Venting thread that still excludes eddy (2)

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finlay
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Re: Venting thread

Post by finlay »

Imralu wrote:Are you interested in Canada? Would you consider living there? Are you ever going to have had enough of Japan?
I currently feel like I'm kind of in limbo what with a new job that I'm not used to (with worse pay than my last job), and a less than perfect living situation. Part of my life plan, as it were, is to go to grad school and study linguistics again. Is certainly be interested in going to Canada for that if I ever get it sorted out. That or America, but America scares me a little.

Also, sirdan, you should be fucking ashamed wondering why your high school students who you've presumably been hired to teach English don't know some English words. Why the fuck else are they in your class? Never fucking put someone down for not knowing a word in a language class.

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Re: Venting thread

Post by sirdanilot »

finlay wrote: Also, sirdan, you should be fucking ashamed wondering why your high school students who you've presumably been hired to teach English don't know some English words. Why the fuck else are they in your class? Never fucking put someone down for not knowing a word in a language class.
Now now what's all this temper tantrum about with the swearing.

I am not blaming the children. It is more the school system and other factors that are at fault than them. What I am saying is, that they do not possess this crucial lexical information that is needed to interpret the texts, and that is what I was wondering about. I do not remember such low level of education when I was at high school

I only tutor the kids for one day, I am not their fixed teacher. So no it is not my fault that their English vocabulary is quite limited.

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Re: Venting thread

Post by Imralu »

jal wrote:
Imralu wrote:Today I should be out with all of my friends partying. Everyone's out partying on the street, but I can't face people at the moment - not the crowds and not my friends in a group.
Why's that?
I had important stuff to do ... like sit in my room and cry. So, I guess it's pretty clear that I have depression, right?

At the moment I only really feel like seeing my friends one on one. In a group, the conversation is always about parties that people want to go to in the next few weeks and a lot of the time, the things that are in my head are too dark to put into the conversation, so I have nothing to say, and then my friends notice that I'm quiet and ask out of concern if I'm OK, and I don't want to lie, but I also don't want to talk about it in a group, so I give weird answers or I don't answer, or I answer just with facial expressions.
sirdanilot wrote:@imralu: Isn't it an idea to try for about an hour or so and see how it goes, then go home if you can't stand it anymore? I am sure your friends will understand that being in a crowd is difficult for you and they will probably want to help you with it. Take it step by step.
My flatmate kind of forced me to get out of the house and go for a walk with him. We went out for about an hour, met some friends of his really briefly and had some photos taken by a professional photographer randomly set up on the side of the road and then went home. It was good to get out of the house and made a bit of a detour by a few streets to avoid the parts of the crowd where you have to push through. I didn't see any of my friends. They might see the photos I'm in, see that I did go out on the first of May and be annoyed at me for being uncontactable the whole day and avoiding them. In any case, I feel better for having been out of the house and then a few friends of each of my flatmates dropped in, so I got to be a bit randomly social at home and after having someone tell me for half an hour that she's in awe of how good my German is, I've had a bit of an ego massage. Now it's time for chocolate.
sirdanilot wrote:Many people in the world can't stand crowds, it's quite normal. I personally have no problem with it but know plenty of people who do. Such as a lady in our church who could often not attend because of this fear of crowds and had to listen the services at home.
I was once in a crowd of about 100,000 that were stuck behind fences after a fireworks display. The crowd did not move for over half an hour. I saw a woman having a complete panic attack. Her friends formed a ring around her and she was on the ground screaming and crying. I don't really have a problem with crowds. I had a really bad experience in a crowd last year but I'm mostly OK with it now. It's more that I'm just a bit misanthropic in general at the moment. The bigger thing was that I didn't want to meet up with a big group of my friends, which I something I don't really know how to feel about. My flatmate is a really close friend, but aside from him, I've only seen people I kind of know today and that's preferable for some reason. I am finding it really hard to maintain friendships at the moment. I'm finding it really hard to reply to texts and emails - I think I'll do it later but I don't, so I'm kind of dropping off the radar a bit.

