Venting thread that still excludes eddy (2)

[Pole, the]

[...] I carry myself as the most pompous of douchebags (as that's what is considered attractive these days).

America is a weird country. Some tall-poppy syndrome there would do a world of good.

Isn't tall-poppying one of the things that elevated Trump?

(Read it as “if Trump's won because of it, it might've already started”, not as “if Trump's won because of it, it must be eeeevil”.)

But I also have conversations with myself too. Maybe this is normal?

I sometimes talk to myself. For once, it helps me program. On the other hand, it doesn't help me look normal while programming.

I also sometimes whisper to myself, for instance, I pronounce words to check how they sound.

I was talking to a friend of mine recently and I told her that a significant proportion of my thinking takes the form of hypothetical conversations about things that I would have with either real or imaginary people ... it's often kind of how I sum up what's going on in my life to myself.

I have that too. (It isn't surprising if you consider that approximately everybody on this forum is one of Imralu's multi accounts. )

Recursive “thought-conversations” are the weirdest. I once confessed to my middle-school classmate that I was having thought-conversations with her, and thought-conversations about confessing those thought-conversations to her, and so on…

[cunningham]

Is this something that your brain likes to do, like you get some kind of weird pleasure out of running this situation through your head (like it is with me) or is it more like a run-away worry that you can't turn off (with no pleasure)?

It's a bit a both. I'm really fascinated with the virus, because it just seems like a "hypochondriac's worst nightmare". I'm fascinated in the people who live with it, especially other gay men, and how some purposely gave it to themselves. I'm fascinated with how viruses aren't really living but aren't really non-living, and where do they come from? I think of it as some kind of demon that can come out at any time, but most of the time it's asleep. And it's like if I had that virus, I really would not know what to do with myself. I don't know if I would cry, or have no emotions. I don't know if my dad would cry or not because I've never seen him cry. I don't know how I would tell him, or what I would tell him. I don't know if I would tell him at all. I don't know what people would think of me. And I am very high risk now because with the new friends I've made, we didn't use condoms. It's weird because I'm pretty sure I know everything about the virus, and here I am not even taking any preventative measures. Not even taking Pre-exposure prophylaxis pills, which I should. And I'm not sure what you mean by weird pleasure, but it's like heroin: you want to know what it is like, but you don't want to ruin your life. I hope this doesn't jynx me into getting it. I just keep wondering what my life would be like if I had it and how I would learn to live with it,but I really really don't want it.

"Why are you saying [ˈʔu.a.ˌi.a ˈʔu.a.ˌi.a ˈʔu.a.ˌi.a ˈʔu.a.ˌi.a ˈʔu.a.ˌi.a]?" "Um ... well ..."

Omg, I did something similar. I don't have any conlangs created, but I always say a bunch of weird consonant clusters, clicks, ejectives, implosives out loud and one time I was doing it and my brother was secretly recording it, and then he showed it to all his friends. It was pretty funny but I couldn't even explain to them what I was doing because they don't know squat about languages.

[din]

But I also have conversations with myself too. Maybe this is normal? [...] anyway, my friend was like "OMG, I do that too ... but I've never told anyone about it." Later that evening, she went out on the balcony alone for a smoke and when she came in she was like "Oh, I just had one of those imaginary conversations."

I'm pretty sure that's how most (verbal) people think. Not all the time, but at least for some types of thoughts.

Just like you, I use those types of thoughts for language learning. I'm so glad smartphones exist, because it allows me to look up words and grammatical structures at any time.

[cunningham]

I do the same with Russian. Actually as I was walking home just now, I was guessing the declension of the word чувство (feeling) aloud and then looking on wiktionary to see if I was right. I was like чувство, чувства, чувств (?), чувству, чувствам, чувством, чувствами, чувстве, чувствах
And I always love how they say "by me, there is" instead of "have" most of the time, so I'm always like "У меня есть ..." or "У меня нет", so today I was like "У меня нет чувств" repeatedly on my way home today, and it means "I don't have feelings", but I just like saying чувств.

If any Russians overheard me, IDK what they would think.

