The Contradictory Feelings Thread

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Travis B.
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Re: The Contradictory Feelings Thread

Post by Travis B. »

But the reality is that people do cheat in supposedly monogamous relationships. If I recall correctly, the overall rate for married couples being unfaithful is roughly 1 in 2, i.e. a certainly non-negligible rate.

And since when does one have to tell one's partner that one is getting an STD test?
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Re: The Contradictory Feelings Thread

Post by Pthagnar »

Travis B. wrote:And since when does one have to tell one's partner that one is getting an STD test?
Why would you especially avoid the topic, if there is nothing suspicious about it?

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Re: The Contradictory Feelings Thread

Post by Travis B. »

Pthagnar wrote:
Travis B. wrote:And since when does one have to tell one's partner that one is getting an STD test?
Why would you especially avoid the topic, if there is nothing suspicious about it?
I mean, if openly getting one is going to be potentially a problem for one's relationship, as you state, why not just keep it between oneself and one's doctor (assuming it comes out clean at least)? It is quite common for people to go to other doctor visits by themselves, so why not do the same here?
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Pthagnar
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Re: The Contradictory Feelings Thread

Post by Pthagnar »

Travis B. wrote:I mean, if openly getting one is going to be potentially a problem for one's relationship, as you state, why not just keep it between oneself and one's doctor (assuming it comes out clean at least)?
Because you can just... not have one, and not encourage paranoia in yourself and weaken the trust in your marriage... Oh shit, you got me! Finally, I explicitly come out and say 'woah woah, what, that's too many STI tests!'. I'm fucking Controversy Man saying controversial things like "if you're in a good faithful marriage and you don't really have any evidence your wife is sleeping with somebody else behind your back, maybe try putting those thoughts behind you and trusting her, rather than succumbing to the temptation to think that she's a lying whore, scaring yourself and slyly getting an STI test!".

That generalises *really fucking well* to "I, Pthagnar, am vehemently against regular testing for STDs" in case you felt like having a try.

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Re: The Contradictory Feelings Thread

Post by Travis B. »

Well, no one is making you getting tested, and if one completely trusts one's partner, has reason to do so, and knows that one has not been carrying anything from before one's current relationship (e.g. one had no previous partners or one got tested after one's last previous partner past the time period it takes for HIV to appear on tests), it could be argued that forgoing the testing might not be that bad of an idea.

The key part here is that this does require one's partner to be completely faithful, which still is not a given, and not something one can necessarily know. Also, if one has not been tested since one's previous partner it would probably still be a good idea to get tested, at least one time past the window it would take for HIV to appear on tests.
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Re: The Contradictory Feelings Thread

Post by Pthagnar »

Travis B. wrote:The key part here is that this does require one's partner to be completely faithful, which still is not a given, and not something one can necessarily know.
That's why it's called TRUST. Why not make your teenage daughters get them as well?

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Re: The Contradictory Feelings Thread

Post by Torco »

I love how getting an STD test is a bad thing that bad people do, instead of a responsible action that is characteristic of a careful and sensible person. Imagine that in any other field of medical treatment:

- if you don't really have any history of smoking maybe try putting those thoughts behind you, rather than succumbing to the temptation of getting tested for lung cancer.

- if you don't really have any lumps in your boobs maybe try putting those thoughts behind you, rather than succumbing to the temptation and slyly going to some stranger's office and having them fondle and defy you, weakening your husband's trust in you.

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Re: The Contradictory Feelings Thread

Post by Pthagnar »

Torco wrote:I love how getting an STD test is a bad thing that bad people do, instead of a responsible action that is characteristic of a careful and sensible person
I hate how you're incapable of saying true statements about what I think [Hasn't been much good so far, but here goes: STD tests are bad things that good and bad people do. They are a responsible action, characteristic of an increasingly uncareful and senseless person, depending on the degree of fear and justification that surrounds taking them.]. I have not said either of these. But if you want to talk about being careful and sensible, then there are many people who are more careful and sensible than the typical "scene" homosexual and his approach to fucking.

NE: and yes, there are excellent reasons not to screen people who aren't at risk for diseases. bayes fucking theorem and overdiagnosis! this is precisely why NOT ALL WOMEN HAVE ROUTINE MAMMOGRAM SCREENS. and fuck you again for the irrelevant "tits are for husbands only!" remark -- irrelevant because adultery is not a potential cause of contracting breast cancer, but it *is* a potential cause of contracting STIs. I... really don't know why you would make such a substitution, ignoring the functional part of that example. Like, you might as well have said 'a sprained wrist' [although overexcited wanking, such as one may give to a new and exciting lover could lead to that, I guess!] and it would have substituted as poorly. I suppose you could have made it based on the connection that STIs and breast cancer are both sexy. But then that would mean you didn't follow the reasoning through, and so shut up torco.

NNE: and I checked, in the UK we do not indeed have lung cancer screening -- not even for smokers! http://www.cancerresearchuk.org/cancer- ... -screening the science is not in yet as to whether it is worthwhile, and if it is worthwhile, then for which populations.