Yesterday, I met up with an old penpal of mine. She and I used to write to each other when I first started learning German twelve years ago and she was in Berlin this week so we met for the first time. We got on really well and I felt super comfortable with her and then ended up opening up more and more and she asked a few questions and, because I don't want to avoid the whole topic if it comes up, eventually the whole story of my childhood and what I'm going through now came out. She was great but I felt like I was being really inappropriate. It's not really typical kind of discussion to have with a near stranger. She was totally supportive though. Every time I tell someone, my brain reacts differently. Sometimes I'm a crying mess. Othertimes I'm so calm and unemotional that I've felt that that's inappropriate too. Yesterday was really weird though ... There were a couple of seconds where I felt that I was going to cry and I didn't want to, so I stopped it but continued talking and instead I started shaking. It got worse until I was uncontrollably trembling for about half an hour. My teeth were even chattering. It felt horrible. I think I would have rather cried. I think the people at the next table noticed and they were probably thinking that I was coming down from drugs. My penpal studied psychology, so she also found my story intellectually interesting and she said she was blown away by my openness and honesty and she said the shaking was a really intense thing to witness. So, now I feel like I really am the crazy guy who, unasked, tells his life story to strangers. I'm writing so much about it here lately, but it's my main outlet at the moment.
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Re: Venting thread

Post by Imralu »

Depression 15-05-01 - netdoctor.co.uk.png
Depression 15-05-01 - netdoctor.co.uk.png (23.84 KiB) Viewed 14731 times
Fuck.
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Re: Venting thread

Post by Yiuel Raumbesrairc »

finlay wrote:Also, sirdan, you should be fucking ashamed wondering why your high school students who you've presumably been hired to teach English don't know some English words. Why the fuck else are they in your class? Never fucking put someone down for not knowing a word in a language class.
While I'd be more concerned myself on how I could get my students to get more vocabulary by context, sirdanilot's comments are just a general concern of what have they been doing before. It's quite healthy to question what previous people have done with them. (I saw no blame on his students anywhere.) At least, he did not go as far as a person I have met said : "We're teaching, but most of them probably will never be able to learn English". I was shocked, perhaps rightly. So sirdan's wonder in comparison seems benign...

Also, considering Quebec, it seems possibility of usage isn't sufficient to acquire a language. Conversational English is still limited to about 40% of all French Quebeckers, despite being in what should be almost an ideal environment (short of being in immersion).
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Re: Venting thread

Post by sirdanilot »

Only 40% speaks English? That's ridiculous...


But hey Walloons in Belgium are doing a whole lot worse in knowing Dutch so.

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Re: Venting thread

Post by din »

Brussels would probably be a better comparison . And the level of Dutch of most Francophones here is... really disappointing. Almost all publications, signs, announcements, etc. are bilingual, so even without a lot of effort, you can learn so much just by going about your daily life
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Re: Venting thread

Post by jmcd »

Imralu wrote:
jmcd wrote:
Imralu wrote:
jmcd wrote:It does indeed seem that it's harder for citizens of other EU countries to move to French Polynesia. How do you have an Irish passport anyway? Is it because you're half Irish or something?
I'm a quarter, which by Irish standards means I'm allowed to apply for citizenship, so I did, agus anois is Éireannach mé. What about you? You're Canadian so ... are you also French?
Awesome! I'm Scottish and the only citizenship is British. But I'm half German so I think I could technically apply for German citizenship if I wanted. I might well do that now that there's no military service.
OMG, I don'tk
Now what's wrong with me! I asked you where you were from - you answered - I simply ignored it and just made up another country for you to be from and then told you that. Where the hell did I get Canada from?
Maybe because that way you can put bits of Scotland and bits of France in the same country..?
Imralu wrote:Also, Germany doesn't really like dual citizenship and makes it difficult. Would there be any benefit to you in being German rather than Scottish?
Oh yes that's true; I didn't take that into account. For the moment, I can't have Scottish citizenship so identity wise German citizenship would be preferable. And I'm not sure what things are like for German passports but British ones are expensive and take 4 monthd to come here so I can only hope that German ones will be better. As an aside, I have an aunt and a cousin in Berlin but I've still never been there.

@sirdanilot and jal: I'm sure many native English speakers don't the word 'consequently'.
sirdanilot wrote:Only 40% speaks English? That's ridiculous...
Yeah, that's ridiculously high. It's not like it's their native language or anything.~~

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Re: Venting thread

Post by Hydroeccentricity »

Conversational English is still limited to about 40% of all French Quebeckers
It's worth pointing out that this is only the number of Québécois who will admit to speaking English if asked by a survey taker. The dirty little secret is that they all speak English better than they're willing to let on.
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Re: Venting thread

Post by Acid Badger »

Imralu wrote:Today I should be out with all of my friends partying. Everyone's out partying on the street, but I can't face people at the moment - not the crowds and not my friends in a group.
I feel you. I hung out with friends the whole afternoon and then went to the Revolutionärer 1. Mai-demonstration and it was too much for me already. Some friends kinda expected me to join them partying afterwards, but I could barely handle the crowds and the music in the streets and I just went home.
/e: Well shit, having read your other posts I feel like a total jerk for comparing your situation to mine. Sorry for that!