[Imralu]

Now, today, I am paranoid again and I am depressed. Yay. One step forward, two steps back.

Boo! That sucks. I'm sorry ... hope it's less bad now.

I'm pretty sure that's how most (verbal) people think. Not all the time, but at least for some types of thoughts.

Yeah, I don't think I do this at all for planning or learning things. It's non-verbal, just kind of concepts, but processing things that have already happened is often in fake conversations.

today I was like "У меня нет чувств" repeatedly on my way home today, and it means "I don't have feelings", but I just like saying чувств.

If any Russians overheard me, IDK what they would think.

That is actually hilarious!

[Travis B.]

Now, today, I am paranoid again and I am depressed. Yay. One step forward, two steps back.

Boo! That sucks. I'm sorry ... hope it's less bad now.

Well, I am still depressed but have had very little paranoia all day today, which is an improvement.

[hwhatting]

But anyway, time for some venting.
I hate group projects.
I hate them so so much.
In my demography class, the professor picks out two countries for us to do a demographic report on (one developed, one developing), and it is a collaborative effort. I don't know why every educational institute in America has to require this commie bullshit in their curriculum. I could probably do all of this by myself, because I think I would actually enjoy this, since I do it in my free time anyway.

Maybe you know this and just wanted to vent, in that case ignore my response. But the reason they let you do that is that working in a team and also organizing a team are skills that are needed constantly in the workplace, especially if you want a better-paid job. (Yes, there are probably well-paid jobs for lone wolf coders and similar geniuses, but that's not very frequent.) Of course, in a workplace you won't experience the degrees of laziness and shirking you have now encountered at community college (although some of the things I've seen come close), So it's best to chalk it up as an experience from which you can learn vital lessons, in an environment where not too much depends on it. (And if it's a consolation, I also hated group projects back at school.)

[Travis B.]

When I did group projects back in school, at the slightest indication that my other team members were less than competent, I would normally take it upon myself to do the whole project for everyone, just so that I did not have to rely on such individuals and have them affect my grade.

[hwhatting]

When I did group projects back in school, at the slightest indication that my other team members were less than competent, I would normally take it upon myself to do the whole project for everyone, just so that I did not have to rely on such individuals and have them affect my grade.

When you try that approach at work, you'll end up burnt out and responsible for all failures. Better learn to work a team.

[cunningham]

The group meeting went well today. I feel really good about myself because I've never really been a leader in anything before, and it was really cool to know that I set this meeting up and was able to get everyone to come. I guess I tend to overthink and freak out about things, and it always turns out to be no big deal.
And my "friend with benefits" started talking to me again and we went to this hipster supermarket today to shop for dinner. Of course, we went straight into politics and talked about how the Trump admin. "took away trans rights for bathrooms" recently. My argument was that trans people have already been using the opposite bathroom anyway, and since this has to do with schools, children should not be transgender anyway since they don't know what they want until their brain is developed. His argument was basically "muh feelings". Ok...sorry I'm biased lol...he said "why do you care about what people do?" And I told him when they become adults they can do whatever, but if children can't consent to sex, they shouldn't consent to delaying their puberty and making themselves infertile since their prefrontal cortex isn't fully developed. He said that "it would make them happy" and I talked about the high suicide rate in transgender people because of regret, and he said that was just Republican rhetoric. Since I know he is a Cancer, I kinda poked the soft spot of his Crab-self for fun and said "Listen, we live in a world of alternative facts." I was just kidding, but he blew up on me in front of the store and said that I am everything he hates about humanity. We both decided to stop talking about politics, and since I was going to meet his fiancé, he told me that I should just go back to alternative-me around him and pretend to be a liberal. I found out that they are both literal socialists and his fiancé was part of Bernie's campaign.
So I got to meet him and we made some shrimp scampi together and watched Grumpy Old Men together on the sofa....but uh it kinda turned into a "rotisserie" situation at the end of the night LMAO sorry. He probably enjoyed degrading me though because of my beliefs.

