Venting thread that still excludes eddy (2)

[Travis B.]

I have never heard of any distinction between "neurotic" and "psychotic" being used the way you are using it, and indeed with delusion being defined as fixed beliefs held contrary to any evidence.

In my case they are delusions, because such beliefs do not go away no matter how hard I reason that such are not real based on all the available evidence, with the exception of things like the hyperacuity, which are not delusional per se but are often linked to psychotic content.

Part of why I am ashamed of all this is that I am pretty sure I have been psychotic in the past (and I feel I am right since I seemingly have convinced my therapist of just this), and both me and my therapist suspect this is such symptoms returned in attenuated form. (My thought is that my meds get less effective every time I spend a while symptomatic, and this time have reduced the ability of my risperidone to fully hold back my psychotic symptoms.) My therapist has started using psychosis in conversation, which scares me, particularly since it makes me feel that she thinks I am right, when I so want to be wrong. People can deal with mere depression and anxiety - and may not know high and mixed moods exist - but psychotic people are crazy and dangerous - even though in my case no one would ever know if I did not tell them. (I have yet to discuss all this in full with my psych - I have only got to talk to her over the phone and in very short appointments to pick up new prescriptions - but she does know about the paranoia and hallucinations.)

On a related note, I have pretty recently realized I have significant negative and disorganized symptoms, e.g. that I actually have a hard time functioning outside of work except when someone is frequently nagging and reminding me to do things. I think it is really these which convinced my therapist. These are not the sorts of things that scare people, unlike the positive symptoms, but instead make me feel useless myself, and make me doubt that I will ever live on my own again, at least before both of my parents are dead. (It is hard to explain to people that I live with my parents when I obviously make more than enough money to easily afford my own apartment, so I have to avoid mentioning the fact to people...)

[rotting bones]

(Sorry guys, I suck. Ban me if you want. (This is because of something I said in this post. I edited it away, something I almost never do.))

(Completely unrelated to the above: God I feel terrible right now. (physical illness))

[Viktor77]

I'm really growing tired of having to fight for my civil rights as a gay man. I know I'm young and so many have fought far longer than I and so I ought to not complain, but it's exhausting nonetheless thinking about it with Trump as president and the people he's put in power. I breathed a sigh of relief when marriage equality passed the Supreme Court because we got married one month before it was ruled on. For that month we were not married where we lived (in Michigan). I know Trump has said he won't touch it, but his Supreme Court pick could if the case was brought back. But it's more the religious liberty laws, or conversion laws, that worry me. The LGBT community and its allies have fought so hard and during Obama's presidency we made enormous leaps of progress. To think of that going backwards sickens and worries me.

Quite frankly I'm just sick and tired of people looking down on gay people. I don't know what we ever did to deserve this kind of hatred. I was just reading about a story of an elector in Montana calling for gay people to be lynched. This kind of discourse is very upsetting as a gay man. You wonder why so many people hate you for something that is so innocuous. You have to worry when you travel, even in your own country, how you should introduce yourself or if you can even mention who you are or that you're married to another man.

And for my generation, generations before us of gay men and women have made incredible progress so that I can go to work and say without having to worry, would you consider hiring my husband as well and have no one blink an eye. I can see the progress, the way people have opened up to gay people, but the hatred still exists and Trump is empowering it and giving it fuel to potentially create policies that will harm LGBT people.

With everything that has been accomplished, it's just incredibly disappointing. This fight is exhausting and I don't know where I'd find the strength to fight again if it comes to it. I just keep asking myself, why must people hate LGBT people so much? What have we ever done to deserve this....

I dare say I understand how many minorities feel. I'm fortunate to be privileged in all other aspects of my identity though so once again, I ought to not complain.