Speaking of it, my friend and I met his elder brother on the street at some point that day. He was super drunk and suddenly started talking about how he doesn't get why we were both single and how he would totally hit on us if he wasn't straight. And then he was like "hey why don't the two of you start dating?". It was super awkward and made me feel really uncomfortable, especially since that friend has been acting quite clingy since breaking up with his not-yet-boyfriend and I wondered if he might have a crush on me anyway. That would suck. He is one of my best friends, but I just don't like him that way.
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Re: Venting thread

Post by jal »

Imralu wrote:Fuck.
My condolences, though as I understand, you were already aware of it. So do you have the means to have it treated? It would suck if you're sliding even further down (up?) the scale...


JAL

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Re: Venting thread

Post by sirdanilot »

@Imralu: If you wanted to know whether you are depressed, I also gathered as much from the posts you posted here.

All I want to say is that you should see depression as a disease distantiated from yourself and not something which is your own fault. If you start blaming yourself for your depression you will be going nowhere. I do hope you will start to see some help for this, in a civilized country like Germany you should also be able to get welfare benefits (in the Netherlands you would have been eligible to receive a WAO a 'law for those unfit for work' (a law which gives you X money if you cannot work for Y percent of the time due to some disease). I am sure some equivalent in Germany exists.

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Re: Venting thread

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vampireshark wrote:
Rui wrote:
Imralu wrote:I'm a quarter, which by Irish standards means I'm allowed to apply for citizenship, so I did, agus anois is Éireannach mé. What about you? You're Canadian so ... are you also French?
As someone who is also 1/4 Irish...what? (Not that I am going to do this, if I can, I just find it interesting)
The law is that a person who has a grandparent born on the island of Ireland (not just in Ireland) can acquire Irish citizenship by descent by proving the descent through various means of divination.
Ah I see, I'm pretty sure that rules me out as well haha. I'm like 80% sure that it was my Irish grandmother's parents that immigrated to the US, and that she was born here. I know for a fact both my grandfathers immigrated to the US, not sure about my other grandmother but I think she was also born in the US.

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Re: Venting thread

Post by Salmoneus »

אקֿמך ארש-הגִנו wrote: Typical libertarian puppet using typical libertarian melodramatic bullshit.
NB: I'm left-wing.
However, unlike you I'm able to empathise with and intellectually comprehend beliefs that I do not agree with.

The other important thing to bear in mind here is that the whole of your post is irrelevent. Your post is attacking the libertarian position; but I was not defending it. I was criticising your argument against it, which was begging the question. Responding to 'but that's assuming your premise!' with 'not if we assume my premise! Let's assume my premise...' - you're still begging the question.

Hence, you sound like, to put it gently, a nutter, who is unable to have a coherent conceptual discussion. And this has nothing to do with the validity of the libertarian position, but only your own inability to deduce validly.

