Venting thread that still excludes eddy (2)

[jal]

Bowie's dead :(


JAL

[vampireshark]

Bowie's dead :(

Quite a sad day, indeed. Really was a surprise to me: after all, he had just released another album a couple of days ago!

[jal]

Quite a sad day, indeed. Really was a surprise to me: after all, he had just released another album a couple of days ago!

Yeah, listening to it right now. I just hope he was aware of the good reviews it got, though he probably already was in a coma or the like... :( I'm so sad...


JAL

[linguoboy]

Quite a sad day, indeed. Really was a surprise to me: after all, he had just released another album a couple of days ago!

Apparently, that was all deliberate. Talk about going out on your own terms!

[Chagen]

I did it. I fantasized about suicide again.

This time the fantasy involved me secretly getting my dad's gun, and then calling him and my mother into the living room before giving them a long speech, handing them the suicide note, and then blowing my brains out in front of them.

But then I realize the sheer grief and anguish I would subject my parents to and I just...can't do it. Fuck.

[jal]

But then I realize the sheer grief and anguish I would subject my parents to and I just...can't do it. Fuck.

That's probably a good thing. I realize you don't react to what others say here, and you don't need to (it's a venting thread after all), but I do hope you find a way to feel better (without resorting to drastic measures*).

*There's probably things you could do that are drastic and good, but I'm referring to drastic things that most people would say aren't good, like suicide.


JAL

[finlay]

I have to go to the dentist tomorrow for a toothachey thing, and I've no idea how much it's going to cost overall. This is very annoying when I'd been planning to get myself to a ski park. Unfortunately the tooth thing has to take priority DX

[Chagen]

Here's a non-suicide post for once.

I have been dealing with some tuition-related bullshit at my school and it's about to make me lose it (granted, most of this could've been averted if I weren't such a lazy asshole, which makes it worse). I couldn't register for the Spring 2016 semester because I hadn't paid off the balance for the Fall 2015 one. However, I was unable to apply any kind of financial aid to the Fall 2015 balance because I wasn't registered for the 2016 semester, which meant it was impossible to pay until I went the financial aid office and got them to lit the hold on registration for a day, which they did handily. However, as soon as I did that, the balance for the 2016 semester was instantly applied to my account, and now they want me to pay off both of them at the same time when I had wanted to pay them off separately.

Fuck everything.

I am about to have a nervous breakdown. I really am. And I've recently come to the painful realization that literally fucking no one cares about me. My own parents don't know that I'm depressed at all, because I never tell them. They're old-fashioned "mental illness is just laziness/lack of character/bad parenting" people. I have but one friend whom I talk with or meet only once every few weeks. And why should I throw my bullshit on him? He can't really do anything, and I don't want him to waste time worrying about me. I may go down eventually, but I'm not dragging him with it.

Someone on a college forum suggested to me that I take the semester off, but my father wont allow that. I feel trapped in my own home. Yes, I do appreciate that my parents let me live here and even have my own room for free, but I basically can't do anything that goes against them. I have no car, so I can't go anywhere without them. My father wont let me see a therapist. He's all but outright stated that he'll be extremely mad if I go to a therapist, because it'll make *him* look bad. That's why I'm always in this thread, by the way. The internet is the only place I can talk about this. I can't talk about it in my own home, I have basically no friends to talk to it about, nor any mental health professional to vent to. Sorry if it bothers you.

I've been recently getting these episodes where my chest seizes up, feels really heavy, and I feel like I'm about to cry. I never do, but they're happening more and more often. I don't know how much longer I can endure this before I totally collapse psychologically. I'm depressed, suicidal, stuck in a home with two parents utterly ignorant of this who are making it worse, have no friends, and have zero motivation for college.

It has been like this for a long time. But only today has it truly dawned on me how alone I truly am.

