Venting thread that still excludes eddy (2)

[Chagen]

Thank you for the replies guys. I was so deeply embarassed after making that post I hid from this forum for a few days.

Anyway, my overall point wasn't just "I'm fapping to fictional women, fuck", but really that I find myself desperately craving affection and a relationship. I have always considered myself asocial, but I'm not really. I still deeply want to be in a relationship, but with my awful social skills, laundry list of hangups and paraphilias, and unattractive traits (I'm not bad-looking, but depression fucks up my hygiene, I have no car, no job, live with my parents, etc.) mean it's basically impossible to actually find a relationship. This desire expresses itself in the affectionate and happy undertones of my sexual fantasies. They are as much about the affectionate and romantic aspects of sex as they are the base, raw, and physical aspects.

My family situation is very screwed up. Both of my parents legitimately love me, but they have a mile-long list of hangups, weird beliefs, and overall shittiness that dampens the whole thing. I don't really recieve any kind of familial affection from my parents. I never really have. Their love has always been distant and materialistic. Their awful relationship with each other means I'm a weapon to use against the other--"[Chagen] is a lonely nerd because you never took him anywhere!", etc.

My father is a hardcore Christian Conservative stuck in a shitty job who does nothing but complain about how his wife and son are useless freeloaders, wax poetical about how he fucked up in life, and who therefore hold me to impossible standards. He doesn't listen to anyone opinion's but his own, and carries the largest martyr complex ever mixed with odious narcissism. Anytime I try to point holes in his insane GOP logic, he just gish gallops me and patronizingly calls me a "dumb teenager who'll grow out of it".

My mother is a...I don't even know. Her personal philosophy and beliefs are so mind-boggingly incoherent I'm pretty sure she's mentally ill. Nothing about her makes any sense. She's also a complete alcoholic and controlling narcissist who has no problem inconveniencing everyone else and abusively forcing others to do stuff for her. If she wants something, she'll treat everyone like shit and start fights until me and my father just break and do it to get her to shut up. She never learns. Trying to debate with her is impossible.

I cannot remember the last time my family had a legitimate moment of storge. Even when we do stuff together, it's an outlier--the result of all of us willingly trying not to wreck anything. My parents will go to the ends of the Earth to get in to a screaming fight. They don't even realize it. My mom will do things solely to start shit. They don't even have another purpose. She just hates my dad that much, that she will ask him to come along to stuff and then intentionally wreck the event just to shit all over him. And then get mad him for ruining the event when she started literally everything.

I've given up trying to talk with them. They just don't listen. I just lock myself in my room and remain there as much as possible. Neither of them knows that I'm bisexual, for instance. Nobody in my family does.

They're always like "whyyyyy do you never talk to us, or tell us about your classes, or do stuff with us?! Why are you so rude and selfish!?" and I'm like...why? Why should I talk with you, when it usually just ends up in you belittling me or making me feel worse or completely ignoring everything about me so you can chastise me based on a complete fucking strawman you built in your mind!?

This is why I crave affection so much. I have only experienced rare glimpses of it. Remember in the previous post, where I talked about that girl hugging me? That was a more caring action than anything my parents have ever done to me. My parents would often ask that I hug them, and I did, but it was always robotic and distant. That girl's warmth was truly wonderful, and I have never experienced it again.

And I find myself endlessly unsatisfied by my fantasies and porn. No matter how I view it, it's not real. It's just not the same. I want to do these things with a real goddamn person, who actually exists. Not just wank endlessly to pictures.

Moving on from that: I haven't mentioned it here, but I am trying to become an artist now. I am at the absolute bottom tier of skill--I can't draw a circle correctly, much less an actual PERSON, but I am trying to practice. I had a four-day dry spell, but I really want to focus now. It's a very odd feeling--the feeling of learning something. For the past few months I have been incredibly depressed and near-suicidal. Every day felt the same. Like I was just going through the motions, not really "alive" in any true philosophical sense. There's more to being alive than just being sentient and not dead. You have to be alive--experiencing and living through new events and things. I hadn't been feeling that for a while, but art does that for me. I am learning something new. I'm terrible, I know. But I have something to look forward to. I want to become an artist who can match up to best in Japan--I want to make my own comics, tell my stories through visual media, and draw a shitload of porn. That's a goal. Something I've been missing for a while. It will take forever to reach it, but it's something to look forward to. I'm glad I took up this hobby.