That said...
No, compulsory taxation is not "taking from you and giving to someone else" because you seem to forget the all-important concept of public goods which are goods that are non-exclusive and of non-rivalrous consumption.
I am aware of the concept of public goods; but just waving a word around doesn't prove your case.
Public goods for which if they were private, they would be impractical, such as national defense, roads, and streetlamps.
For the record, roads are not a public good. They are definitely excludable - your driving licence may be revoked, and some places may require you to pay for your usage; they are also arguably rivalrous (your use of the roads adds to the traffic, which decreases my ability to use the roads). National defence is normally considered a public good, but this is questionable, as in practice defence is rivalrous (defending my city means reducing defence for yours). Nuclear defence, however, probably is a public good.
Taxes is a form of the public paying for something to be made through the government and means that no-one can be excluded from that made good, such as public parks.
This is not true, for two very important reasons.
First, taxes are mostly not a form of the public paying for something to be made through the government. This would apply to infrastructure projects, but ignores wealth transfers (pensions, benefits, subsidies, etc), and the cost of regulatory regimes, including of course the legal system.
Second, taxes do not mean that no-one can be excluded from that good. Almost all government-supplied goods have usage restrictions on them. People may be excluded from public parks either en masse (park closures) or individually (personal bans).
In addition to both parts of your claim being false, there are two further issues here:
First, you have simply stated this to be true without any support of it. Of course, it's hard to support something that's obviously false, but you could at least try!
Second, none of this has anything to do with public goods. Since hardly any taxes actually go toward public goods.
You live in this country and use its resources and programs that help you thrive, and paying taxes is your contribution for that use. You are paying rent to the land-owner.
I do not live in your country, as it happens. However, there are a couple of more general issues with this:
- in most civilised countries, landlords cannot arbitrarily raise their rents for existing tenants without the consent of the tenants
- in most civilised countries, landlords cannot imprison tenants for non-payment of rents
- landlords have the right to charge rent because, and to the extent that, the tenant has no right to residence. Landlords, who have the right to extend that right to the tenant, have the right to charge for that... but citizens have a right to reside in their country, and hence the government has no right to demand payment for that. You can't demand payment from somebody to allow them to do something that they have a right to do already! [Most civilised countries, of course, do think that tenants have SOME rights to reside, and hence they have limits on the ability of landlords to impose arbitrary rents. The government, however, does not resect any such limits]
- it is true that in the UK the Queen does indeed own (almost) all the land, and everybody else is her tenant. This is not true, however, in most countries. It is not true in the USA - if you own land, you own it, you're not renting it from the government as a land-owner. Hence the government has no legal right to charge rent.
- even if the law did say that the government owned everything, this law would be unjust - the government do not have a right to automatically own everything
- if the government's right to levy taxes originated in the relationship of a landlord to a renter, taxes would be proportional to use, not to wealth. My landlord doesn't look in my bank-account and charge me as much as he thinks he can get away with; he charges everybody equally. To do otherwise would, indeed, be illegal. Conversely, if he is charging me for using something because it is a finite resource, the charge should be proportional to my usage, not imposed as a flat rate. Most taxes are discriminatory regarding wealth and non-discriminatory regarding usage of government services... exactly the opposite of a rent.
- a rent is a market transaction - it is characterised by free will. I can, at least in theory, refuse to buy your product. If you can compel me to buy your product at the price you demand, that is no longer a free and fair market transaction!
The analogy of a landlord is inappropriate.
And, by the way, you're still not talking about public goods here. Were you just waving those words around symbolically?
Donations are nice, but they don't get roads repaired, your country defended, or bridges built.
So what?
You're just saying there "I want these things. Therefore you must pay me so I can buy them for myself. It doesn't matter whether you want them or not." That's not a very just argument!
Yes, there is selfishness in this dispute, because it is not "I don't want my money taken from me and given to someone else", but that of "I don't want to pay my rent" or "I don't want to pay my membership fee fr using the gym".
First, no, it isn't. Those are analogies, not reality. They are also incredibly badly flawed analogies. And yeah, as a matter of fact i DON'T want to have to pay the exorbitant membership fee for a gym that I don't use!
But also: still got nothing to do with selfishness. I might, for instance, be refusing to pay my membership fee out of religious conviction, or because I have already given all my money away to charity.
You can stop renting the house or stop using the gym, however, I think the emphasis here is that you cannot refuse to pay for services you already used, just like you cannot refuse to pay for your rent!
Sure I can. When the local thug comes round and tells me that by the way he owns my house and I need to pay him rent or else he'll break my thumbs, sure i can refuse to pay him.
Advice: rather than picking someone else and believing whatever they tell you to believe, I suggest you try to work out some principles and ideas for yourself. Perhaps you might try reasoned argument as a way to arrive at them?
I don't care why so-and-so thinks taxation isn't theft. I've got a degree in politics, philosophy and economics, I've read a lot of people telling me why taxation is or is not theft. The point is that your reasons for thinking this, as expressed so far, have been shit.

This is why you can't (and don't want to) engage in debate with communists, or indeed in my experience with anyone who disagrees with you on any issue. What you don't understand is that being sane, intelligent or reasonable are all properties of how and why you think things, not just who you follow. You assume that just because someone thinks The Wrong Thing, they're inferior to you, and that because you think what you have been taught is The Right Thing to think you are superior to them. But it doesn't work like that. Your views will only become reasonable and sane when you think about them in coherent ways, rather than just shouting ill-thought-out slogans. At that point, you'll become an adult, rather than an intellectually-dependent child.
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Re: Venting thread

Post by احمکي ارش-ھجن »