Anyway, something weird is happening to me. I think I'm becoming a liberal.. I signed up to be this grass roots environmental dude where I go out and protest and talk to people about how Trump is going to poison our water. So I guess that's what I'm doing this summer. I guess my new friends are making me more liberal? Is liberalism a disease or something? Just kidding Anyway, I'm starting to hate Trump more every day. I thought he was putting up an act during the campaign, but now I think he really is like that I'm kinda horrified. Like, he has the vocabulary of a 5 year old in all his rallies. I always cringed at the back of my mind of how stupid he sounds sometimes, but I wanted to keep supporting my candidate since I constantly feel like I have to defend him from the mainstream media. Maybe that was the point all along? What if the mainstream media was doing some kind of reverse psychology on me? Is this a psy-ops? Then I realized....why do I even NEED to defend him? I'm not benefiting from it. He's super rich so why should I care? I feel like I voted against my best interests. He's just disappointed me with all the people he's put around him too. Betsy DeVos? Omg I can't even believe I defended her. Steve Bannon? Ew. Mike Pence? Ew. I hate all those people. I wanna be a liberal again.

Maybe you know this and just wanted to vent, in that case ignore my response. But the reason they let you do that is that working in a team and also organizing a team are skills that are needed constantly in the workplace, especially if you want a better-paid job. (Yes, there are probably well-paid jobs for lone wolf coders and similar geniuses, but that's not very frequent.) Of course, in a workplace you won't experience the degrees of laziness and shirking you have now encountered at community college (although some of the things I've seen come close), So it's best to chalk it up as an experience from which you can learn vital lessons, in an environment where not too much depends on it. (And if it's a consolation, I also hated group projects back at school.)

Yeah I understand, but I just don't want to be the guy to ruin someone's grade and I don't like how we're supposed to "evaluate" each other.

Post subject: Re: Venting thread Reply with quote
When I did group projects back in school, at the slightest indication that my other team members were less than competent, I would normally take it upon myself to do the whole project for everyone, just so that I did not have to rely on such individuals and have them affect my grade.

Yep, that's what I've been doing so far. I go all out on shit like this.

[alynnidalar]

You guys hold extensive fake conversations with yourself too?? Oh good! I do that all the time, especially when I'm driving long distances (I get bored). I chalked it up to one of my quirks and didn't worry about it, but it's still nice to know it's evidently fairly common.

I frequently will talk as if I'm explaining a topic (e.g. the plot of a game or movie, a tech-related thing, etc.) or telling someone something new (e.g. something that happened to me, a dream I had, etc.). Sometimes I end up actually using this to talk to someone (it's like a "practice" mode so I can figure out what I want to say and how to say it), but more often it's just how I sort things out in my head. Especially if I'm really enjoying something (like a game), it's nice to get out all the things I feel about it without driving a real person crazy with hours of talking. Because I can have a lot of feelings about stuff.

When I'm not doing this, I tend to be writing little stories in my head… running through scenes with my characters from my conworlds. The ones I like, I usually rerun the basic scenario again and again, refining it. I often will write down a version of them eventually, although that sometimes "kills" the imaginary version for me because it now has a concrete existence.

[Travis B.]

Sigh, this shit does not end, does it? Could I have more than a day or so without delusions? Sure, they are definitely attenuated now, but I would like none not less of them. Is that too much to ask for?

(And oh, I am still hallucinating, not as intensely as at some times in the past, but it's still there...)

[jal]

(And oh, I am still hallucinating, not as intensely as at some times in the past, but it's still there...)

Broken brains, a joy forever... [/sarcasm]


JAL

[Imralu]

So, I have a doctor now who actually seems to want to help me. I had a blood test last week to make sure my kidneys and liver are holding up with the medication and we're seeing how I go with raising my dosage ...