[din]

Really to keep the hobby going. Maybe set an easy to achieve minimum (number of drawings per week) or talk to someone else about it (online or offline) so that you have some reason to keep it going. Maybe join a forum or something.

I didn't really have any hobby or strong interest to spend free time on for quite a while, because I got a knee injury and couldn't continue playing soccer, which was something I really enjoyed. I knew this was something that was missing from my life, and I knew I would be a lot happier if I had something to work on.

I've been getting (back) into photography lately, and I'm trying to be serious about it. I'm by no means a pro, but just having a place to put my photos (besides Facebook) has motivated me tremendously, so now I have a reason to leave the house on a day off, go for a long walk and edit photos at night. No one expects me to take photos, of course, but just having some sort of regularity (and even some praise) is a great motivator, and it has definitely given a purpose to my free time.

It's really easy to give up on things, though, even without intending to. Even on things you actually enjoy. So try to be aware of that, before it actually happens.

[Salmoneus]

I've just been watching youtube videos, randomly crying.

Yeah, but Republican Primary Season is always like that. It'll be over soon...



Koko: i Am Not A Doctor, but unless you've actually gouged out huge chunks of flesh, I wouldn't worry about long-term scarring. People are really good at outgrowing scars, particularly if you're still young. I had a couple of not-disfiguring-but-really-noticeable-at-the-time scars when I was younger, which have now either disappeared or only-visible-if-you-know-what-you're-looking-for-'d.

[Koko]

Thanks Salmoneus, that's actually really reassuring ^^ Though it still kinda sucks presently

[Vijay]

Chagen, FWIW, I can relate to your difficulties with your family right now. I used to get along great with my dad but not really anymore, and I never really got along with my mom. I don't tell them what I'm doing these days, either, because I find that the less they know, the better. If they know exactly what I'm doing, then they know exactly what they think they should criticize about it. If they don't, then at most they can only vaguely criticize me because they think I'm fucking up my whole life without actually having anything concrete to go on.

[Viktor77]

Really to keep the hobby going. Maybe set an easy to achieve minimum (number of drawings per week) or talk to someone else about it (online or offline) so that you have some reason to keep it going. Maybe join a forum or something.

I didn't really have any hobby or strong interest to spend free time on for quite a while, because I got a knee injury and couldn't continue playing soccer, which was something I really enjoyed. I knew this was something that was missing from my life, and I knew I would be a lot happier if I had something to work on.

I've been getting (back) into photography lately, and I'm trying to be serious about it. I'm by no means a pro, but just having a place to put my photos (besides Facebook) has motivated me tremendously, so now I have a reason to leave the house on a day off, go for a long walk and edit photos at night. No one expects me to take photos, of course, but just having some sort of regularity (and even some praise) is a great motivator, and it has definitely given a purpose to my free time.

It's really easy to give up on things, though, even without intending to. Even on things you actually enjoy. So try to be aware of that, before it actually happens.

I'd like to see your photos. Do you have a Flickr? I always thought we should do a photography session together. You took great photos the last time we did that.

I write here a lot but I'm looking for some quick advice. I feel as if I have reached a plateau in my French learning, which according to research tends to happen at this point when studying abroad. I can get by in French fairly well and I'm for the most part pretty content with my level, but I need to overcome this plateau and reach a level even higher. Part of me thinks it's because I've divided my attention by learning Dutch and German too but I've read that it's less about time spent with the language as it is about how that time is spent. So with that said, assuming I can continue to learn 2 languages and increase my fluency in French, what advice do you have for overcoming a plateau? What did you all do?

[din]

I'd like to see your photos. Do you have a Flickr?

I prefer 500px to Flickr. I've got a handful of photos on there:

https://500px.com/nielsneuteboom

[Vijay]

So with that said, assuming I can continue to learn 2 languages and increase my fluency in French, what advice do you have for overcoming a plateau? What did you all do?

Read stuff in the language(s) in question.

