Venting thread that still excludes eddy (2)

[Imralu]

And today, both of my flatmates, who usually eat breakfast together, knocked on my door and asked me to eat with them. They had cooked a nice meal ... so I feel like the pettiest fucker in the world for hiding cereal in my room.

[finlay]

nah man keep that shit in your room. they don't need it. if you're really worried about it, and you shouldn't be, you should just give them something in exchange.

I'm tired of being with roommates too... this house is too big and there are new people coming in and i don't want to have to interact with them at all. I'm gonna try and get my own place closer to work - also a coworker is offering me his place for a few months I think so it'll be an easy chance to get out of here sharpish.

[Viktor77]

I've been recruited to teach/assist in two English translation classes (French-English apparently). I'm nervous because these professors want me because I'm a native speaker but now I'm going to become the authority on English in these classes. I just speak English, I've never really studied it formerly. I probably say things all the time that are grammatically incorrect or bizarre and now I'm the authority on what works in English? Half the time I can't even remember the English word for a French word. Today I spent 10 minutes trying to translate un aller-retour, a two way, a there and back, no, what is it, oh yea a round-trip...(that's a good example, I have no idea how one spells round-trip. Is it roundtrip, round-trip, round trip...?)

[linguoboy]

You think English-speaking translators don't just look this shit up when they need it?

[Viktor77]

You think English-speaking translators don't just look this shit up when they need it?

You're right, we all pretend to know more than we really do and when in private we're always looking stuff up.

[jal]

Today I spent 10 minutes trying to translate un aller-retour, a two way, a there and back, no, what is it, oh yea a round-trip...(that's a good example, I have no idea how one spells round-trip. Is it roundtrip, round-trip, round trip...?)

Heh, I wouldn't have thought of the English word either, although I passively knew it. In Dutch (if you ever need it), it's called a "retourtje" (as opposed to an "enkeltje") - well, at least colloquially.


JAL

[Imralu]

Yeah, that's why it's harder to teach in a multilingual environment, in my experience. If someone asks me "What's [German word] in English?" I can just about never find it.

[finlay]

You'd better look up the word "formally" vic

[linguoboy]

Yeah, that's why it's harder to teach in a multilingual environment, in my experience. If someone asks me "What's [German word] in English?" I can just about never find it.

This drives me crazy at work. So many German terms are transparently compositional that I have no problem understanding them when I read them, but if the corresponding English term doesn't use the same underlying metaphor, then I have to rack my brain for it. So someone comes to me and asks, "What does this say?" and I sound like a stumbling idiot trying to tell them. "Oh, it's about...um...how much seed to put in the ground, like, um, in a particular area?" "Oh, you mean sowing density?" "Yeah, that!"

[Viktor77]

You'd better look up the word "formally" vic

Fuck!

[Imralu]

Today I looked down and found that I've jumped in a weird direction and there's no safety net under me.

(1) I can't get a job without mental health treatment.
(2) I can't get treatment without either a job or welfare.
(3) As I just found out today, I can't get welfare without having had a job here.
Repeat until homeless and crazy.

The only way I can get welfare is welfare for mental health, which will probably mean that I'd have to move into a clinic, which is terrifying (although slightly less terrifying than being homeless) and even then, they may say that I should go to Ireland or back to Australia, which is somehow more terrifying than being homeless.

(1) seems to be the only thing that's not absolute in this. I am going to have to hammer myself until I get a job, but the more I push myself, the more my mental health suffers and the more I have to push myself the next time.

A couple of years ago, I uprooted my life and started a new one on the other side of the world. That was hard but nothing on just trying to do something normal like getting a job with depression.

[Viktor77]

Today I looked down and found that I've jumped in a weird direction and there's no safety net under me.

(1) I can't get a job without mental health treatment.
(2) I can't get treatment without either a job or welfare.
(3) As I just found out today, I can't get welfare without having had a job here.
Repeat until homeless and crazy.

The only way I can get welfare is welfare for mental health, which will probably mean that I'd have to move into a clinic, which is terrifying (although slightly less terrifying than being homeless) and even then, they may say that I should go to Ireland or back to Australia, which is somehow more terrifying than being homeless.

(1) seems to be the only thing that's not absolute in this. I am going to have to hammer myself until I get a job, but the more I push myself, the more my mental health suffers and the more I have to push myself the next time.