... the problem is, she also recommended that I get something called Rescue Tropfen to get through acute phases of anxiety. Sounds like bullshit to me. I asked her if it was a placebo and she basically said "no, I have a tonne of anecdotes about it working" ... so I've just looked it up and it's a placebo (surprise!). So, not only does it cost money but, on ethical grounds, I'm against bullshit companies that make money selling placebos and undermining public knowledge of how shit works. There's so much of this shit in Germany,

But ... I'm worried that if I don't get Rescue Tropfen, she's going to see that as me not trying to help myself, and seeing that my even seeing her is an act of charity, I don't want to rock the boat. Maybe that's just me being paranoid and having issues with trust, but in my head, I feel like buying them means that she will be more willing to help me, and if I don't buy them, she will give up. She said it only really makes sense if you always carry it around with you ... and I'm sure this is just paranoia, but my brain is like "She's testing you! She wants to see it!" So ... I'm probably going to spend about 7 euros on some (hopefully nice smelling) flower water in an eye dropper and support a company getting rich of people's ignorance just because my mental health-care is out of the kindness of people's hearts and I don't trust people to be kind to me. That had better be some fucking nice flower water!

[Travis B.]

I would get a new psychiatrist, if possible, if my psychiatrist were trying to get me to spend money on placebos... especially in the place of a real prn that would actually work, like alprazolam or hydroxyzine.

On my side of things, my psych reduced my risperidone, because she thought removing my carbamazepine and thus increasing my risperidone blood levels was why I presented with quite the tremor. Considering I was still having some delusions and hallucinations even after the carbamazepine was removed, I am somewhat worried that I will get more psychotic symptoms now that my risperidone has been reduced. (I had to talk my psych out of reducing my risperidone down to 3 mg from 6 mg, so she reduced it to 4.5 mg instead.)

[Chagen]

I'm sorry I haven't been on in forever guys, so focused on being with new friends I forgot my old ones...

But in any case, my school is doing this thing where three times each school week students can come to this little place and pick up donated food/toiletries/etc. for absolutely free (only five food-items per day but that's still enough). Sounds great, right? Well, it is, but my mom saw it on the news yesterday and is now obsessed with making me go there and get all my food there. Why? Because she's a selfish piece of shit who wants more money for herself. She just wants to not spend any money feeding her own family so she can buy more stuff. She already takes half the grocery money each time my dad gives it to her...

I had to endure constant insults and being cursed at yesterday. I called her out on taking the money, and not only did she proudly admit to squandering it, she said, and I am directly quoting here, "once I get that money, it's mine and I can do whatever the fuck I want with it". My dad specifically calls it "the grocery money" so I dunno where the hell she got that impression.

Then she said that I'm "eating the family out of house and home" and I just...I'm not eating as much because there's not enough food in the house. I already have resorted to eating nothing but dinner, skipping breakfast and lunch entirely. Me and my dad have to go to the store to pick up some stuff constantly because she doesn't buy enough food. I don't fucking know guys, I think I'm gonna break soon, to be accused of eating all the food when I barely eat anymore is just...I can't take it anymore...

[elemtilas]

... the problem is, she also recommended that I get something called Rescue Tropfen to get through acute phases of anxiety. Sounds like bullshit to me. I asked her if it was a placebo and she basically said "no, I have a tonne of anecdotes about it working" ... so I've just looked it up and it's a placebo (surprise!). So, not only does it cost money but, on ethical grounds, I'm against bullshit companies that make money selling placebos and undermining public knowledge of how shit works. There's so much of this shit in Germany,

Well, good on you for doing your research! "Bach flower waters" are homeopathic nonsense, and you'd do well to save the seven euro for an emergency medication that will actually help you. You are really your own best advocate in your local health care system. If you really want to take what amounts to an over-priced shot of watered down brandy, then be my guest! In my estimation, you'd probably do better with a shot of actual brandy, but that's neither here nor there!

Tell this doctor you appreciate the suggestion, but that you did some research and believe that an actual pharmaceutical medication might be more helpful than homeopathic water. Basically, you can get the same benefit by drinking from your kitchen tap.

And it probably won't even smell like flowers! If the manufacturer bothers to do all those serial dilutions, there might just be one odor molecule left in the whole batch!

[elemtilas]

But anyway, time for some venting.
I hate group projects.
I hate them so so much.
In my demography class, the professor picks out two countries for us to do a demographic report on (one developed, one developing), and it is a collaborative effort. I don't know why every educational institute in America has to require this commie bullshit in their curriculum. I could probably do all of this by myself, because I think I would actually enjoy this, since I do it in my free time anyway.