[Vijay]

Just because other people have had bad or "objectively worse" (if that makes sense) experiences doesn't mean you don't get to complain about your own. I'm worried about what will happen to my family and me since I'm a visible minority (in addition to being not entirely straight, but I'm mostly closeted so that's not as obvious of a problem), but I'm worried for you, too (and to some extent your family - after all, your husband is also part of your family, and when any member of a family is in danger, I don't see how it can be good for the family as a whole anyway), and for other ethnic minorities and not-100%-straight people.

[Travis B.]

On a personal level, my concern is that Trump will dismantle SSI/SSDI, which will affect many people like myself (even though I do not rely on it at the present, and I hope to never to, especially since I need the structure of work to function at all). But that is just yet another side of it all, albeit one that is frequently overlooked.

That said, I dislike trying to compare different people's problems or trying to say that some people's problems are more important than others' just because some people are less privileged than others.

[Viktor77]

Somewhere I became wired to tell myself that I don't deserve to complain because many people have it far worse than me and I ought to be grateful for what I have.

That might actually be a very Midwest thing perhaps.

[Travis B.]

Somewhere I became wired to tell myself that I don't deserve to complain because many people have it far worse than me and I ought to be grateful for what I have.

That might actually be a very Midwest thing perhaps.

I do the very same thing too myself. I tell myself that, all things considered, life has not been all than bad. I can still hold down a quite decent job most of the time. It has been years since I have truly been unable to function for extended periods of time (as opposed to only for temporary mood swings). My more severe paranoia (think delusions of being hunted down by police) has been gone for many years. I can maintain a decent sleep schedule. And so on.

But when I actually look at things closer things do not look so good. I have been on and off suicidal for like three months this year, and have wound up in inpatient twice as a result. Both me and my closest friend have worried quite a bit about the likelihood of my ending up dead as a result. I have been cycling or mixed for non-negligible parts of the year, in addition to plain old depression. My paranoia has returned, after having been gone completely for years. I need even more meds than before just to keep me stable. One of the meds needed to keep me stable makes me hallucinate, just like in the bad old days. I cannot function at home without the constant prodding of my parents. I am having trouble understanding conversations or English itself for that matter. I often have inappropriate affect. And so on.

[Vijay]

Somewhere I became wired to tell myself that I don't deserve to complain because many people have it far worse than me and I ought to be grateful for what I have.

That might actually be a very Midwest thing perhaps.

Is that really a Midwest thing? If it is, it's certainly not just a Midwest thing. I used to feel that way, too. (Okay, I did spend the first 6+ years of my life in Cleveland and St. Louis, but I don't think that's why in my case. I think it has more to do with all that Hindu mythology I read all the time even though my family isn't Hindu and neither am I. It's big on things like humility and self-sacrifice and giving up your life for your own enemy's sake and such). I suspect it happens a lot with those of us who are marginalized in some way; we're told over and over again to shut up (though perhaps not in so many words, and sometimes by other people who are, ironically, also marginalized) because our perspective doesn't matter and kids are starving in Africa so how dare we complain and *gasp* you have no idea how bad I had it! and blah blah blah.

Now, of course, there's a grain of truth to this: It's good to be grateful for what you have, BUT if you're not in a mood to think about that at the moment, that's perfectly okay, too. And while we may find it hard to stop comparing our problems to those of other people, it's not only unnecessary but also unhelpful, though through no fault of our own. Really. I know how it feels; I know it can be hard to believe (it must have taken me like three years to fully believe this), but it's true. Our complaints are valid, and someone at least needs to listen to them. It's important for the sake of our self-esteem and mental health (okay, you probably know that already, but still).

[Imralu]

(Sorry guys, I suck. Ban me if you want. (This is because of something I said in this post. I edited it away, something I almost never do.))

(Completely unrelated to the above: God I feel terrible right now. (physical illness))

I really wish people wouldn't do this. I'm so curious now! Hope you're feeling better now.

Somewhere I became wired to tell myself that I don't deserve to complain because many people have it far worse than me and I ought to be grateful for what I have.

That might actually be a very Midwest thing perhaps.