[jal]

I feel as if I have reached a plateau in my French learning, which according to research tends to happen at this point when studying abroad.

Really? I've always figured you just get increasingly better, until you're fluent. Unfortunately I can't help you with this, I've never lived abroad.

I'm still feeling ill. It's probably the flue or the like, at least it's not a bronchitis, as the doctor examined.


JAL

[jal]

I prefer 500px to Flickr. I've got a handful of photos on there

Yeah, 500px is a cool site. Beautiful pictures btw! I'm not a photographer myself, so I can't judge it on merits, but I love the compositions.


JAL

[finlay]

Chagen, if you want a relationship that badly, the key is to work on your social skills, then. I don't know you, but it sounds like you don't need a relationship so much as friendships. Of course, you're horny (we all are) and a relationship will be a bonus, but I think you should focus on making more lasting friendships - this will give you an outlet away from your parents, for one thing. It will help you build up your confidence to make more friendships. Relationships are after all, friendships that become sexual. With the possible exception of online dating, it's rare to get into one without first making friends.

Also, depression sucks, but force yourself to take a shower and brush your teeth, all that stuff.

And it sounds like your parents are worried about you, especially as you're obviously depressed. They may not have the awareness to know exactly what's up, yes, and they sound like shitty people, yes, but I think you shutting them out won't help in the long run with the way they treat you.

[din]

I prefer 500px to Flickr. I've got a handful of photos on there

Yeah, 500px is a cool site. Beautiful pictures btw! I'm not a photographer myself, so I can't judge it on merits, but I love the compositions.


JAL

Thanks!

It's not very important, in the end, if a photo is well executed from a technical point of view. That's only important to the photographer, as it might make his photos better. If you like the end result, that's what matters to me

Hope you feel better, soon. Everyone at university seems to be sick. Some classes sound more like quarantine zones. I hope I don't/didn't catch anything, but I've been feeling a little tired all day, despite getting 9 hours of sleep, so we'll see...

[Viktor77]

I feel as if I have reached a plateau in my French learning, which according to research tends to happen at this point when studying abroad.

Really? I've always figured you just get increasingly better, until you're fluent. Unfortunately I can't help you with this, I've never lived abroad.

First, hope you feel better soon.

Second, from what I've read while perhaps there is no completely flat plateau, language learning tends to follow the pattern of an exponential curve so you learn a lot in the beginning then it slows down considerably. The plateau would thus be related to the slope of such a curve, where a low slope would mean that, while you are learning, your progression is very little, however usually consistent just taking a long time to reach each new level. That's a bit how I feel right now. When I arrived here I learned a ton, my fluency started to come, but now I've hit the "plateau" and what I don't know is if one can overcome this at all, it following an exponential curve after all. This might be one reason many people don't go beyond conversancy in a foreign language. But perhaps there is a way to overcome the low slope of the curve in a short amount of time.

To Din, I love the horse photo!!

[Vijay]

From experience, the way I personally see it working is basically just that the higher your proficiency in a language gets, the harder it is to find new stuff to learn. When you're just starting out, the question of what to learn is relatively easy to resolve; you'll take anything. (Figuring out where to even start can be a different story). But then once you learn some stuff, where do you go from there? That can be a much harder problem to figure out, because the materials that are available for learning a language do not all assume the same progression; after all, people learn differently, and there is no single path towards the end goal (and for that matter, there is no single end goal, either. And of course there's an additional problem if resources are just not available...).

[zompist]

As you're actually in a francophone country, Viktor, I'd focus on what you can't easily do back home: talking and listening. Hang out with French-speaking friends and colleagues, if you can. If not, watch a lot of movies.

I think even a French teacher can fall into the trap students of French do: engaging primarily with outmoded written French. Can you easily understand French magazines, BDs, talk shows, and novels published in the last 20 years?

[zompist]

Chagen, just wanted to say, there are a lot more people like you than you suspect. One of the side effects of depression is that you feel more unacceptable than you really are.

Also, keep up the art! A site I recently discovered is http://drawabox.com ; see if that helps.

[Vijay]

Chagen, just wanted to say, there are a lot more people like you than you suspect.