Well help me out here partner! What in my actual fucking post was "assuming the premise"? You just saying something is something without pointing out what exactly is being that something is not a lot helpful.
However, unlike you I'm able to empathise with and intellectually comprehend beliefs that I do not agree with.
Yes, my mother has complained that I'm incapable of seeing the other person's views...
One thing I've noticed is that people start to criticize my personality and character in the progression of the discussion and arguments...
in most civilised countries, landlords cannot arbitrarily raise their rents for existing tenants without the consent of the tenants
Luckily one can live in a country where you can vote what your tax money will be spent on such as "more defense spending", or "less food stamp spending".
in most civilised countries, landlords cannot imprison tenants for non-payment of rents
This is a fair point, but I'm sure if it weren't for laws, they'd probably beat it out of you with a wooden bat all the same.
landlords have the right to charge rent because, and to the extent that, the tenant has no right to residence. Landlords, who have the right to extend that right to the tenant, have the right to charge for that
[placeholder response]
if the government's right to levy taxes originated in the relationship of a landlord to a renter, taxes would be proportional to use, not to wealth. My landlord doesn't look in my bank-account and charge me as much as he thinks he can get away with; he charges everybody equally. To do otherwise would, indeed, be illegal. Conversely, if he is charging me for using something because it is a finite resource, the charge should be proportional to my usage, not imposed as a flat rate. Most taxes are discriminatory regarding wealth and non-discriminatory regarding usage of government services... exactly the opposite of a rent.
Actually, I do think your rate of income is much equivalent to being like a usage. I can't... quite explain how at the moment.
For the record, roads are not a public good. They are definitely excludable - your driving licence may be revoked, and some places may require you to pay for your usage; they are also arguably rivalrous (your use of the roads adds to the traffic, which decreases my ability to use the roads). National defence is normally considered a public good, but this is questionable, as in practice defence is rivalrous (defending my city means reducing defence for yours). Nuclear defence, however, probably is a public good.
Let us consider that roads were all privatized:
This means that individuals have to pay for the resources and machines o build hose roads. Because of this, the roads are toll roads. It also means that individuals can charge whatever thy want for them, or make deals with another individual to sell his road. They might hire someone to destroy that road and build a new one. And how will those secluded cities and towns ever get a road to a more populous city?
Sometimes, individuals can't even afford to build the roads! And on top of this, paying for tolls every time you go over a road is horrendously accumulative in being expensive and therefore crippling to long-distance travel.

Roads are a public good because individuals are not funding them, people through taxes and the government are. Your complaints that revoking driver's licenses is exclusion and that traffic reduces ability to use road is irrelevant. How? Your driver's license revocation is likely due to a misconduct with the rules, and my use of the road is equally affected by your use, as well as the potential notion that we are moving, so it is not like we are filling that space permanently. However, the main reason why it is non-exclusive is the fact that anyone can use the roads, even those from another area who didn't pay for it (the Free-Riders). The reason why it is non-rivalrous is because it is paid by the public, rather than by individuals, therefore there isn't a competition between roadbuilders.
Here is a definition of Public Good that I'm using:
http://www.econlib.org/library/Enc/PublicGoods.html
Second, taxes do not mean that no-one can be excluded from that good. Almost all government-supplied goods have usage restrictions on them. People may be excluded from public parks either en masse (park closures) or individually (personal bans).
This is a technicality and also irrelevant.
It is not true in the USA - if you own land, you own it, you're not renting it from the government as a land-owner. Hence the government has no legal right to charge rent.
I'm not sure, but, actually, no, you don't own land. The government leases it to you. At the end of the day it is sill a part of the U.S. and can be taken from you.
But we could go to the philosophical notion that no-one techically owns land.

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Advice: rather than picking someone else and believing whatever they tell you to believe, I suggest you try to work out some principles and ideas for yourself. Perhaps you might try reasoned argument as a way to arrive at them?
And here you are, incorrectly assuming things. I know what my principles are, you don't. I'm not "believing whatever they tell you to believe"...
I chose those links because I believe they are reasonable. I've read arguments for equating taxation to theft as well, and I'm not convinced.
I don't care why so-and-so thinks taxation isn't theft. I've got a degree in politics, philosophy and economics, I've read a lot of people telling me why taxation is or is not theft.
You SHOULD care, because they might say something that might be right.
And, I don't care if you got a degree, you can still be wrong, irrational, an idiot, or all three.
Alternatively, am I suppose to care? Or is this all an irrelevant addition?
This is why you can't (and don't want to) engage in debate with communists,
Accused of doing what you accuse me of doing: generalizing.
What you don't understand is that being sane, intelligent or reasonable are all properties of how and why you think things, not just who you follow.
Contrary to what you might think, I ask myself the "how" and "why" of my beliefs all the time.
You assume that just because someone thinks The Wrong Thing, they're inferior to you, and that because you think what you have been taught is The Right Thing to think you are superior to them.
I don't think they are necessarily inferior for being wrong, only for being what I might view as "consistently irrational". There is a "wrong" and a "right"; creationists are wrong about reality and they are consistently irrational in their argumentation whereas the scientific community is closer to having the right view of reality regarding the evolution of life and most provide rational argumentations for their viewpoints.
But it doesn't work like that. Your views will only become reasonable and sane when you think about them in coherent ways, rather than just shouting ill-thought-out slogans.
I do think about them in coherent ways, however, my communication and argumentation skills are poor.
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Most of the arguments you are making I have seen within the links I posted...
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Re: Venting thread