I grew up hearing about my mother's hardships and being told that I had things pretty easy (her way of justifying her decision to stay with my father and assuage her guilt for continuing to subject us to him) ... It wasn't until I was told by a professional that my childhood was pretty hard and completely capable of explaining my messed up brain and saw a friend cry about things that happened to me that I started to feel at all like I have a right to my feelings and problems and that maybe I'm not just weak.

Really, are we going to allow only the person with the single most horrifying story on the face if the earth to complain and everyone else should just shut up? You can complain about your life AND feel grateful that it's not worse. They're not mutually exclusive. I must admit, some vents (like your one about the Danish train poster) make me laugh and shake my head (and I'm grateful for that too) but in principle, any complaint is valid as long as you don't put down the seriousness of other people's problems. Kudos to you for recognising privilege, but don't let it silence you because not talking helps no one.

[Vijay]

I must admit, some vents (like your one about the Danish train poster) make me laugh and shake my head (and I'm grateful for that too) but in principle, any complaint is valid as long as you don't put down the seriousness of other people's problems.

Well, and also, not everyone is always going to understand why some things upset us. But yeah, that still doesn't mean we don't have a right to complain, and there definitely should be someone to make the effort to understand, empathize, and help in some way when we have problems we can't resolve all on our own (which is probably inevitable anyway).

[Viktor77]

Those were very nice comments, thank you for them. I agree with your points wholeheartedly, and I also wanted to say that I wish you all the best, Travis, Vijay, and Benjamin.

It's still going to take a lot of me convincing myself that I have a right to complain without constantly excusing myself though. I'll openly admit that it remains a major struggle of mine. Part of that is to do with my raising. I was raised to keep it all together and not to let weakness show and as a result I grew to, in ways, look badly upon people who do, although I fully understand that that is not in any way a valid or appropriate thing to do and I try my best to curb that sort of behavior. That keep it all together aspect along with the life is worse for other folks aspect have led me to de-legitimize, or at least to simply hide, my own anxieties and complaints. My life over the past few years has been a roller coaster of emotions, from losing my mother and grandmother in one year, to my father becoming unchained, to my brother's alcoholism and almost committing suicide, to constant moves across states and oceans, to uncertainty about the future, to being on the brink of poverty several times, to just being overwhelmed with stress from being a grad student, a TA, and holding a second job all at the same time and worrying about my husband's employment and all of this causing immense stress in our marriage. But I don't like to tell anyone about those things. I'd rather they simply do not know my anxieties for the reasons above, that it shows me in what I was taught is a bad light, even unprofessional, and that many people have it far worse than I and that I'm still fairly privileged. I mean I had a charmed childhood and I've managed to continue to succeed in everything I do.

But I need to remind myself not to think like that. But that's not easy. It's not easy to rewire 25 years of ingrained thought that told you to keep it all together and that you really don't have a right to complain.

[Travis B.]

I really am in a similar place. I try to hide my personal problems for similar reasons, particularly that I want to be seen as normal as possible by people IRL, and that I believe people would see me in a fashion I would not want were they to know the actual me. I prefer that people not know that I am mentally ill, and if they do know, only think of me as somewhat depressed with some occasional hypomania. Only two people really know what is the matter with me IRL aside from psychiatrists and therapists. People can handle mild depression, anxiety, OCD, and hypomania. People cannot handle severe depression, overwhelming anxiety, intense OCD, mania, psychosis, suicidality, potential eating problems, and so on. People do not know what to make of negative and disorganized symptoms. So I feel I must hide these things from almost everyone I know. This is especially true in the context of work, but still is true even at home. I only feel I can be open about them here because I do not know anyone here IRL, and because I have gradually come to feel that it is safe to speak about such topics here.