A couple of years ago, I uprooted my life and started a new one on the other side of the world. That was hard but nothing on just trying to do something normal like getting a job with depression.

I assume you have a work permit? Why can't you get a job without mental health treatment? Why is that any of the employer's business. I'd just lie to them, they don't need to know that. Can you not fudge the system a bit? I imagine in Belgium you could. Or as a last resort you could work under the table, at least you'd have money coming in.

[jal]

Why can't you get a job without mental health treatment?

I think the key is this:

I am going to have to hammer myself until I get a job, but the more I push myself, the more my mental health suffers and the more I have to push myself the next time.

JAL

[Viktor77]

Why can't you get a job without mental health treatment?

I think the key is this:

I am going to have to hammer myself until I get a job, but the more I push myself, the more my mental health suffers and the more I have to push myself the next time.

JAL

Ah I was looking at it from a legal POV.

[Imralu]

I assume you have a work permit?

I have an Irish passport, so ... EU.

Why can't you get a job without mental health treatment?

Short answer: because I'm mentally ill.

Longer answer: It's not because of any official rule or anything. I'm FUUUUUCKED. My brain has decided this is a thing it's scared of (even though it's far more appropriate to be scared of not doing this thing ... but don't worry, I'm afraid of that too, lol!) and trying to write a job application, looking at job requirements or anything like that results in me feeling incredibly horrible, usually with tears. All I can think about is how useless I am (which I know is objectively not true at all, but knowing that doesn't help) and my brain fills up with 100 reasons why I can't do it and it takes all my energy to fight those down. The kinds of people who look at motivational posters and don't laugh in contempt at them, will tell me at this point that I'm going about it all wrong, that I'm not applying myself, but I can't seem to just push through my feelings and get things done because if I push, it gets so bad it can kind of take everything offline. Sometimes when I'm feeling kind of good, I can kind of sneak in some time on something before I start to feel too horrible and one time, I actually got a whole application letter done in one go, right up until I was trying to fiddle with some minor details and I actually just suddenly fell asleep for a few hours and woke up feeling completely desolate and horrible, crying uncontrollably. I have no idea how I'm ever going to get through a job interview if it gets to that stage. I know I have to think positive, and I'm generally pretty good at face to face interactions with people when I'm being professional, but there's a lot of pressure

The thing that makes me feel like the biggest loser is I can be quite articulate about all of this. I can sit here and write out what it's like to be in it, which just comes out like a list of excuses, but I can't actually do it. There are a lot of days when I can't even make myself leave my room and quite a few times, I've gone 24 hours without sleep, food, water or even going to the toilet. Obviously not for any good reasons. For crazy reasons. I can't leave my room because I might see my flatmates ... and if I see my flatmates, they might ask me why I've been in my room so long ... or they might ask me if I'm OK ... or they might tell me I should get out more ... I have to think of all the answers that I might give, even if it's just to grunt and walk past them, and then I start worrying about how that would affect how they relate to me if I did that and so on. I know this is crazy. I'm perpetually disappointed with the stupid shit my brain comes up with, but if I try to disregard it, it can just pull the plug. I so often burst into tears the moment my hand touches my door handle and that's a game changer. I'm not just sitting here being negative. My brain is not working properly. That's what a mental illness is. It's fucking scary and I just want to be well again.

And I'm losing touch with people. People write to me "Hey, what have you been up to?" and if I were to write an honest answer it would be "Sitting in the dark on my broken futon and crying a lot." On a good day maybe "Conlanging, writing emails about my feelings, watching funny youtube videos, killing hours on FB, masturbating." Usually I lie and feel horrible. There's not much to have a conversation about and if I want to arrange a meeting, it gets difficult. I don't want them to come to my house because my room looks like my brain. It's fucked. The weather's getting colder and outside is not usually an option. Cafés are out because I can't justify spending money on beverages when water is basically free. I don't want to invite myself over to anyone's house. Apart from houses, there's nowhere to sit inside and hang out with someone that doesn't expect you to spend money. If I have to spend money, it should be on solid food that will stop me from losing weight, and I don't cook, don't want to ask anyone to cook for me, and don't want to go anywhere nice. I want to go to the diviest, cheapest places where I can fill up and most people find that weird. I'm finding ways to phrase it so that my close friends might join me, but it's not much to offer. "Want to come and eat piles of cheap, crappy food with me while I have nothing to talk about and keep tuning out while you're talking because I am literally picturing myself as a homeless man. You will get a ridiculously good hug!" I'm basically only hanging out with people when they invite me to their places and a lot of people are contacting me less because they think I want to be alone, and from moment to moment, it's true ... but I need to keep seeing people. I have a regular thing I go to on Wednesdays - cheap, healthy food with friends - that I haven't been able to make myself go to lately because I can't face the group. Then I have a German sign language meetup on Fridays that has been the one group social thing that I haven't found too overwhelming and it's the one thing that I really enjoy, but now there's a particular person who I feel very uncomfortable around (not for any good reason, of course!) who always goes and it's a battle to make myself go to that now too, and whether I go or don't go, I usually end up feeling rubbish afterwards because I didn't go and that's disappointing, or because I feel drained from a certain person's company, or I feel horrible for slightly asserting myself and giving him the cold shoulder. It's the last thing I have left, so I can't stop going to that.