Yes, as a matter of fact, I can relate to more of what Chagen's been talking about than I would have ever guessed.

[Viktor77]

From experience, the way I personally see it working is basically just that the higher your proficiency in a language gets, the harder it is to find new stuff to learn. When you're just starting out, the question of what to learn is relatively easy to resolve; you'll take anything. (Figuring out where to even start can be a different story). But then once you learn some stuff, where do you go from there? That can be a much harder problem to figure out, because the materials that are available for learning a language do not all assume the same progression; after all, people learn differently, and there is no single path towards the end goal (and for that matter, there is no single end goal, either. And of course there's an additional problem if resources are just not available...).

Yes I would agree. This is why I only use authentic materials.

As you're actually in a francophone country, Viktor, I'd focus on what you can't easily do back home: talking and listening. Hang out with French-speaking friends and colleagues, if you can. If not, watch a lot of movies.

I think even a French teacher can fall into the trap students of French do: engaging primarily with outmoded written French. Can you easily understand French magazines, BDs, talk shows, and novels published in the last 20 years?

I have no problem picking up a newspaper, BD, and even turning on a talk show and understanding most of it. I hang out with friends and colleagues and I continue to do so. What I need to do though is move beyond conversational French to something more elevated. For example, I have mastered circumlocution but I need to master more specific vocabulary so instead of relying on say more simpler phrases/vocab I can rely on more complex phrases/vocab so what I might say as On verra s'il peut devenir le meilleure could rather be said as On verra s'il s'avère le meilleure. That's where I feel I have plateau'd. In that I need to increase the idiomaticity and the variety/specificity of my speech.

[Chagen]

Chagen, if you want a relationship that badly, the key is to work on your social skills, then. I don't know you, but it sounds like you don't need a relationship so much as friendships. Of course, you're horny (we all are) and a relationship will be a bonus, but I think you should focus on making more lasting friendships - this will give you an outlet away from your parents, for one thing. It will help you build up your confidence to make more friendships. Relationships are after all, friendships that become sexual. With the possible exception of online dating, it's rare to get into one without first making friends.

Also, depression sucks, but force yourself to take a shower and brush your teeth, all that stuff.

And it sounds like your parents are worried about you, especially as you're obviously depressed. They may not have the awareness to know exactly what's up, yes, and they sound like shitty people, yes, but I think you shutting them out won't help in the long run with the way they treat you.

I really don't mean to go off on you but...I know, dude. I know that the key is getting more friendships and relationships. But it's hard for me. You're effectively going to a person in a wheelchair and saying "just get up and walk dude lol".

My social skills are really shitty. I overreact to everything. I find the simple act of going up to people and talking to them to be paralyzing. I'm always unnerved in conversations because I never am quite sure how the other person will react. I often say the wrong things, or act weird. Once I have actually surmounted this near-impossible slope, I can actually have a lot of fun with people, but it's so hard I rarely ever do it.

I always have the nagging feeling that I'm wasting people's time, and expect rejection. I've learned to just avoid people for that reason. It stems from elementary school, where I was bullied mercilessly by the students and teachers alike and was rejected by everyone. They didn't beat me up or pants me. No, they psychologically bullied me. They cast me away from everything, didn't talk to me at all, and ostracized me like I was a quarantine patient. I was that weird nerd everyone would only to talk to bully. I was the punching bag of those kids.

They would pretend it's opposite day and make fun of everything I said by interpreting it in the opposite way. They would do things like get a guy to bring flowers to me and bully me with homophobic remarks when I blushed (this was long before I knew I was bisexual). They would speak to me in Spanish and make fun of me when I didn't know how to respond (I live in a Hispanic-dominated area). During gym I was always picked last (I just sat out anyway). They would make shit up to the teachers to get in me trouble. It was so bad my mom would come pick me up every day early from school through forged doctor's notes just because it was having a serious detrimental effect on my psyche. I turned from a happy young boy to a reclusive and friendless shut-in. My parents fucking moved just to get me out of that school district!

The teachers wouldn't do shit. They were just as bad. They always took the side of the other kids. One of them called me a retard and wanted to put me in special ed just because I didn't like her. No shit I didn't like you you fucking cunt, you treated me like shit!

