicidality above. About most things, for the most part, I get along with my parents fine.

Can you move out?

I have thought about it, but the problem is I would be more isolated than I am at the present, which would not help. I probably would not move out unless I got a girlfriend at some point. (E.g. I would probably stop eating if I lived by myself, since I don't really eat unless someone is making me eat at the present.)

[Travis B.]

God, this thread makes it plenty obvious how fucked up I am.

[hwhatting]

Just tell me to shut up if you've got enough of my unsolicited advice. But I assume they know you are in therapy? So maybe you just discuss with them what your therapist said about your need for structure and agree with them on some measures in that area?