FUCK THIS SHIT! FUCK ALL OF IT!

It's time to go and eat cheap pasta now and tomorrow I'm going to give it a good go. Knowing there's no safety net means I'm just going to have to flap my little stumpy wings as fast as they can go.

[jal]

FUCK THIS SHIT! FUCK ALL OF IT!

Indeed. Thanks for sharing.

It's time to go and eat cheap pasta now and tomorrow I'm going to give it a good go. Knowing there's no safety net means I'm just going to have to flap my little stumpy wings as fast as they can go.

Flap all you can!


JAL

[Viktor77]

I assume you have a work permit?

I have an Irish passport, so ... EU.

Why can't you get a job without mental health treatment?

Short answer: because I'm mentally ill.

Longer answer: It's not because of any official rule or anything. I'm FUUUUUCKED. My brain has decided this is a thing it's scared of (even though it's far more appropriate to be scared of not doing this thing ... but don't worry, I'm afraid of that too, lol!) and trying to write a job application, looking at job requirements or anything like that results in me feeling incredibly horrible, usually with tears. All I can think about is how useless I am (which I know is objectively not true at all, but knowing that doesn't help) and my brain fills up with 100 reasons why I can't do it and it takes all my energy to fight those down. The kinds of people who look at motivational posters and don't laugh in contempt at them, will tell me at this point that I'm going about it all wrong, that I'm not applying myself, but I can't seem to just push through my feelings and get things done because if I push, it gets so bad it can kind of take everything offline. Sometimes when I'm feeling kind of good, I can kind of sneak in some time on something before I start to feel too horrible and one time, I actually got a whole application letter done in one go, right up until I was trying to fiddle with some minor details and I actually just suddenly fell asleep for a few hours and woke up feeling completely desolate and horrible, crying uncontrollably. I have no idea how I'm ever going to get through a job interview if it gets to that stage. I know I have to think positive, and I'm generally pretty good at face to face interactions with people when I'm being professional, but there's a lot of pressure

The thing that makes me feel like the biggest loser is I can be quite articulate about all of this. I can sit here and write out what it's like to be in it, which just comes out like a list of excuses, but I can't actually do it. There are a lot of days when I can't even make myself leave my room and quite a few times, I've gone 24 hours without sleep, food, water or even going to the toilet. Obviously not for any good reasons. For crazy reasons. I can't leave my room because I might see my flatmates ... and if I see my flatmates, they might ask me why I've been in my room so long ... or they might ask me if I'm OK ... or they might tell me I should get out more ... I have to think of all the answers that I might give, even if it's just to grunt and walk past them, and then I start worrying about how that would affect how they relate to me if I did that and so on. I know this is crazy. I'm perpetually disappointed with the stupid shit my brain comes up with, but if I try to disregard it, it can just pull the plug. I so often burst into tears the moment my hand touches my door handle and that's a game changer. I'm not just sitting here being negative. My brain is not working properly. That's what a mental illness is. It's fucking scary and I just want to be well again.