[jal]

I know that my flatmates are going to adhere to the non-violent and mostly fairly rational behaviour that I've seen from them but subconsciously I'm reacting to a threat while consciously being a bit mystified by my behaviour and emotions. Understanding where these reactions are coming from has allowed me to judge myself less harshly

I once experienced a similar discrapancy between concious thought and an unconcious reaction: at an event organized by the company I work for, we had to (voluntarily) walk a balance beam, about 10, above the ground - of course fully harnessed up. Conciously, I wasn't scared at all, I was safely secured after all, and I wasn't a bit nervous. However, when I stepped onto the beam, and looked down, my legs started to shake uncontrolably, and I couldn't move an inch. I'd always thought my fear of height was based on actual danger, but in this case there was none. A really weird experience.

my grade 6 teacher shouted at me and called me a disgusting animal because I had licked my (own) bowl clean.

What a bad teacher! Even if you do not agree with a certain behaviour, as a teacher, you can't behave like that! I still lick my plate or bowl by the way (strictly at home of course, though I sometimes need to remind me when I'm out :)).

I'm really growing tired of having to fight for my civil rights as a gay man.

I can appreciate that. All civil rights have become insecure now that Trump is elected. Which immediately exposes the weakness of the American legal and social system.


JAL

[Travis B.]

I know that my flatmates are going to adhere to the non-violent and mostly fairly rational behaviour that I've seen from them but subconsciously I'm reacting to a threat while consciously being a bit mystified by my behaviour and emotions. Understanding where these reactions are coming from has allowed me to judge myself less harshly

I once experienced a similar discrapancy between concious thought and an unconcious reaction: at an event organized by the company I work for, we had to (voluntarily) walk a balance beam, about 10, above the ground - of course fully harnessed up. Conciously, I wasn't scared at all, I was safely secured after all, and I wasn't a bit nervous. However, when I stepped onto the beam, and looked down, my legs started to shake uncontrolably, and I couldn't move an inch. I'd always thought my fear of height was based on actual danger, but in this case there was none. A really weird experience.

I have been getting the thing lately where I feel sure that my parents are going to say something negative to me, even though I know that I have no reason to believe this - they are not people to make random negative remarks - and I have no idea of what they would say in the first place, but this feels just as real no matter how much I tell myself I am being irrational.

[Chagen]

I haven't been on here for a while because I started making new friends on a Discord server. Last Monday however, something happened to me and I have to talk about it here. Buckle up, this is long.

I'm taking an Anthropology class right now, called Intro to Cultural Anthropology. I like it, but forever ensconced in the throes of crippling depression and dysthymia, I basically showed up and that was it. Didn't do any of the reason, bailed whenever there was a class discussion, and honestly sometimes didn't even pay attention. There was basically no work besides the tests and on those I bullshitted through everything with my previous Anthropological knowledge acquired from years of internet around social justice/leftist spaces and my previous studies in the discipline.

Now there was a project where we had to read an Ethnography, make a short little slideshow presentation, and then present it for around 3-5 minutes. I didn't do it. I actually forgot it existed, because I gave that little of a fuck. It was due last Friday and my other classmates gave their presentations.

Last Monday, I was sitting in the Humanities building waiting for the class (it's a M-W-F class, though funnily enough it's in the Business building of all things). I'm listening to Japanese Hip-Hop and I see the professor (he's a younger, casual sort of guy). He comes up to me and expresses concern for my grades--I have a 30 right now. I'm ashamed and dodge the question. He tells me that he thinks I shouldn't be failing, and I tell him that I'm depressed and I don't hate his class, I just have...no motivation. He says that he'll give me an extra week (that is, till this coming Monday) to get a book, read it, and make the presentation. He said that if I do that, and do a good job on the final (this Thursday), he'll pass me, even though technically it should be impossible for me to pass. He also suggested I go visit the disability services.

I still am amazed. Like..he knew I was failing, that I barely turned any work in, and yet he's giving me the chance to make it up even though the math isn't in my favor at all. I just...why. Why are people so nice to me? The same thing applies to you, and my new friends on Discord. I don't get it, I just don't. What have I done to deserve this?