Post by vampireshark »

Yay for even more family-related drama to go on top of me feeling down about missing France and a lot of the fun "issues" that've been popping up as of late. And it feels like I don't really have anyone I can trust to talk to.

Some days, I just wanna run away.
What do you see in the night?

In search of victims subjects to appear on banknotes. Inquire within.

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Imralu
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Re: Venting thread

Post by Imralu »

Acid Badger wrote:
Imralu wrote:Today I should be out with all of my friends partying. Everyone's out partying on the street, but I can't face people at the moment - not the crowds and not my friends in a group.
I feel you. I hung out with friends the whole afternoon and then went to the Revolutionärer 1. Mai-demonstration and it was too much for me already. Some friends kinda expected me to join them partying afterwards, but I could barely handle the crowds and the music in the streets and I just went home.
/e: Well shit, having read your other posts I feel like a total jerk for comparing your situation to mine. Sorry for that!
No no, you're not a jerk. Totally valid way to feel about the crowds whether or not you have depression. And do you live in Berlin too???
Acid Badger wrote:Speaking of it, my friend and I met his elder brother on the street at some point that day. He was super drunk and suddenly started talking about how he doesn't get why we were both single and how he would totally hit on us if he wasn't straight. And then he was like "hey why don't the two of you start dating?". It was super awkward and made me feel really uncomfortable, especially since that friend has been acting quite clingy since breaking up with his not-yet-boyfriend and I wondered if he might have a crush on me anyway. That would suck. He is one of my best friends, but I just don't like him that way.
That is awkward! Also, was your friend's brother saying he would hit on not only you but also his own brother if he were gay? That's also awkward.
jal wrote:
Imralu wrote:Fuck.
My condolences, though as I understand, you were already aware of it.
sirdanilot wrote:@Imralu: If you wanted to know whether you are depressed, I also gathered as much from the posts you posted here.
Yeah, thanks. I suppose it's been obvious. I just haven't wanted to admit it to myself. I've been really emotional because I'm psychologically dealing with the past - stuff that's heavy enough to have shaped the whole direction of my life - but as far as I can see it, there's no way around those emotions and they're productive in the long term. Also, I'm very familiar with depression from my past and this is different from what I'm used to. In the past, I hated myself when I had depression. I had very little will to make my life better until it got to the point where I was actually scared. I feel different now. I actually like myself now and I know that I don't deserve this - I want to make my life better. So I've been thinking that it can't be depression because I feel more "on my side", but I'm finding that I'm not fully in control of myself. I can't just make myself do the things I want to do and the more I feel bad about not being able to do that, the less I can do it.

I went to a friend's house the other night and she told me I'm looking really skinny, so I weighed myself at her place and I was about 80kg, which is what I was the last time I weighed myself maybe a month ago. I used to be in the high 80s and that's where I feel the most healthy, but I've found it hard to maintain that weight in Germany. At least my weight's stable, I thought. I told her she's probably just used to me in big winter jackets and things and I'm actually quite slim - but then I weighed myself at home, using the scales I used a while back, and I'm actually around 75, meaning I have lost weight. The scales are just different. The last time I was this weight it was because I got very sick after I arrived in Germany and the time before was about 8 years ago when I was very depressed. I'm trying to look after myself and feed myself more now. It's hard though. Just after I weighed myself, my flatmate saw me and at that time of all times, he told me I'm looking really skinny and that I should eat something and that day, I couldn't make it out of the house and I just didn't eat anything. Sometimes when I know I should do something and then someone else tells me I should do it, I makes it a million times harder to do it. It's such a horrible personality trait that comes out when I'm not doing well and it's making it hard to be open with people because if I say there's a problem, most people will try to suggest solutions and unless it's actually something I hadn't thought of (and I think A LOT!) it just makes me feel like I can't move.