One of them was this really attractive blond white woman. She was the worst. My sexuality was beginning at the time so I remember simultaneously hating her and wanting to fuck her. Fucking bitch.

Fuck those kids. To this day I still wish I could go to them and fucking beat the shit out of them. I'm not even going to sugar-coat it. They fucked up my life and my psyche permanently, and they were just a bunch of fucking grade-schoolers who had no idea just how damaging their bullshit was. Kids are cruel, indeed. Add "heartless" and "psychopathic" to that.

My dad was raised Catholic so he sent me to a private Catholic middle school. I connected with no one there and the entire place was weirdly run-down. Everyone there was so boring and brainwashed by religion. Eventually I was expelled halfway through my seventh-grade year. My dad gave up and my mom decided to send me to retake 7th grade at a nearby public school (I entered school a year early, so this didn't make me drop behind or anything). I was honestly shocked at how different and interesting the people were. I met my first friend there. Not my first school friend. My first friend ever.

13 fucking years. 13 fucking years of no positive social contact outside of my parents. Literally none. You know what that does to a person's psyche? It doesn't do any good, let me tell you that.

Anyway, in high school I actually gained a minor social life. My friend introduced me to his friends, and I met the nerdy anime-fan clique at my school. We would hang out in the west wing in front of the library before school every day. Everyone liked me.

Then I went to college, and I lost contact with all of them except for my original friend. And we're breaking apart as well.

I don't know what to do. I have no social skills and everyone seems set in stone on their acquaintances. What do I provide? Who fucking cares about me? I can't even talk to anyone without falling apart into an autistic mess.

I don't really like Deathcore, but I follow the Hardcore label Tragic Hero Records and a song they recently posted, Blackwater by In Dying Arms, is an accurate representation of my life right now:

I ask myself every night is it okay if I die? And tell nobody
Nobody cares
Nobody loves
And I leave a note who really gives a fuck?
...
I feel like I'm drowning
These thoughts overpowering me
Tearing me apart
This fear overtakes me
It's starting to break me down
Tearing me apart

Add Distance and Onyx, by The Afterimage, a band I am currently in absolute love with to that:

What will it take for my voice to be heard again?
What will it take for my life to mean something?
What will it take?
What will it take?
What will it take for my voice to be heard again?
What will it take? What will it take for my life to mean something?

And I wished that I could have been honest, now that so many years have gone past
my tread will carry on, you are all I see.

Visibly not a better me and I felt as if nothing was concrete
And I hate that I see things this way
(See things this way)
(Chorus)

And I wished that I could have been honest, now that so many years have gone past
My tread will carry on, you are all I see
For so long I couldn’t move on without failure paving my way
My tread will carry on, you are all I see...

Unassuming truths become remedial for shades of devotion,
I know, since my soul is on display for nothing but scrutiny

Stare in my direction and catch a glimpse of who I'm becoming
While the world loses its colour by the rain
I'm finding myself to be completely desaturated, adhering to pointless endeavors

I'm finding myself to be completely desaturated, adhering to pointless endeavors
I am wandering, I'm not following
(I am wandering)
I am wandering never following
I am wandering, I am not following

My thoughts are perpetuating into an infinite sequence, and in turn I'm unable to utter a single word with confidence
I'm losing passion, lacking feeling
Fading colours, from a deep red to a dismal grey

I am everyone, yet no one at the same time
I passage through channels toward my own lifetime, recognizing I'll never be conscious again

I am unhealthily in love with Kyle Anderson's voice. Please serenade me more and let me cry about how you'll never love me because we're both guys...ugh

Jesus, am I a guy or a 16-year-old fangirl blogging about her latest musical crush and reposting lyrics that "totally speak to me OMG"?

[finlay]

as I say, I don't know you really. I don't know if you really know that - you didn't indicate so in your post before.

so it's difficult. that doesn't mean it's impossible - you make accommodations for your ability. After all, you don't have to walk if you have a wheelchair. What is the wheelchair in this metaphor? What is your mobility aid? You see, I don't see this as going up to someone in a wheelchair, I see this as going up to you and telling you you should get a wheelchair because you need one. Again, maybe I'm speaking out of turn but all I have is what you post on here, and I don't think you will be stuck in your current situation forever either way, but I think you can make concrete steps to get out of it, however small or insignificant they may seem now.