Maybe you know this and just wanted to vent, in that case ignore my response. But the reason they let you do that is that working in a team and also organizing a team are skills that are needed constantly in the workplace, especially if you want a better-paid job. (Yes, there are probably well-paid jobs for lone wolf coders and similar geniuses, but that's not very frequent.) Of course, in a workplace you won't experience the degrees of laziness and shirking you have now encountered at community college (although some of the things I've seen come close), So it's best to chalk it up as an experience from which you can learn vital lessons, in an environment where not too much depends on it. (And if it's a consolation, I also hated group projects back at school.)

Heh. Lesson learnt from experience: position yourself for a good paying, lone wolf job! You'll be happier in the long run!

[din]

You guys hold extensive fake conversations with yourself too?? Oh good! I do that all the time, especially when I'm driving long distances (I get bored). I chalked it up to one of my quirks and didn't worry about it, but it's still nice to know it's evidently fairly common.

I frequently will talk as if I'm explaining a topic (e.g. the plot of a game or movie, a tech-related thing, etc.) or telling someone something new (e.g. something that happened to me, a dream I had, etc.). Sometimes I end up actually using this to talk to someone (it's like a "practice" mode so I can figure out what I want to say and how to say it), but more often it's just how I sort things out in my head. Especially if I'm really enjoying something (like a game), it's nice to get out all the things I feel about it without driving a real person crazy with hours of talking. Because I can have a lot of feelings about stuff.

When I'm not doing this, I tend to be writing little stories in my head… running through scenes with my characters from my conworlds. The ones I like, I usually rerun the basic scenario again and again, refining it. I often will write down a version of them eventually, although that sometimes "kills" the imaginary version for me because it now has a concrete existence.

Yup, 100%, exactly this. Now I'm wondering if it's something everybody does (to some extent), and that it's simply something we rarely talk about because we don't want others to think we're strange.

[Salmoneus]

So, I have a doctor now who actually seems to want to help me. I had a blood test last week to make sure my kidneys and liver are holding up with the medication and we're seeing how I go with raising my dosage ...

... the problem is, she also recommended that I get something called Rescue Tropfen to get through acute phases of anxiety. Sounds like bullshit to me. I asked her if it was a placebo and she basically said "no, I have a tonne of anecdotes about it working" ... so I've just looked it up and it's a placebo (surprise!). So, not only does it cost money but, on ethical grounds, I'm against bullshit companies that make money selling placebos and undermining public knowledge of how shit works. There's so much of this shit in Germany,

But ... I'm worried that if I don't get Rescue Tropfen, she's going to see that as me not trying to help myself, and seeing that my even seeing her is an act of charity, I don't want to rock the boat. Maybe that's just me being paranoid and having issues with trust, but in my head, I feel like buying them means that she will be more willing to help me, and if I don't buy them, she will give up. She said it only really makes sense if you always carry it around with you ... and I'm sure this is just paranoia, but my brain is like "She's testing you! She wants to see it!" So ... I'm probably going to spend about 7 euros on some (hopefully nice smelling) flower water in an eye dropper and support a company getting rich of people's ignorance just because my mental health-care is out of the kindness of people's hearts and I don't trust people to be kind to me. That had better be some fucking nice flower water!

While they don't work any better than a placebo, placebos can have positive effects. Moreover, just having the ritual of getting and taking your rescue thing can have a positive effect. I know somebody who swears by the stuff, despite not actually 'believing' it. So it might be worth trying it, even if you know it's just a way to trick your own brain. After all, your brain plays tricks on you, why not trick it back?
[although eyedrops sounds weird and off-putting. The NHS here uses little sweets made from the stuff. You can also get it as an infusion, and probably a bunch of other ways too.]

[Travis B.]

This isn't a vent, but since it is a follow-up to a previous post here I figure I'd post here. Well, at 4.5 mg risperidone, down from 6 mg, I still have a tremor on one hand, but I am having no more psychotic symptoms than before on the other, which is good. (For more of a vent, I did, however, think someone would poison my food at lunch today, and that someone would tamper with my tablet if it got out of arms reach (I was in a coffee shop) yesterday, amongst a variety of other, more minor psychotic thoughts. I hate being crazy.)