And I'm losing touch with people. People write to me "Hey, what have you been up to?" and if I were to write an honest answer it would be "Sitting in the dark on my broken futon and crying a lot." On a good day maybe "Conlanging, writing emails about my feelings, watching funny youtube videos, killing hours on FB, masturbating." Usually I lie and feel horrible. There's not much to have a conversation about and if I want to arrange a meeting, it gets difficult. I don't want them to come to my house because my room looks like my brain. It's fucked. The weather's getting colder and outside is not usually an option. Cafés are out because I can't justify spending money on beverages when water is basically free. I don't want to invite myself over to anyone's house. Apart from houses, there's nowhere to sit inside and hang out with someone that doesn't expect you to spend money. If I have to spend money, it should be on solid food that will stop me from losing weight, and I don't cook, don't want to ask anyone to cook for me, and don't want to go anywhere nice. I want to go to the diviest, cheapest places where I can fill up and most people find that weird. I'm finding ways to phrase it so that my close friends might join me, but it's not much to offer. "Want to come and eat piles of cheap, crappy food with me while I have nothing to talk about and keep tuning out while you're talking because I am literally picturing myself as a homeless man. You will get a ridiculously good hug!" I'm basically only hanging out with people when they invite me to their places and a lot of people are contacting me less because they think I want to be alone, and from moment to moment, it's true ... but I need to keep seeing people. I have a regular thing I go to on Wednesdays - cheap, healthy food with friends - that I haven't been able to make myself go to lately because I can't face the group. Then I have a German sign language meetup on Fridays that has been the one group social thing that I haven't found too overwhelming and it's the one thing that I really enjoy, but now there's a particular person who I feel very uncomfortable around (not for any good reason, of course!) who always goes and it's a battle to make myself go to that now too, and whether I go or don't go, I usually end up feeling rubbish afterwards because I didn't go and that's disappointing, or because I feel drained from a certain person's company, or I feel horrible for slightly asserting myself and giving him the cold shoulder. It's the last thing I have left, so I can't stop going to that.

FUCK THIS SHIT! FUCK ALL OF IT!

It's time to go and eat cheap pasta now and tomorrow I'm going to give it a good go. Knowing there's no safety net means I'm just going to have to flap my little stumpy wings as fast as they can go.

Well the good thing is you're an EU citizen and that goes a million miles for your stay in Germany at least. It's a struggle for me and my husband who are US nationals. I'd give anything to have an EU passport. I should've married an EU national haha!

I wish I could help, I'm sure I can't say anything that's not just stupid it will get better crap. It's tough for me here too and I can relate to your problems. I have friends who tell me similar to you that I need to stop eating a crappy places that can be easy and comfortable (Dominoes pizza or Quick (though it's been a while with Quick)) and eat real authentic Belgian food. I do but I have a real fear of restaurants. Not just on the language level, though that is part of it, but the waiters can be so mentally judgmental and if you order a coke, for example, it's like blasphemy because you should be ordering alcohol. I have friends that sort of force me to drink alcohol too because that's the culture and I want to assimilate, but I'm not a big beer or wine fan. I'll probably regret not eating at more restaurants. Cody and I don't go out to the bar either unless it's with friends. I'll probably regret that too.

I would suggest meeting up and hanging out in Berlin if you were up to it. That goes for you too, Jal, I'd love to meet up if you'd want to.

[Imralu]

Just an example of how much my brain hates me.


This morning, I wake up feeling unusually positive. Go and jump in the shower to help me wake up properly, get out of the showe and getting dressed to go out and get something to eat before I come back and devote myself to trying to do something productive for as long as I can. I'm feeling positive and not letting my brain dwell on things and I'm doing that by singing in my head and mouthing along, which is blocking out all the other thoughts. No way my brain can sabbotge that with tears! But my brain was like "Hey! Do you want to go to the shops?" and I was like "Yeah" and then my brain goes "... what about when you're blind?" I'm like "FUCK YOU! I'M STILL GOING!"

So, I have a migraine today. Normally when I get migraines, I get an aura before it - blind patch or a whole side of my vision that goes blind for about half an hour, and then that c;ears up and my head just feels a bit tender for a couple of days. I usually forgot about it until I bend over quickly or cough or something. It's really not that big a deal and the aura s the biggest annoyance. So today, I go to the supermarket and choose some things to eat and by the time I get to the checkout the blind spot has actually spread over the middle of my vision which only happens occasionlly. When that happens, I have to move my eyes around like crazy to see what I'm looking at and I couldn't really see what money I was handing over without a lot of effort and I'm sure the checkout lady thinks I'm a total fucking weirdo. She probably did already. I don't care though. I thought I'll just go for a walk and it will clear up before I get home. So I sat outside under the grey sky eating, Nothing tasted good but I had to eat. My vision cleared up. I got home and turned on my computer, opened up the files I want to work on andthe headache sets in, And the blind spot comes back! I've never had an aura retern before and I'm like "Fuck! Am I going to have a double migraine?" Both auras have been on the right, so at least I know it's not going to be a migraine in both hemispheres at the same time.