[vampireshark]

So, back in August, my brother and another person in the doctoral program I was in back in the States failed the candidacy exam. Fortunately, the program permits students a second attempt, which happened about a week ago... unfortunately, both my brother and the other person failed a second time, meaning that they won't be permitted to continue to the doctorate (though they can leave with a Master's). This makes me very sad, especially with, in the case of my brother, how much I worked to get him into the program.

The whole thing is quite strange to me, though, because it's both an unusual percentage of people who failed a first attempt and the fact that people failed the second attempt; that almost never happens and hadn't in the four or five previous years from what I'd heard. Who knows, though.

Also, turns out, at that same university (but in a different department), the FBI's investigating a professor for possible ties to Daesh/ISIL. How fun.

[hwhatting]

@ Chagen: Do they have a counselor at your school you could discuss your mental problems with? Maybe they could organize some help.

[jal]

@ Chagen: Do they have a counselor at your school you could discuss your mental problems with? Maybe they could organize some help.

Well, there's probably enough help to be found, but a) Chagen doesn't seem to react to our posts asking them stuff (which is fair enough, he didn't ask for our help after all) and 2) if what they write is true, they are probably too emerged in their problems and depression to see any way out of them.


JAL

[Chagen]

I managed to talk with the Financial Services and get a plan to pay off the money with much more ease, through a multi-payment installment plan.

However, upon telling this to my mom, she launched into psychotic paranoia and insisted that the school is lying and that she already paid what we owe. This quickly degenerated into calling me a lazy and worthless piece of shit. She then made it all about herself with "why should I suffer for you?" and making me the bad guy.

Then she threatened to beat the shit out of me and called my dad in order to give him a biased view of the events in hopes of turning him against me.

Why do I even live through this bullshit.

////////

I'm thinking of just running away. Not seriously, of course. But at night I'll just leave a note at my bed, maybe even make it a fake suicide note just to fuck with them, and walk off with my backpack, laptop, and some other stuff. I'll just...walk. I don't intend on becoming a homeless vagrant, but I have to get the fuck out of this house before I just fucking lose it and break down. Maybe then they'll realize just how fucked up I am. Maybe this'll make them hate me even more. I dunno. I don't fucking care. I don't care about anything anymore. Life for me at this point is nothing but dull pain and hollow suffering punctuated by flashes of minor enjoyment that leave me like an addict chasing a high.

I don't give a fuck. Wish I had a place to crash at, though. I don't fancy sleeping on the street, but maybe I can sleep at my school grounds? I only have enough cash for a few days but they'll probably find me by then.

[Imralu]

Last night, the front page of the newspapers here is about a 20-year-old woman who got pushed in front of the U-Bahn by a guy who didn't know her. Yesterday, one of my best friends went to court because, last year, some random guy tried and nearly succeeded in shoving her in front of the U-Bahn (different station but same line). I nearly started crying on the street thinking about how close I came to losing my friend a few months ago and seeing a picture of a body bag being taken away on a stretcher was really upsetting. I don't know how my friend went in court today. I'm hopefully catching up with her tomorrow. I'm hoping the timing of this other case results in the law taking it more seriously and justice coming down harder on my friend's attacker. People who try to push strangers in front of trains (or who succeed) need to be locked away until they're too weak to push their own wheelchair.

Chagen, I've been reading your posts and just want to say that it's not forever. One day, you'll be away from them and you can really stick it to them and go no contact if you like. Then you can just work on being the best, happiest version of yourself and they won't be able to do a thing about it. I know that's all just far away dreams where you are, but dreams kept me going when there was nothing else. I made it to Berlin. Haven't spoken to my dad in over a year now. Fixing myself and finally starting to feel positive. I've got some seriously amazing friends now and when I was younger, I was in a different version of where you are. It gets better. I'm not downplaying how hard it is for you now though. It sounds pretty fucked. I wish you strength and I'm rooting for you. (In my dialect that means I'm having sex for you, which I am not, I meant what I think that means in the dialect I assume you speak... Fuck, this is what happens when empathy is shown on a nerdy linguist forum.)