Basically, what can you do? Maybe contact your friend, if you've been drifting apart.

My point is I think you're focusing on relationships too hard, and that will push your mood down further, since that seems unattainable. But it's not unattainable, it just can't be attained right now.

[Chagen]

I'm sorry for going off on you. You're right: there really was no way you could have known about my past life. And my wheelchair metaphor was not the best.

I just...don't know where to start. I've lived my life as this asocial nerd for so long I legitimately don't know how to even start being social.

[Imralu]

Thank you for the replies guys. I was so deeply embarassed after making that post I hid from this forum for a few days.

No need, really. As long as the conversation doesn't get needlessly explicit, there's no reason not to talk about sex and sexuality.

Finlay's right about friendships. I know it's really hard though when socialising is hard. I used to be so terrified of going to parties when I was a teenager because, the second I was standing there and no one was talking to me, I felt like everyone hated me. I don't know how I got over that ... just a lot of time, I guess. I remember I left a party and walked away and ended up crying in a park once and looking back now, it's not like people could have hated me - I only knew two people at that party - they had invited me, and I hadn't spoken to anyone else, really. Your brain learns to expect that people will treat you in a certain way and, basically, few situations are as shitty as school. In the adult world, there tends to be less bullying because mostly, you're not stuck in the same space as a whole bunch of people who don't want to be there and who are trying to prove something to everyone around them. Some workplaces can be toxic, but mostly, adult interactions are better. Gradually you'll become less afraid of social interactions. Social skills are not the be-all-and-end-all ... as long as you're not eating boogers and rubbing your crotch on people, there are people out there who don't really care. It might be hard to find them quickly though.

Last night, I saw a group of my friends and people were a bit touchy with me because I've finally cut all my hair off and trimmed by beard, so I was getting lots of head-scratches and things like that and I was just putting my friend's hands on my head and getting her to rub my head because I just want physical contact. It was really nice, even if it was platonic and even if it was a bit funny to keep putting her hand on my head whenever she took it off. It's just fuelling the jokes that I'm a cat and I'm OK with that.

I'm going to get back to earlier ... I wrote a reply to your earlier message but kept falling asleep. I'm having real trouble staying awake at the moment. Basically, my way of replying, now that I re-read it is like "Oh, I completely get your situation" and then compare it to my own, so please take it with a grain of salt. I know our situations are different and I don't want to pretend that I completely understand your situation because that's patronising as fuck ...
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

Anyway, my overall point wasn't just "I'm fapping to fictional women, fuck", but really that I find myself desperately craving affection and a relationship. I have always considered myself asocial, but I'm not really. I still deeply want to be in a relationship, but with my awful social skills, laundry list of hangups and paraphilias, and unattractive traits (I'm not bad-looking, but depression fucks up my hygiene, I have no car, no job, live with my parents, etc.) mean it's basically impossible to actually find a relationship. This desire expresses itself in the affectionate and happy undertones of my sexual fantasies. They are as much about the affectionate and romantic aspects of sex as they are the base, raw, and physical aspects.

I get it. I'm at this point myself. The only difference is I don't live with my parents. I don't generally have awful social skills these days, except one thing I'm really struggling with is not pushing people away. I have a trashpile in my room that's so bad I feel horrible when either of my flatmates even sees into my room. I just want someone to hold me. I want to be able to go to someone's house and just fall asleep in bed together and cuddle.. I find myself shouting "fuck off" in my head whenever I see a couple in public together ... which is an issue because I hate being negative like that.

Your parents sound really fucking horrible.

My father is a hardcore Christian Conservative stuck in a shitty job who does nothing but complain about how his wife and son are useless freeloaders,

How Christian!

This is why I crave affection so much. I have only experienced rare glimpses of it. Remember in the previous post, where I talked about that girl hugging me? That was a more caring action than anything my parents have ever done to me. My parents would often ask that I hug them, and I did, but it was always robotic and distant. That girl's warmth was truly wonderful, and I have never experienced it again.

