Venting thread that still excludes eddy (2)

[Travis B.]

Fuck. I am sufficiently depressed that I simply do not want to drive today, and do not feel entirely comfortable doing so. But I have no choice; there is no one to pick me up right now, there is no public transportation that gets me where I need to go, I don't have a smartphone so I cannot use Uber, and even if I could it would cost way too much money. I do think I will be safe, though.

[jal]

I do think I will be safe, though.

Take care!


JAL

[Chagen]

My dad is now paranoid that I am not going to school. Great. This is already starting to become stressful...

[jal]

My dad is now paranoid that I am not going to school. Great. This is already starting to become stressful...

Well, like others have said, it's not easy maintaining lies...


JAL

[Travis B.]

Okay, my psych definitely thinks that bipolar can involve psychosis in normal mood, and as you can guess, my psych does not care one bit for the DSM...

[Max1461]

I tend to be a sentimental person generally, but I often have a strong emotional attachment to places in particular. This might be related to something else I've noticed about myself, that when consuming fiction, I usually care a great deal more about the setting(s) than the characters (In fact, if any part of a work of fiction inspires an emotional reaction from me at all, it's generally an aspect of the setting). In any case, I've recently returned to school from winter break, and it's reminded me of just how much I miss my home when I'm away; it honestly feels like not being able to see a loved one for months at a time. On top of this, there are some places that, inexplicably, make me happy whenever I'm there, and others that cause me to feel anxious and uneasy for no particular reason. School is one of the latter, though not to the extent that it makes being there unbearable (there are places like that), just a bit disconcerting. On the other hand, my social life exists entirely here, as none of my friends from high school stayed in town after for collage/university, so I tend to feel quite lonely when back home. It sort of feels like a no-win situation. I know missing home when at college/university isn't unusual, but I feel like missing the physical location of home, in a completely emotional way, rather than over pragmatic concerns such as space, privacy, etc., isn't something I hear discussed that often, at the very least.

[Pogostick Man]

So, I finally went on my first date ever at age 25. Why is this not in the Happy Things thread, you may ask?

We were supposed to go to this concert/music festival, but stopped on the way to get a bite to eat. She mentioned having food allergies, and despite requesting food without the offending ingredient, the story was that there was some cross-contamination. She said she was suffering from her food allergy and we turned around before even getting there. All well and good except for the fact that she, by all appearances, blocked me on iMessage afterward. (For the record, I only sent three messages after—two as a coda to a conversation we had and one asking how she was feeling.) Some friends and others think she was faking the allergy to get out of the date.

I had a realization on Friday while talking to my guitarist's fiancée: Everybody thinks I'm a great catch except the women I'm attracted to.

Why is it so hard? Why won't women give me the time of day?

EDIT: And now the suicidal thoughts are coming back. Maybe I shouldn't be listening to Sunn O))), but the music is how I feel right now.

[jal]

For the record, I only sent three messages after—two as a coda to a conversation we had and one asking how she was feeling.

I really hope the one asking how she was feeling was the first one you sent.

Some friends and others think she was faking the allergy to get out of the date.

She might've been, but then why go through the trouble of showing up in the first place? I can only imagine that, if she really bailed out only at that time, you did something so gross she wanted to get away from you.

I had a realization on Friday while talking to my guitarist's fiancée: Everybody thinks I'm a great catch except the women I'm attracted to.
Why is it so hard? Why won't women give me the time of day?

I suppose you mean that retorical, since to answer that, I'd have to know how you'd behave around women.

Anyway, sorry to hear it didn't work out!


JAL

[Pole, the]

Why is it so hard? Why won't women give me the time of day?

I don't know, but women being sentient beings with their own fears, desires and complexes, has probably something to do with that.

[alynnidalar]

She might even be feeling embarrassed that she bailed on the date. Food allergies are pretty awful things, so assuming she was telling the truth, she was probably feeling terrible.

Don't beat yourself up over it! If it helps, I'm 24 and can't get any guy (that I have interest in) to give me the time of day either, so it's not just women who are like this.

[Pogostick Man]

She might even be feeling embarrassed that she bailed on the date.

I recently had a meeting with my counselor and he actually suggested this. I suppose, if true, it's a difference in worldview.

I guess I'm pissed off that the entire last decade has been one romantic failure after another. I desire companionship and can't seem to find any and it's taking its toll on me.