(PS. I'm also not bothered if you don't acknowledge this post at all. No pressure, no expectations, no judgement. Just want to make that clear. I suspect you read these posts and I only hope my words make you feel even a little bit better and not worse. Hang in there. Be kind to yourself and know that I am doing the finger at your parents as I soon as I stop typing this. Fuck 'em! You'll be great in spite of them one day. )

[jal]

I managed to talk with the Financial Services and get a plan to pay off the money with much more ease, through a multi-payment installment plan. However, upon telling this to my mom, she launched into psychotic paranoia and insisted that the school is lying and that she already paid what we owe.

Just to let you know I think you did the right thing, and given your current mental state, I think it should count as a big victory you managed to talk to them. Also, being fucked up doesn't sound like your fault, given the way your parents act.


JAL

[Chagen]

I'm really sorry that I don't reply to your posts often, guys. I have non-existent social skills and even online I find it hard to continue conversations, and I'm honestly just unsure what to say in response. A simple "thanks" feels so weak and disrespectful, but I'm slowly getting better at talking to others, I think...I'm a very shy person. You might have noticed that I rarely comment on other people's threads. That's the reason why. I am much more of a lurker. It's the same in real life. I don't talk much to people, but once you do get me talking, I can talk up a storm.

But thanks.

My mom apologized yesterday. But I don't know if she's sincerely sorry or if she's just being manipulative.

[jal]

I'm really sorry that I don't reply to your posts often, guys. (...) But thanks.

No worries, it's optional. I'd be glad if you at least read what we write, even if you think it's crap :). (But I of course hope it isn't.)


JAL

[Imralu]

I'm really sorry that I don't reply to your posts often, guys. I have non-existent social skills and even online I find it hard to continue conversations, and I'm honestly just unsure what to say in response. A simple "thanks" feels so weak and disrespectful, but I'm slowly getting better at talking to others, I think...I'm a very shy person. You might have noticed that I rarely comment on other people's threads. That's the reason why. I am much more of a lurker. It's the same in real life. I don't talk much to people, but once you do get me talking, I can talk up a storm.

No need to apologise, really. There are reasons people don't write back and since you said this is really where you can share, I was hardly picturing you reading responses at your computer going "Pfft. Whatever. Don't care!"

I had the same thing with" thanks" (fuck you, SwiftKey, that's not how quotation marks work!). If someone did something nice for me that I couldn't reciprocate, something that made me feel guilty and inadequate, saying thanks just felt like I had expected it, like people are my servants. Instead I always just tried to show my surprise at their consideration, which generally didn't come across so well and I got shouted at by my mum for being ungrateful once. I wasn't ungrateful, I was so grateful I felt guilty and indebted and I didn't know how to express it

[Imralu]

I'm getting a little bit concerned about a habit I'm finding hard to break. I have quite a huge beard at the moment, and in the last couple of weeks, I've started pulling hairs out of it. I know, from the past, that pulling out the healthy hairs hurts, but now something is different - my hairs are either suddenly looser and come out much more easily or my sensation of the pain is different ... I actually like it now. It's kind of soothing in a way, better than popping bubble wrap. When I'm not really paying attention, I'm pulling hairs out, sometimes individually, sometimes in groups of four or five. It kind of feels satisfying and it's hard to break the habit because it's mostly subconscious, when I'm not paying attention. I don't want my beard to get scraggly, but what's more concerning me is that this is kind of a self-harming behaviour, like bored or traumatised parrots that pluck themselves, and the fact that I like the feeling is a bit weird. I just tried pinching myself and I really don't seem to be feeling as much as I used to. At least the pinching didn't feel actually good.