I don't really remember that much of my childhood these days, but my mum was always warm. Crazy, damaged, vulnerable and needy, but still very warm. I don't really remember her hugging me very much though. I remember when I went to university and had female friends for the first time (I had gone to an all-boys Catholic school) and this hugging thing was really a bit too intense for me. I wasn't really comfortable with someone touching me but I was so happy that people seemed to like me (after a lot of stuff that happened in high school, I was pretty sure I was not likable at all) and over time, I guess I started to like it. Back then, I used to have these kind of fantasies of having a boyfriend, but it was more about there being someone who I felt understood me than anything sexual or even affectionate.

In the last few years I was living in Australia, whenever I visited my parents, I would hug my mum and she'd ask me to hug my dad in such a way that it would scare him a bit and remind him how much bigger and stronger than him I am. I tower over my dad and I'd hug him a bit too tight but act like I wasn't doing it on purpose, like it's just a consequence of my size. I told him at a few points, if he ever hurt my mum again I'd break him, but always managed to make it seem light-hearted. It's really a bit fucked up. isn't it?

And I find myself endlessly unsatisfied by my fantasies and porn. No matter how I view it, it's not real. It's just not the same. I want to do these things with a real goddamn person, who actually exists. Not just wank endlessly to pictures.

I had a relationship for 3.5 years. All we ever did was masturbate side by side ... he occasionally tried to give me oral sex but it never worked. His hands didn't work on me and I never touched him. I was always trying to block the situation out of my head. I really just wanted to masturbate alone but, like, you can't say that in a relationship, right? I couldn't even think that to myself really because I felt like a loser.

Moving on from that: I haven't mentioned it here, but I am trying to become an artist now. [...] I'm glad I took up this hobby.

This is so great! I'm sick of hearing people say "I'm terrible at drawing" and just not try. Everyone sucks in the beginning. You have to learn it. You should get a deviantart profile. Maybe there's a better platform out there, but people seem to give each other feedback on their work and you'll probably chat to people who will keep you inspired.

[Vijay]

Chagen, I have trouble getting started with meeting people and making friends, too. I did meet like 2-3 people once each, but that's it. One of those people isn't even in this country anymore, and another may or may not be in town. And it probably doesn't help that I have tons of ways of keeping myself busy as it is.

[finlay]

I'm sorry for going off on you. You're right: there really was no way you could have known about my past life. And my wheelchair metaphor was not the best.

I just...don't know where to start. I've lived my life as this asocial nerd for so long I legitimately don't know how to even start being social.

it's okay man, your feelings are valid~

Yeah, that can be a problem. I've found that clubs are a good way to break the ice. You're still at college, right? Ignoring the depression and family problems you have at the moment, I think you could easily find a club you might be interested in. But don't launch yourself into it too fully – and you can always find a club you like and email the leader and explain the situation, and ease yourself into it, like going along to a game night or anime club or something. If they're not a shitty person (but in my experience most people aren't!), they'll try to accommodate you.

As for my situation, right now my only friends are work people and people from an LGBT club (more women than men at the moment as it turns out). I met a few people from going to a bar a few years ago, when I first came to Japan and didn't know anyone, and I met my boyfriend on Gaydar or Grindr, along with a couple of one-night stands and a few people I met up with but didn't click with – those are things I was able to do in Tokyo, but not in the UK for a few reasons, mainly to do with confidence. I've gotten too comfortable now, though, to bother going outside my comfort zone to make more friends again, which is annoying, because one of my best friends just announced he's leaving next week, suddenly, and one of my other best friends already left last year. A lot of my work is making small talk with my students, which means that I'm not in the mood for doing that in the evenings!

[jal]

From experience, the way I personally see it working is basically just that the higher your proficiency in a language gets, the harder it is to find new stuff to learn.

This. I take it you have all the grammar down already (is there such a thing as "obscure grammar"?) but perhaps only 10% of the vocabulary (the part that is used often). As others said, reading will do you good with regards to increasing your vocab.

I'm feeling slightly better today. No fever dizziness yet. Coughing a lot still, though.

@Zomp: thanks for that drawing link. It looks cool.

EDIT: Didn't see there was a whole 'nother page, sorry.


JAL