[Travis B.]

When I am alone, I find things I think about sometimes end up getting said aloud, usually just short phrases or individual words, without really doing so intentionally. Or sometimes I will mouth things without actually saying them aloud, especially when I am in environments where no one would see me but people could hear me.

[Imralu]

Changing doctor's is not really possible. Because of my insurance situation, as I'm not covered for mental, I'm a charity case. She's the doctor I changed to and she's so much better than the last arsehole. And she wasn't recommending homoeopathic shit instead of anything, just additionally. The main problem for me is my paranoia that her effort with me may depend on me playing along. I don't know how realistic that is. I can't tell if it's just my inclination not to trust anyone I depend on, or if it's realistic. (I mean, ideally I'd like a doctor who believes in the scientific method, but, you know, I'll settle for nice and can prescribe me things. She seems pretty competent in other ways, and, I'm in Germany, so it'll be hard to find one better. There's literally a "school of homoeopathy in my street, about ten houses down the road!?)

In any case, a friend of mine saved the day by giving me the remainder of his pack of another homoeopathic thingie that does the same thing (ie. nothing, but it's also allegedly for the same purpose so, yeah, that too). Weird coincidence. He says they work for him and he decided to give them to me. They're little pills. Taste like nothing, slightly sweet at the end. So I can tell her that I have these. If she asks why I didn't get exactly what she recommended, I can say I had a friend's recommendation and I wasn't too keen on the eye dropper. There's my worry about that gone, at least temporarily.

And yeah, I know the placebo effect can be helpful, especially with things like anxiety, but doesn't that depend on believing that it's going to work? Like, if you know something a placebo, you could just do anything as a little superstitious ritual that could work. (Would be amusing if I asked people to kiss my head better.) I'm too cynical, lol. I'm still giving it a go though because, maybe if I pretend that it might work it will. I've been able to self-soothe a bit at times by patting myself on the shoulder or arm and addressing myself by name, telling myself that it's OK, and it's like a little self-care moment where I'm focussing on my own well-being rather than just trying to not cry in public or not get stressed out. I guess I can make taking an imaginary tablet part of this, a symbolic gesture to myself, and sucking on something that gradually gets sweeter as it crumbles is probably a nice sensory distraction too.

Anyway, I don't need to worry so much about the doctor, and I haven't (directly) supported this bullshit industry. And I think it's really sweet of my friend to give me his bottle of them, because he thinks they work, so, aww, I love him for his consideration, and only because I mentioned having anxiety problems a week ago.

[finlay]

I really need to stop staying up till 3.... I just get engrossed in my stupid film cataloguing project. I should know when to call it a day.

I mean actually I'm up because I was annoyed about my boyfriend phoning and saying he couldn't make it... at 11pm, hours after he should have realized he couldn't come and informed me. I seriously keep telling him that it's OK to not be able to make it, especially when he has a good excuse like being at a funeral (for someone he's not so close to but he had to take his mum there), but it's not OK to keep me in the dark and keep me up waiting. I'd have not been so upset if he'd told me at about 6 or 7, when he'd presumably be able to realize that he wouldn't make it here, and that would give me a heads-up and let me plan my evening differently.

Fucking sick of that. I mean we also still don't see each other often enough, only once every three weeks or so. Still don't know what I'm waiting/hoping for.

[Travis B.]

Being a crazy (in this case, psychotic) person is tiring, and while the worried-I-might-just-lose-insight-and-be-dragged-off-to-involuntary stage of things is over, I now am left with persistent psychotic thoughts, albeit ones that are somewhat attenuated in force, that do not go away for more than about a day or so at a time, such that things have gone from scary to tiresome. This is probably an improvement but also means that there is still plenty of room for things to get better, and that things are not really getting better beyond the point at which they are now. I wonder how long I will have to deal with these - hopefully my psych will increase my cariprazine enough that these are actually quashed rather than merely attenuated, but she is being very conservative, as usual, about dosing. Sigh. Psychosis fucking sucks.