I know not eating is really bad, but I've been like this since a kid. Both of my brothers and I are completely fine with skipping meals. Hunger is not a driving force. They're both incredibly skinny and I'm a bit more normally built because I am generally a bit more responsible with feeding myself. I always thought the lack of appetite was a genetic thing but I've just remembered in the last few months that we often had a big incentive not to go into the kitchen, so we've learned to ignore our hunger. I usually lose a tonne of weight when I get depressed and stop looking after myself. I've had five years without depression and it's just really shit to be back here.
sirdanilot wrote:All I want to say is that you should see depression as a disease distantiated from yourself and not something which is your own fault. If you start blaming yourself for your depression you will be going nowhere.
Yeah, I know. Thanks! Actually, to admit to myself that I probably have depression is good in a way. I know I've just said above that I actually like myself at the moment - I finally feel like I am actually a good person - but at the same time I have been very, very disappointed with myself for how I've just been letting myself rot at home. Now I can put it in perspective more and it's good to be able to see that it's not just laziness. Also, given the psychological stuff I've been going through in the last eight months, I suppose it's no surprise that it's triggered depression and hopefully this is an adjustment thing and provided I get through this and don't screw up my life, it shouldn't mean that I am back to the decade-long depression I've had before. It's a part of the whole process I guess. Of course, then I run the risk of using this as an excuse and letting myself rot more - but knowing that it's probably depression is kind of scary and I know I need to do something. It doesn't make tackling the big things any easier - it makes it even scarier in a way - but I can at least push myself to do something positive every day. My plan for the day is to, at least, get out of the house, eat, go and get a haircut so I feel like I don't look like a hairy orang utan. That's the hour-long walk I talked about and hopefully it'll do me good.
sirdanilot wrote:I do hope you will start to see some help for this, in a civilized country like Germany you should also be able to get welfare benefits (in the Netherlands you would have been eligible to receive a WAO a 'law for those unfit for work' (a law which gives you X money if you cannot work for Y percent of the time due to some disease). I am sure some equivalent in Germany exists.
jal wrote:So do you have the means to have it treated? It would suck if you're sliding even further down (up?) the scale...
Yeah, the thing is that I need to sort out stuff with insurance first. I'm still on travel insurance and that won't pay for me to see a therapist or anything. I'm basically not on the German system except for having registered my residence and I feel really stupid for that now. Someone, I think it was hwhatting, gave me some really helpful information a few pages ago. I think that's my first plan of attack. I just have to actually do it.
vampireshark wrote:Yay for even more family-related drama to go on top of me feeling down about missing France and a lot of the fun "issues" that've been popping up as of late. And it feels like I don't really have anyone I can trust to talk to.

Some days, I just wanna run away.
Write about it here if you need. I'm feeling a bit self conscious of my massive walls of navel-gazing text here, so please feel free to do the same. That's what this thread is for.
Salmoneus wrote:People may be excluded from public parks either en masse (park closures) or individually (personal bans).
For a second, that made me kind of laugh. "Gee, what would you have to do to be banned from a park?!" And then I thought of a few things and it wasn't so funny anymore.
Glossing Abbreviations: COMP = comparative, C = complementiser, ACS / ICS = accessible / inaccessible, GDV = gerundive, SPEC / NSPC = specific / non-specific
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jal
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Re: Venting thread

Post by jal »

So... May I propose to split this whole taxation argument thing to another thread? Both so that the true venting isn't snowed over, and because others might be interested in it who wouldn't expect it in the venting thread?


JAL

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linguoboy
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Re: Venting thread

Post by linguoboy »

jal wrote:So... May I propose to split this whole taxation argument thing to another thread? Both so that the true venting isn't snowed over, and because others might be interested in it who wouldn't expect it in the venting thread?
Done. You'll find it in Ephemera.

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Imralu
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Re: Venting thread

Post by Imralu »

I've just sent an email to get an appointment to be advised on insurance matters. Some feeling of success there, but it's kind of tempered by how completely emotional I am at the moment. I have just made a text document so that I can prepare the questions I want to ask in my "advice appointment" (what the hell is natural English for Beratungstermin?) ... and just writing down the questions I want to ask resulted in me feeling completely hopeless, crying ... and then somewhat weirdly, getting up to lock my bedroom door so that no one else can come in. For some reason, I feel safer right now with my bedroom door locked - not like my flatmates are a threat and it's not like they just come into my room unasked, but I really can't deal with other people in this state and I feel slightly more in control to be locked in here. I'm still sitting here with the door locked but I'm starting to see that I'm getting really irrational and it's concerning.