Now you wanna know what the other problem is? I haven't even gotten my book until today. I tried. I went to school to get it, but I just...couldn't. All of my motivation is gone. I feel empty inside. I knew I had people depending on me--my Discord friends pushed me to get work done, and I told them I would, and he let me have an extra week. But I couldn't do it. So every day, until today, I went to school and did nothing but mindlessly browse the internet and cry to my friends online about how pathetic I felt. Today, I finally grabbed a book--an ethnography on language revitalization in Athabascan communities. Perfect little thing for a linguistically-minded person like myself, huh?

But here comes the third thing that saddens me. It took me literally less than ten minutes to find this book through my school's library database. 10 minutes to find a book that I would have already wanted to read anyway, and I wasted five days doing nothing. This always happens to me. I procrastinate and procrastinate, and when I finally get my butt in gear, I realize how much time I wasted, and it makes me feel even worse. I could have had this thing done by Wednesday probably. Hell, I could have turned it in when it was due. But no, I didn't. I wasted my time. This depresses me even further and makes continuing on the work even worse. How many things have I done at the last minute, that would have been even better had I started earlier? I didn't even have to find the fucking book in the library, I CAN DOWNLOAD IT ON MY COMPUTER TO KEEP FOREVER FOR FREE! That's what being a student at this university gets me!

And on a similar note, while looking for a book I realized just how much knowledge my school's library had that I wasted. Thousands of interesting linguistic and anthropological books I could have checked out. I looked for my book in the library (wasn't there so I'm using pdf's) and saw hundreds of interesting books on Native American cultures in its section. I wasted all of this. How many wonderful academic textbooks on linguistics and anthropology that I could have taken and devoured with wide-open eyes have I passed up? Now I am even more depressed.

This is the story of my life. Looking back and seeing how much I wasted, how many things I could have done, books I could have read, shows and movies I could have watched, stories I could have written, hobbies I could have pursued, people I could have met, events I could have gone to, places I could have visited...I have wasted my entire life, and I am now a pathetic failure of a human being for it.

Today and tomorrow I am gonna have to plow through a 200-page book and create a slideshow. The hard part honestly is the reading, and that'll be easier since I already have a strong backing in linguistics. In all honestly, the presentation is so surface-level (this is a 101 class that is mostly taken by freshman/sophomores after all) that I could speed through the book and bullshit half of my presenation up. All we have to do is describe what the book's about, the methodology the author uses (and only to the extent of "the author interviewed blah-blah-blah and studied blah-blah-blah"), and then provide the book's findings and conclusions (I mean...it's a book on language revitalization. Obviously the findings are gonna be pretty much "the Athabascans have found a pressing need to keep their language intact and have encountered many unique challenges blah blah blah...").

Jesus fucking christ. This assignment is so easy. Why did I not just fucking do it when it was assigned? I don't even have to provide page numbers or quotations from the book. I really could bullshit my way through this assignment without a problem.

I really do hate myself.

[jmcd]

You don't need to ask why people are being nice to you. If you really want an answer (beyond normal human sociability), I suggest that he noticed that, motivational problems and whatever notwithstanding, you are interested in his subject and have the mettle for it. He has faith in you, your passion and your ability to produce the work he asks of you.

I suggest also that you skim the book first, then read it again in greater detail, taking notes all the while. Focus at first on titles, headings, the introduction and the conclusion.
(I read about this in How to Read a Book by Mortimer Adler)

Also, a bright side is that you've now discovered thousands of interesting resources you can use. Not just could have used but *can* use.

[Travis B.]

Sigh. The depression is long gone... yet I am incapable of eating like a normal person... or if I am made to eat like one, as is often the case, cannot do so without resenting it.

[rotting bones]

I haven't been able to properly concentrate on my studies since Trump started winning. In my internal narrative, I was trying to spend time away from India because populists like Modi and Mamata are in charge. I'm ranting on the ZBB again instead of studying for tomorrow's exam. (I wonder how low a GPA reasonably good universities will accept with a so so quantitative GRE score like this: https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B9wG- ... 3NWWHFWaFU (http://www.kaptest.com/blog/grad-school ... -programs/) I wish I had practiced before the GRE so that I didn't leave every math section incomplete.)

