Love Thread

[Gulliver]

He wants to keep his and I want to keep mine so either we compromise by changing neither or changing both.

So what's to discuss? You both want to keep your names, so don't change them.

We like the idea of sharing a surname, simply.

[Wattmann]

Add another one, simple.
Portugese have four entries in their names.

[Torco]

Add another one, simple.
Portugese have four entries in their names.

so do most people in the spanish world: name, second name, father's surname, mother's surname. some people even have more than two names. There's things like María Antonia del Carmen Pozo del Parrón

[Gulliver]

Add another one, simple.
Portugese have four entries in their names.

so do most people in the spanish world: name, second name, father's surname, mother's surname. some people even have more than two names. There's things like María Antonia del Carmen Pozo del Parrón

And it's common practice several languages to put the family name before the given name.

However, I am an English-speaking English person living in England. One surname is the norm, two surnames are an acceptable act of decadence or burden and three surnames are positively obscene.

[Shrdlu]

Gulliver, what's your opinion of the Dutch habit of putting small words inbetween. I think I have heard of guy named "van der dem Boom" or something similar.

[Bristel]

I'd say my "full Hispanic name" here, but that's awfully revealing, especially since many English language websites use mother's maiden name as a security question. (not that I use that in particular... heh heh)

[Shrdlu]

<Your name> Jésús Máríá Santa Domingo de la <something> y <something>?

[Bristel]

<Your name> Jésús Máríá Santa Domingo de la <something> y <something>?

Well, that's not my name at all.

I'm not Hispanic, but if I used the convention for my name, it would probably look something like:

Timothy Eve Ryan Hawk y Miller de Jésús... or some shit like that.

[Gulliver]

Gulliver, what's your opinion of the Dutch habit of putting small words inbetween. I think I have heard of guy named "van der dem Boom" or something similar.

Oh, they're fine. However, being Mr Faffington-Smythe-Warner is a bit too much.

[Shm Jay]

Well, why not Mr. Faffington de la Smythe y Warner?

[Gulliver]

Well, why not Mr. Faffington de la Smythe y Warner?

Because we have already decided on how our names will go... not to mention that they would be highly erroneous. One doesn't just simple invent a particule, it must be arrived at by accident of birth or adorned by a head of state.

Honestly, the riff-raff on the internet these days...

*rides off on his giant peacock made of gold to give cakes to the poor and wretched*

[Hokulani]

Well, I can say my relationship is officially on the rocks right now and is in very real danger of ending.

I spoke about what happened a few weeks ago regarding my current boyfriend and my former boss. Since then a life-changing event occured and I've been living with the bf for the past two weeks and going to counceling. We got into a fight today because he was annoyed that I was leaving dirty dishes out. I consider myself a fairly clean person and I told him a couple of dishes left out for a day are really not serious in the grand scheme of things. Its not like I'm leaving huge piles of crap everywhere. He said that I was disrespectful to him and his roommates and they expect more since they are providing me hospitality. I lost it because I went through a lot and for him to say that leaving a few unwashed plates and pans out is disrespectful while I am trying to come to terms with what happened and am worried for my life and emotional well-being really set me off. I told him to be a bit more understanding. He said he doesn't know what else to do, that he tried all he can to make me feel better by spending his money on Valentines day trips, dinner and gifts. That really offended me, to think that I will magically be better after a few fancy dinners and a trip out of L.A. Trauma like this takes a while to come to terms with and I doubt I'll ever really be the same. He said I shouldn't use what happened to me as an excuse since he was beaten as a child and I told him it wasn't the same. I told him that if this was the way he was feeling after only two weeks of this major event in my life that it was a good thing we were never going to get married and stormed out of the house and havent been back since.

The one thing I find difficult in relationships is this exact thing. When things got too difficult a lot of my bfs just walked out and left me to deal with it alone. Its so hard to find someone who you know will stick with you through thick and thin nowadays. I'm really contemplating on ending this current one since I really don't see any future of us together if this is how he reacts when I am severely distresed and in need of much more than chocolates and kisses.

[Astraios]

Tell him what you need. He's not a mind-reader, he probably thought that treating you to dinners and trips would help you feel better without knowing what you actually need.

Although if he's also saying things like "we expect xyz from you", then IMO you should leave him straightaway. People who say things like that are not good people to be with, fullstop.

[Salmoneus]

Well, I can say my relationship is officially on the rocks right now and is in very real danger of ending.