I can see enough to type this, and it's been clearing slightly - maybe because I'm not pushing myself now, but I can't really read at the moment and I just want to lie down, but I slept enough so I probably won't sleep and that's usually when I start crying incontrollably so I'm bracing myself for that and trying to be nice to myself. I will just have to ride this out and try again tomorrow and hopefully my mood is as positivr then. And I was hoping to go to the thing I go to one Wednesdays because I haven't been for over a month now but I don"t know if I will be able to cope with straining to hear over the noise and everything. So today is probably a write-off and i just have to look aftr myself and be nice to myself - no problem. I can fix my life tomorrow.

[Imralu]

So the crying happened anyway. Thanks for your messages, guys.

[jal]

So the crying happened anyway.

Hey, not only mental problems but also physical ones (though still in the brain). You're one unlucky basterd! (And there's no shame to crying.) I hope the migrain clears out, so at least you have one less problem to deal with.

That goes for you too, Jal, I'd love to meet up if you'd want to.

Well, if you're ever in Amsterdam, I think I can sneak from work for a couple of hours :). That is, I'd love to meet up as well, but I have a crazy busy life, so travelling would be out of the question for me at the moment.


JAL

[Viktor77]

So the crying happened anyway. Thanks for your messages, guys.

Maybe this video of a hedgehog getting a tummy rub will cheer you up?

https://www.facebook.com/TheBestSet/vid ... 117060401/

[Imralu]

Thanks!

The aura's back. I didn't even know that was possible. If I look at a picture of a person fill screen, I can't see their left eye or below. It's just shimmery nothing. Clearly it's a stress migraine, but how is this helping? I want a brain transplant. This shit's fucked. At least the headache is not too bad.

[Imralu]

I ended up going to my Wednesday thing, seeing friends I haven't seen in ages and they're so bloody supportive. We talked about my situation a bit and I ended up breaking down and crying in front of them, in the bar, and they were so sweet to me. I've also been assured that I will never be homeless as long as they're around. They're also really making an effort to make sure they don't overstep my boundaries and make me feel pressured, asking me if it's OK, in future, to ask XYZ or not. And then we just talked about the usual crap that we talk about and it was nice. I felt really tense when I walked into the bar and it was overwhelming to be around so many people but by the end I felt almost normal. There is beauty in my life again. It did a lot of good. I'm going to make an effort to go to all three things that are arranged this weekend. Try to be more social again ... once I get there, it's OK.

[Viktor77]

I ended up going to my Wednesday thing, seeing friends I haven't seen in ages and they're so bloody supportive. We talked about my situation a bit and I ended up breaking down and crying in front of them, in the bar, and they were so sweet to me. I've also been assured that I will never be homeless as long as they're around. They're also really making an effort to make sure they don't overstep my boundaries and make me feel pressured, asking me if it's OK, in future, to ask XYZ or not. And then we just talked about the usual crap that we talk about and it was nice. I felt really tense when I walked into the bar and it was overwhelming to be around so many people but by the end I felt almost normal. There is beauty in my life again. It did a lot of good. I'm going to make an effort to go to all three things that are arranged this weekend. Try to be more social again ... once I get there, it's OK.

That's great to hear. People can surprise you how wonderfully supportive they can be. People in my life have surprised me many times in this way. Being there for me during tough times in ways I'd never imagine, and sometimes people you barely know!

[finlay]

I ended up going to my Wednesday thing, seeing friends I haven't seen in ages and they're so bloody supportive. We talked about my situation a bit and I ended up breaking down and crying in front of them, in the bar, and they were so sweet to me. I've also been assured that I will never be homeless as long as they're around. They're also really making an effort to make sure they don't overstep my boundaries and make me feel pressured, asking me if it's OK, in future, to ask XYZ or not. And then we just talked about the usual crap that we talk about and it was nice. I felt really tense when I walked into the bar and it was overwhelming to be around so many people but by the end I felt almost normal. There is beauty in my life again. It did a lot of good. I'm going to make an effort to go to all three things that are arranged this weekend. Try to be more social again ... once I get there, it's OK.

now remember this message when you next feel down again, and hopefully find a supportive irl friend who can help you when you're feeling shitty.

how have you supported yourself for the last two years, if you don't mind me asking?