I'm wondering if it's got anything to do with my antidepressants - the last time I was on them, I had to have a cyst cut out of my neck and squeezed very roughly every couple of days, and I was able to kind of overanalyse the pain away so that I didn't even feel it anymore. The nurses dealing with me were really impressed with my ability to handle the pain. I would talk to my doctor about it but it's a long complicated procedure to go and see him and in the end, I don't like him and don't feel I could really talk to him about this without just being patronised, or, at the most extreme, we might change my medication, which will be a long, shitty process, and the medication is working - and reduced sensitivity to pain is not really a bad thing as long as I can avoid injuring myself, so I guess I'll just try to work on stopping myself from doing plucking every time I notice it, and hopefully, I will be successful.

Really quite a small vent - not a huge deal - but I wanted to write it down to give myself more impetus to work on it.

[jmcd]

When I get the urge to play with my beard or moustache, I just shave them off and start again.

[alynnidalar]

I'm somewhat similar with skin picking around my fingernails... I sometimes will do it until I bleed, although I try to make myself stop before I get to that point, with varying success. I've done it so much and for so long that my pain response is a lot lower now.

I was really proud a couple years back when I finally stopped biting my nails (by keeping nail clippers handy, and every time I had the compulsion to nibble down a rough spot or whatever, I'd use my nail clippers instead), but I haven't been able to break the skin picking habit. It's the same sort of thing as with the beard pulling, it's vaguely soothing and it keeps my hands occupied, but also is something I don't think I want to do and I definitely don't want to get any worse.

I dunno... I've read a million things about how to stop doing it, but nothing seems to work for me. I guess maybe on a certain level I don't actually want to stop, because it's somewhat enjoyable? It gets much worse in the winter when my skin is dry, too; in fact, right now as I'm typing a spot on my thumb is hurting a little bit when it hits the keys.

[jal]

Google tells me it's called trichotillomania (picking hairs) and dermatillomania (picking skin), respectively. There's a name for everything... Well, at least you're not alone guys...


JAL

[Viktor77]

I do have a bit of a rant actually. I met a guy here with whom I have conversation tables. His English is pretty low and the tables are difficult, but that's not the rant. Yesterday he asked me to look over a French to English translation of 2 pages he did so I said sure. I'm always happy to help. I began reading it, a technical text, and after the first paragraph I had a completely quizzical look on my face. I couldn't make heads or tails of any of it. Nothing made sense. Eventually I just underlined whole sentences and put comments with "Doesn't make sense" next to it. Out of curiosity I glanced at the original text and found it completely readable and clear. I told him this and then he proceeds to tell me that he got tired of translating it and just used Google Translate. So he Google Translated a document and then asked someone to look it over? Needless to say I found that entirely inappropriate and I told him to redo the whole thing himself. I don't know on what planet one would think such a thing is acceptable. He's from French-speaking Africa, so perhaps there they have different ethics on these things, I don't know. But I was none too pleased. I love helping, but I only help those who do their own work.

[linguoboy]

Is this seriously the first time someone's asked you to check their translation and you find out it's been partly Google Translated? You don't have to be from any particular part of the world to think that's acceptable (or from a particular age group either, before someone gets the idea to start dicking on "Millennials" or whoever).

[Viktor77]

Is this seriously the first time someone's asked you to check their translation and you find out it's been partly Google Translated? You don't have to be from any particular part of the world to think that's acceptable (or from a particular age group either, before someone gets the idea to start dicking on "Millennials" or whoever).

I had two students last year turn in Google Translated papers but both were from China and it was established in our department that there was an issue with Chinese students plagiarizing because of some sort of cross-cultural miscommunication where they didn't understand the severity of plagiarism in the Western World. So I relegated that to both laziness on the part of the students and a cross-cultural misunderstanding of the severity of plagiarism in the Western World. But that was different. I've never been asked to blatantly correct something put through Google Translate. I just can't see how anyone could find that acceptable no matter the culture.

[Hydroeccentricity]

I've heard this "cross cultural misunderstanding" thing many times, but having never studied in China... is that real? I can't imagine a Chinese professor worth a damn accepting plagiarised work from a student. What is the student supposed to be learning? Sounds to me like less of a cultural misunderstanding and just a lower likelihood of getting caught for whatever reason.