I spoke about what happened a few weeks ago regarding my current boyfriend and my former boss. Since then a life-changing event occured and I've been living with the bf for the past two weeks and going to counceling. We got into a fight today because he was annoyed that I was leaving dirty dishes out. I consider myself a fairly clean person and I told him a couple of dishes left out for a day are really not serious in the grand scheme of things. Its not like I'm leaving huge piles of crap everywhere. He said that I was disrespectful to him and his roommates and they expect more since they are providing me hospitality. I lost it because I went through a lot and for him to say that leaving a few unwashed plates and pans out is disrespectful while I am trying to come to terms with what happened and am worried for my life and emotional well-being really set me off. I told him to be a bit more understanding. He said he doesn't know what else to do, that he tried all he can to make me feel better by spending his money on Valentines day trips, dinner and gifts. That really offended me, to think that I will magically be better after a few fancy dinners and a trip out of L.A. Trauma like this takes a while to come to terms with and I doubt I'll ever really be the same. He said I shouldn't use what happened to me as an excuse since he was beaten as a child and I told him it wasn't the same. I told him that if this was the way he was feeling after only two weeks of this major event in my life that it was a good thing we were never going to get married and stormed out of the house and havent been back since.

The one thing I find difficult in relationships is this exact thing. When things got too difficult a lot of my bfs just walked out and left me to deal with it alone. Its so hard to find someone who you know will stick with you through thick and thin nowadays. I'm really contemplating on ending this current one since I really don't see any future of us together if this is how he reacts when I am severely distresed and in need of much more than chocolates and kisses.

That's not "this exact thing". He didn't walk out on you, you (quite literally!) walked out on him, and are now contemplating walking out on him more completely. That's kind of the opposite of him walking out on you. He's tried being supportive by pampering you, he's tried to create an empathic bond by opening up to you about the defining traumas of his life (and believe me, no matter how nonchalent he tries to be about it or how much he flaunts it, a child being beaten, particularly by someone in authority, is a life-changing event that is almost certainly very private, painful and important to him), and he's tried reasoning with you in an encouraging and supportive way (because, of course, whatever's happened to you you mustn't use it as an excuse - because if you decide that you can't be happy until a great tragedy has been healed or made up for, you'll never be happy; you have to get on with your life anyway. It's also certainly true that if you use victimhood as a club in every domestic fight ("how can you expect me to care about that? Don't you remember that X?" - "tell you what, how about YOU do that, given that I have to deal with X?" - "isn't X enough for me to endure? now you want me to put up with that as well?" etc), any relationship you may have will be doomed. Relationships require a degree of equality, and if one partner has a weapon so big that it ought to win every fight, they have to voluntarily put it down, because otherwise the other partner either always loses (and feels resentful and bitter) or else they see that coming and rebel against the expectation that they will surrender, and fail to respect the weapon. When things are so big that they overshadow daily life, they have to be taken out of the negotiations of daily life. Of course, that's not always easy, but otherwise you have no chance of finding happiness. You don't use it to get out of household chores, you have serious discussions about it - with your partner, friends, family, and if necessary a therapist. And unfortunately, that includes taking other people's opinions seriously).

Respectfully, whenever you talk about your private life, two patterns emerge - you demand a great deal from other people and often don't even consider their side of the argument; and when people fail to be, in your eyes, perfect, you reject them, and in many cases find their imperfection to be personally insulting or aggressive (which can require some elaborate contortions, as you demonstrate here: "you need to be more understanding" - "what more do you want me to do? I've lavished time and attention on you" - "oh, right, because being there for me is just MAGICALLY going to make me better!" - you're shifting the goalposts from "be understanding" to "make me magically better!" - nothing he can do can make you magically better, because he's not a wizard. An argument that is always applicable ("like THAT'S going to make me magically better!") must never be used, because otherwise he has no way to win, and you have no way to appreciate what he DOES do. You have to judge people against a realistic standard). In this particular case, we shouldn't lose sight of the fact that you're acting in a way (leaving out dirty plates for days) that most people would find disrespectful (particularly from a guest!), and indeed disgusting. It's completely reasonable for them to complain. In particular, take a moment to think about your boyfriend's position. The likelihood is that if he has roommates, they've been talking about you behind your back, and have expressed their anger to him about your behaviour. It's his job, as the boyfriend of the misbehaving one, to reprimand you on their behalf (they can't confront you directly because that would be going behind his back, as the one who invited you). Of course he has obligations to you as your boyfriend, but he also has obligations to his friends - even if somebody loves you, you never have them all to yourself, no strings attached - and he can't go back to his friends to say "yeah, I invited her and that's going to mean you have to do more work keeping the house liveable because she can't be bothered and I'm not going to argue with her about it".

You will now presumably, out loud or privately (if you've even let yourself read this much) complain either: "you're just attacking me because you don't like me and because you're an arsehole" (I'm not, I'm trying to help, and if I lack tact, it's a personal flaw - but it's so much easier to view me as an enemy, because then you don't have to take it seriously - as with your boyfriend's attempts to help, which you spectacularly contort into another example of people walking out on you), an/or "you can't possible understand because you don't know what I've gone through" (which is true, but also spectacularly irrelevent - whether the trauma is as trivial as hurting your finger or as serious as being attacked by someone you love and left paralysed from the neck down and with six weeks to live, it doesn't matter, because you have to find a way not only to live with it but to bracket it out of your daily life, and not try to use it to win arguments with your boyfriend (or with yourself). It can be hard not to THINK about this things (that's why we need help), but you're totally in control of whether you use it as an excuse for laziness and for refusing to compromise with your loved ones (and really, isn't that being disrespectful to yourself as well?). )







{Yes, I too am horrified and confused by my use of brackets. Don't know what's going on with them.}

[Salmoneus]

Tell him what you need. He's not a mind-reader, he probably thought that treating you to dinners and trips would help you feel better without knowing what you actually need.