I've been locking my door a bit lately. In the past, I've only ever done that when my flatmates have drunken friends over because they sometimes just stumble in through the wrong door, but lately I just feel safer knowing no one can get in without me having the chance to think about it first. I know this is potentially concerning, but I have no concerns about my physical safety - no urges to hurt myself or end anything and I really only want positive things for myself - but I can see my behaviour starting to turn into crazy person behaviour. I could be out having dinner with friends of mine at the moment but I can't really face a group, so I'm at home, literally locked in my bedroom. Just trying to concentrate on the fact that I have just made a positive step. Yay me! I'm going to unlock the door.
Glossing Abbreviations: COMP = comparative, C = complementiser, ACS / ICS = accessible / inaccessible, GDV = gerundive, SPEC / NSPC = specific / non-specific
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alynnidalar
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Re: Venting thread

Post by alynnidalar »

Huh. I can't think of a natural way to say it either. I guess "appointment with an advisor"? Consultation, maybe? "Advisory appointment"?
I generally forget to say, so if it's relevant and I don't mention it--I'm from Southern Michigan and speak Inland North American English. Yes, I have the Northern Cities Vowel Shift; no, I don't have the cot-caught merger; and it is called pop.

sirdanilot
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Re: Venting thread

Post by sirdanilot »

Well very good that you at least make the advice appointment ! Writing down some questions you have is indeed a good idea.

---------------

I have a presentation tomorrow but oh man I can't get myself to work on it. I wasted two entire days not working on it. I am very demotivated because I only keep getting 7s and 6s (out of 10) for my assignments for this subject so I truly can't be bothered. Even if I score a 4.5 I will be at 5.5 for this half of the course, and then the final paper just has to be higher than 5.5 and at least I passed it....

I am really getting fed up of my studies. However, I do not have a clear idea of what else I'd like to be doing, so continuing this is the only option. I sometimes feel like I just want to be on vacation or something, but it's not like that would solve anything in the long run. I think what I'd like most is to have a full-time job to earn some money (very low on the money department here) and which is not utterly stupid/dumb/physically heavy. But yeah, what on earth to do?

Acid Badger
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Re: Venting thread

Post by Acid Badger »

Imralu wrote:
Acid Badger wrote:
Imralu wrote:Today I should be out with all of my friends partying. Everyone's out partying on the street, but I can't face people at the moment - not the crowds and not my friends in a group.
I feel you. I hung out with friends the whole afternoon and then went to the Revolutionärer 1. Mai-demonstration and it was too much for me already. Some friends kinda expected me to join them partying afterwards, but I could barely handle the crowds and the music in the streets and I just went home.
/e: Well shit, having read your other posts I feel like a total jerk for comparing your situation to mine. Sorry for that!
No no, you're not a jerk. Totally valid way to feel about the crowds whether or not you have depression. And do you live in Berlin too???
Alright then! I just read in the news that there were around 1.5 million tourists visitin Berlin on that weekend alone, so yeah, I guess it didn't just feel crowded. And yes, I live here.
Imralu wrote:
Acid Badger wrote:Speaking of it, my friend and I met his elder brother on the street at some point that day. He was super drunk and suddenly started talking about how he doesn't get why we were both single and how he would totally hit on us if he wasn't straight. And then he was like "hey why don't the two of you start dating?". It was super awkward and made me feel really uncomfortable, especially since that friend has been acting quite clingy since breaking up with his not-yet-boyfriend and I wondered if he might have a crush on me anyway. That would suck. He is one of my best friends, but I just don't like him that way.
That is awkward! Also, was your friend's brother saying he would hit on not only you but also his own brother if he were gay? That's also awkward.
Oh wow I didn't even think of that. I think he just didn't think it through, though. Drunk people logic yay!

And I think it's totally fine if you lock your door if you feel more secure that way, as long as you don't stop leaving the room entirely and take steps into the right direction. And it seems like you took the first one, so congratulations for that! :)

sirdanilot
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Re: Venting thread

Post by sirdanilot »

That new cities:skylines game is really eating up any time I should spend on useful things. The game is so addicting, I just can't. stop. playing. Instead of preparing my presentation, I have perfected my city's bus network.

So I guess this will be an all-nighter.

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Torco
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Re: Venting thread

Post by Torco »

I know that feels: even though it has its problems, C:S is pretty damned addicting, especially the part about optimizing transportation

considering the devs did a whole game about optimizing transportation, it's not surprising

... this reminds me, I should really get a better CPU: my rig can run any FPS just fine but it gets all sluggish with RTS and other backend-heavy games.

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