[Lich]

Like Pole, the said, women are human beings with their own psyches. Obviously you are aware of that, but still. Some people are just locked in some sort of a social limbo, and can't really deal find companionship until it finds them. You shouldn't fret too much about it. I'm 20 and only had one romantic companion in my life.

If you wish to change that, you need to get out of your comfort zone. It's hard and it's a rather cliché advice, but it works. Do not fear for other's opinions and minds; nothing matters in the end. You are who you are, and if that works for someone else, then great. If not, then so be it.

If I'm entirely mistaken in my analysis, and you are active socially or what have you not, then I apologise. But to quote a song I hold dearly:

Never surrender
Never retreat
In this, the weapons are our very lives
Fuck hope and godspeed

[Ars Lande]

So, I finally went on my first date ever at age 25. Why is this not in the Happy Things thread, you may ask?

We were supposed to go to this concert/music festival, but stopped on the way to get a bite to eat. She mentioned having food allergies, and despite requesting food without the offending ingredient, the story was that there was some cross-contamination. She said she was suffering from her food allergy and we turned around before even getting there. All well and good except for the fact that she, by all appearances, blocked me on iMessage afterward. (For the record, I only sent three messages after—two as a coda to a conversation we had and one asking how she was feeling.) Some friends and others think she was faking the allergy to get out of the date.

I had a realization on Friday while talking to my guitarist's fiancée: Everybody thinks I'm a great catch except the women I'm attracted to.

Why is it so hard? Why won't women give me the time of day?

EDIT: And now the suicidal thoughts are coming back. Maybe I shouldn't be listening to Sunn O))), but the music is how I feel right now.

I've been there before - and my advice would be not to fret about it. Sometimes dates just don't work out.
I believe there are two things to keep in my (even if they're going to sound unnecessarily harsh):
- no matter the reason, if the first date doesn't work out, would you really want to be in a relationship with that person?
- there's plenty more fish in the sea.

[Viktor77]

I don't like people on power trips. I had an emergency, it wasn't ideal, it was last minute. I made arrangements so all my affairs were in order, no one got hurt. Yet it was unprofessional of me to have this emergency despite doing everything to make sure everything was in order during my absence.

I'm trying to learn how to take criticism well and not dwell on it. I know that my professional life is going to be an endless barrage of criticism and I need to be able to take it all on the chin, but it's difficult, especially when the criticism seems less than justified. "I'm just trying to help you be more professional" they say...I guess you did help me look at myself and see how I can harden myself up and become more of a stone cold person. I envy people who don't give criticism the time of day and tell people criticizing them to go fuck themselves. I'm not sure how they do it, I would be ruined if I did that. I must maintain cordial relations with these people for the sake of my education.

[masako]

So over the last 3 days my organization has basically been reduced to chaos on a stick. The leadership, which includes military and civilians, has determined that instead of several teams of inspectors they will use only one team for the official inspections and a second for what amount to unofficial inspections (records are maintained for unofficial but only internally). This is significant because they are actually supposed to have eight fully-functional and trained teams. What this means though, according to what information is available (and there ain’t much) is that the remaining personnel will likely not be able to maintain their respective certifications required to be inspectors, and will de facto become researchers and program developers.

This might not necessarily be a bad thing except that a few of us (maybe 20%) have only been hired within the last 6 to 8 months…as inspectors/reviewers, NOT as researchers etc. So, it very much feels like a ‘bait and switch’ scenario, one that includes a lengthy and taxing certification/training program that now becomes mostly meaningless.

And now, thanks to the Grand Nagus Cheeto, if any of us want to leave because we don’t like the situation, it could be years (perhaps a decade or more) before we would be able to get another, different govvy job.

[Travis B.]

Was quite psychotic yesterday at work - and still have been getting bits of it today - and no, I don't mean my everyday hallucinations but thoughts that everyone... and even invisible beings... were watching and monitoring me (they did not need to physically look at me to do so)... and that I had to avoid being watched or monitored by them. As a result I was acting quite erratically, as I was constantly looking around for anyone around me, and I snuck around work trying to avoid being in line of sight with anyone. And I have to wait until this coming Wednesday to see my psych about this. Yay.

[jal]

And I have to wait until this coming Wednesday to see my psych about this. Yay.

Yay! :( Well, hang in there, hopefully you'll be able to pull through until then.


JAL

[Travis B.]

Ugh more psychosis today... is this gonna continue all the way until at least Wednesday...

[Chagen]

Well.



I think one of my friendships is not going to last to midnight tonight.