Although if he's also saying things like "we expect xyz from you", then IMO you should leave him straightaway. People who say things like that are not good people to be with, fullstop.

I agree with the first - Hok is refusing to give him the benefit of the doubt or give him points for trying, which is particularly unfair when demanding that he try something impossible - but I disagree with the latter. EVERYONE expects things from their partners - love isn't an arranged marriage that you can't escape from. If you act enough like an arsehole, ignore your partner's feelings enough, eventually they will leave you. Saying what they expect up front is just honest, because you'll never find anyone who doesn't have expectations. It's puerile to imagine that everyone who doesn't give you everything you want without asking for anything in return is "not good people". You'll never find any partner who is able to substitute for your mother like that - and if you do, that's probably worse for you than an adult relationship.

More importantly, as I said before, this isn't even a boy-to-girl expectation: this is a group-of-hosts-to-their-guest expectation. Even if her boyfriend was the most laid-back guy in the world, he'd still have to relate the concerns of his of roommates. And however unrealistic it is to find a BOYFRIEND who doesn't want anything from you in return, the idea that HOSTS will just give you bed and board without even asking for anything in the way of standards of behaviour is ridiculous. What, they're meant to suffer in silence because you/hok are more important than them?

[Skomakar'n]

My girlfriend recently moved pretty far away to go to university, so I haven't been able to see her in probably a month or more now, but we're finally getting to see each other this Sunday and the Monday following it, since she's coming home to her parents' house again and staying the night. Then the next time will be the first of March, where I'll go that Thursday and go home the Monday following it.

It's a pity, since we saw each other at least once every week for more than a year before this, but it'll work out. We still get to talk every day and future visits will probably be more frequent than this. It's taken a while for her to get an apartment, but now she's finally gotten one. So after this weekend, there's some stuff (school) that keeps her preoccupied for a while, and then, like I said, I can come there at the beginning of next month (and we're already more than halfway through this month, so it's soon).

[Qwynegold]

I started talking to this one guy on the internet, and we decided to go on a date. But when we were in the middle of trying to decide on what we were gonna do and when, he stopped answering. After several days I was like "what's up?" and he just said it was his birthday the day before, but didn't say anything about why he never replied to my latest message. Then I asked about the date again and he said like maybe next week, because he would be occupied with animal rights activism this week. My latest message to him was "I though you had changed your mind", and again he hasn't replied to that in a few days. But this whole time he has been logged in to that site every day. What do you make of this?

Hmm, but maybe I don't even need to ask this because I've started talking to another guy. I hope this one is more reliable...

[Astraios]

Oh, one of those... You'll never see him. There are bazillions of guys who do that, and even I'm guilty of doing it a few times.

[Bob Johnson]

Oh, one of those... You'll never see him. There are bazillions of guys who do that, and even I'm guilty of doing it a few times.

But saying "no" is so hard!

[Astraios]

It's just for the yayness of having more people want to meet you - he probably has a boyfriend already or something. xD

[Qwynegold]

Oh, one of those... You'll never see him. There are bazillions of guys who do that,

Aha. Strange though how such a... uh, what's it called? In Swedish we say världsförbättrare, someone who makes the world a better place (pejorative word), cares so little about how people feel. Good thing I have a backup plan.

and even I'm guilty of doing it a few times.

You really are an evil person!

[Skomakar'n]

This is the true love.

[Astraios]

You really are an evil person!

My niceness is all a sham!

[Wattmann]

This is the true love.

Ég er ekki sammála.
Þessi er elskan!

Oh my gawd, I'm learning how to agree and disagree in Icelandic without Wiktionary!
Did I do it right? I did intentionally use what I assume is the definite form.

[Skomakar'n]

This is the true love.

Ég er ekki sammála.
Þessi er elskan!

Oh my gawd, I'm learning how to agree and disagree in Icelandic without Wiktionary!
Did I do it right? I did intentionally use what I assume is the definite form.

The first sentence is fine. elska doesn't mean love in the sense of the concept, but as in a 'loved one'. It's more like 'sweetheart' or 'honey' or 'darling'. The word you want is ást (feminine, so definite ástin). Also, when just referring to something arbitrary like that, use the neuter; þetta.

Þetta er ástin!

Also, I heard that band for the first time just three days ago or something, and I did indeed listen to that very song! It's a pretty nice band.