[jal]

The depression is long gone...

Good to hear Trav, though "long gone" is I suppose pretty relative, or are you referring to another episode than the recent one with ideation etc.?

yet I am incapable of eating like a normal person... or if I am made to eat like one, as is often the case, cannot do so without resenting it.

Well, not everybody likes to eat, especially if it is associated with negative feelings.

A rant of my own: bith the oven and the dishwasher broke down. We have replaced them both, but of course the new ones have different controls, display and, in case of the dishwasser, a different layout so that I need to re-invent the optimal way to put the dishes, cups and pans in it (and it might be a fraction smaller as well, so everything fits even worse). Bah :(


JAL

[Travis B.]

The depression is long gone...

Good to hear Trav, though "long gone" is I suppose pretty relative, or are you referring to another episode than the recent one with ideation etc.?

It's been gone since around the time of the election, which really isn't that long, but even still is definitely a relief.

yet I am incapable of eating like a normal person... or if I am made to eat like one, as is often the case, cannot do so without resenting it.

Well, not everybody likes to eat, especially if it is associated with negative feelings.

Left to my own devices I eat a yogurt and a light sandwich per day. I don't like to eat more, and if someone else is feeding me I resent it and try to get out of it, and if I am making myself eat more I feel like I am forcefeeding myself and frequently do not finish what I am eating.

A rant of my own: bith the oven and the dishwasher broke down. We have replaced them both, but of course the new ones have different controls, display and, in case of the dishwasser, a different layout so that I need to re-invent the optimal way to put the dishes, cups and pans in it (and it might be a fraction smaller as well, so everything fits even worse). Bah

The first thing that came to mind is just how much all that must cost...

[Chagen]

I finished that assignment and presented it Monday. I got a 48/50 on it.

I also visited my psychiatrist (who has been prescribing me my ADHD medication) and decided to stop lying to him. In the end, he prescribed me an anti-depressant, which I will start taking in 2-3 days. He says it will take 2-3 weeks of constant taking to start having an effect, but at this point I'm desperate for anything.

[rotting bones]

Stayed up all night and bombed the test yesterday. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

[jal]

It's been gone since around the time of the election, which really isn't that long, but even still is definitely a relief.

That's really great to hear. The meds work then, I suppose?

Left to my own devices I eat a yogurt and a light sandwich per day. I don't like to eat more, and if someone else is feeding me I resent it and try to get out of it, and if I am making myself eat more I feel like I am forcefeeding myself and frequently do not finish what I am eating.

That's a difficult situation. I suppose you try to "force feed" yourself anyway? Or are you losing weight atm?

The first thing that came to mind is just how much all that must cost...

Yeah, well, I'm in the lucky situation that I don't have to worry too much about the almost € 1500 that cost. I mean, it mustn't happen every month, but I have a comfortable financial buffer for such happenstances...


JAL

[jmcd]

I finished that assignment and presented it Monday. I got a 48/50 on it.

I also visited my psychiatrist (who has been prescribing me my ADHD medication) and decided to stop lying to him. In the end, he prescribed me an anti-depressant, which I will start taking in 2-3 days. He says it will take 2-3 weeks of constant taking to start having an effect, but at this point I'm desperate for anything.

Well done! For the assignment, and the honesty.

[jal]

I finished that assignment and presented it Monday. I got a 48/50 on it.
I also visited my psychiatrist (who has been prescribing me my ADHD medication) and decided to stop lying to him. In the end, he prescribed me an anti-depressant, which I will start taking in 2-3 days. He says it will take 2-3 weeks of constant taking to start having an effect, but at this point I'm desperate for anything.

Well done! For the assignment, and the honesty.

Indeed! I missed the message when I visited earlier, but this is really great news Chagen! I hope you can find some pride in both.


JAL