[Pole, the]

Well.

http://i.imgur.com/c9XMZ4U.png

I think one of my friendships is not going to last to midnight tonight.

Is that what they call “yandere”?

[Chagen]

This girl in question does lose her shit if I so much as open my mouth around another girl, so...

[Travis B.]

The paranoia doesn't end, does it? It just goes away temporarily to come back later, generally not that long thereafter. Sigh. I wish my psych had actually given me another antipsychotic last time, rather than opting to wait until next time.

[alynnidalar]

I'm getting increasingly frustrated with our project lead. Every day that passes, I become more convinced he has a condition that prevents him from giving people the information they need, because he never gives us details on things that need to get done. He'll say, "oh, do this thing", and then you do the thing, and then he comes along and tells you about a half-dozen major details he failed to mention originally, so you have to rewrite the entire thing. He has practically no documentation on anything (or at least he doesn't tell you about it--more on that later), and I have no contact with the end users, so you have to either ask him a million questions (that he will not answer satisfactorily) or make wild assumptions (that may or may not be correct). To top it all off, he changes his mind and forgets things constantly.

siiiiigh... I like this job, I really do, and he's pretty laid back so he doesn't seem to care that we end up taking forever to do things, I just can't stand the way this guy works. We would save so much time and effort if he would just be clear about what he wanted in the first place, and would write things down once in awhile!

Anyway. Today's rant: we're doing internal testing of our application right now, which means it's basically done. "Oh by the way," Mr. Project Lead says a couple days ago, "why don't you look over these functional specs [that you never knew existed prior to this]? We also need to generate some reports from the application, so look at that too." This is another of his favorite things to do, by the way--vaguely tell you to "look at" something (a record in the database, a document, an email) with zero context of why you're looking at it.

Turns out we have almost NOTHING for this report generation so far (because nobody knew we had to do it) and he wants me to do it. (but didn't actually say he wanted me to do it until today, mind you) Oh, and there's twenty-seven different reports, some of which will be fairly complex. (but don't worry, I only have to get four of them working for now ) I could just scream. If we'd known we were going to need this report generation capability, we could've, y'know, built in some of that functionality as we went along! But now I've got to figure out how to tack it on at the last minute because he can't be bothered to give us the information we need to do our jobs.

[Travis B.]

I'm still psychotic. It's not making me anxious or dominating my thoughts as much, but at the end of the day, I'm still psychotic. And not just hallucinations but delusions too; I can live with my hallucinations, the same is not true with my delusions.

(Yet at the same time, why do I feel like this is a First World problem? Being psychotic is decidedly not a First World problem. But just because I have insight and can largely function on an everyday basis it feels like I shouldn't be complaining about it.)

(Okay, I think the delusions have finally quieted down, thank fucking god.)

[Imralu]

Ah, Travis, it's not a first-world problem. It's totally legit. Mental illness happens in the third world too ... we just don't hear about it. You're allowed to be frustrated and need to vent. It sounds pretty mega-fucked to be honest. That you have insight reassures me that you will pull through all of this, but damn, dude, it sounds pretty unpleasant ... big understatement.

Alynnidalar ... I actually pulled a face when you said twenty-seven reports. Like, I don't care how small they are ... if you tell me I need to do 27 different tasks, I ... aaaaaa. It reminds me of a reoccurring theme in my dreams where I'm late for something or I'm behind in some kind of work but the more I do, the more behind I get. And when I concentrate really hard, I also realise I can't actually read because everything keeps changing (which is apparently a normal thing in dreams because the piece of paper your holding is not actually a physical thing

(Although, having said that, I got frustrated with the fact that my Fijian phrasebook's dictionary is only one way, from English to Fijian and there's nothing resembling a gloss through the rest of the phrasebook, so, in one day, in wrote the entire dictionary (according to the back page, 1,630 words) into a spreadsheet and over the next couple of days I've been adding all the grammatical words that the phrasebook has but are not in the dictionary, including the insane pronoun system ... so the spreadsheet is up to 2,371 entries now ... so clearly, I could handle 27 small tasks ... but yeah ... maybe only if I'm interested.)

My vent ... struggling really badly with my sleeping patterns. I sleep through whole days and just when I finally manage to sleep in the night again, I wake up in the morning feeling pretty fresh and then after a couple of hours, I fall back asleep and sleep through the whole day. Yesterday, I slept for something like 14 hours. My mood's been pretty OK lately though, although a bit shakier since last waking. I nearly cried while watching video clips. Oh, and I did a poo that hurt my butt.