NNNE: plus, on the scale of "god just hates you" to "this is all your fault, go off to the leprosarium and you're disinherited", STIs are closer to the latter than cancer. Although that's interesting, come to think of it. Smoking tobacco is the main cause of lung cancer, so when public policy is formulated and when people think about their own lives, should we also ignore the "smoking gives you..." side and just stick to "...LUNG CANCER! 1 IN N PEOPLE HAVE LUNG CANCER! SO GET TESTED! IT'S GOT ELECTROLYTES!"?

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Re: The Contradictory Feelings Thread

Post by Legion »

I too get tested regularly to see if I have AIDS. Of course I am still a virgin, but you never know, many people catch AIDS everyday, what if I'm one of them??? What do you mean "not at risk"???

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Re: The Contradictory Feelings Thread

Post by Drydic »

Legion wrote:I too get tested regularly to see if I have AIDS. Of course I am still a virgin, but you never know, many people catch AIDS everyday, what if I'm one of them??? What do you mean "not at risk"???
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Re: The Contradictory Feelings Thread

Post by Thry »

True; even if you're a virgin you could've gotten it maternally.

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Re: The Contradictory Feelings Thread

Post by Pthagnar »

i dunno. legion strikes me as being the kind of person who wouldn't even sit on a public toilet seat, but would just hover and get shit and piss everywhere.

you know,

a frenchman

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Re: The Contradictory Feelings Thread

Post by Kereb »

i am led to understand the above is SOP in hong kong

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Re: The Contradictory Feelings Thread

Post by sangi39 »

Earlier this afternoon, my wife told me that while she still liked me, she no longer loved me or felt any romantic or sexual attraction towards me. Though this was initially a bit of a shock, thinking about it, it wasn't really surprising. We have been having conversations for the past month about how we've both changed, that the fourteen months spent living with my mother had led us to drift apart and so on.

After a while I started to feel more relaxed and happier, as if I had been unhappy and stressed for months without realising it. Obviously it's sad that things took the turn that they did throughout our marriage (illness, financial difficulties, loss of various forms of attraction), but I feel no sadness, anger or hatred towards our splitting up.

I suppose the odd thing, really, is that we're planning on still living in the same flat (but sleeping in different bedrooms), contributing equally to bills and our overdrafts, etc. We have 3 pets, the same friends, neither of us can afford to support ourselves on our own and moving for her would involve several trips back down south.

Overall it was a fairly easy process and we're both happy with our decisions. Whether it being so easy is a good thing or not, and whether our planned living situation works out or not... we'll see.
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Re: The Contradictory Feelings Thread

Post by Kereb »

may i suggest you treat this living situation as being very temporary and transitional and that you begin immediately to bend your efforts towards finding a way to move out

i don't have all the experience in the world and i have not been married but i say this as someone who tried living with an ex from a relationship of some years and it was not a happy situation
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Re: The Contradictory Feelings Thread

Post by Torco »

yeah, i second that. tough break, man.
also, it won't be so easy. the mourning and problems and stuff will come eventually. these things don't end painlessly.

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Re: The Contradictory Feelings Thread

Post by Radius Solis »

I respectfully "meh" on the above advice - if the time comes that Sangi needs to find a way to move out, then he will surely do so.

There's all sorts of baggage that's expected to go along with exes and "breakups", but it doesn't always. I continued living with my ex for most of a year after we were through and were friends for a few years beyond that; it went well enough. And not because we were mature sane rational adults or some such - we were none of those - but, IMO, because the relationship did not end with hard feelings or a "breakup" but by gradual attenuation into something more platonic.

So it can work out.

Sangi, I wish you well.

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Re: The Contradictory Feelings Thread

Post by ol bofosh »

Last year I had a couple of weeks drinking coffee daily but I started to get sick of it after a while. Best keep it as a treat for a couple of times a week. I couldn't do without PG Tips/Tetley though (thank God for tourists and expats, without which there'd be no demand and thus no supply).
It was about time I changed this.

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Re: The Contradictory Feelings Thread

Post by Salmoneus »

Radius Solis wrote:I respectfully "meh" on the above advice - if the time comes that Sangi needs to find a way to move out, then he will surely do so.

There's all sorts of baggage that's expected to go along with exes and "breakups", but it doesn't always. I continued living with my ex for most of a year after we were through and were friends for a few years beyond that; it went well enough. And not because we were mature sane rational adults or some such - we were none of those - but, IMO, because the relationship did not end with hard feelings or a "breakup" but by gradual attenuation into something more platonic.

So it can work out.

Sangi, I wish you well.
Indeed, the whole " 'love'>'inability to stand each other's presence' " progression is more an artistic trope than a reflection of reality, especially when there's been no catastrophic incident that precipitated the breakup (which both parties can then continue to feel aggrieved by). I'm given to understand it's also far less likely with couples who have been together for longer - I know quite a few older couples who have separated, but who either live together or who otherwise live in very close contact with each other.
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Re: The Contradictory Feelings Thread

Post by Kereb »

Radius Solis wrote:I respectfully "meh" on the above advice - if the time comes that Sangi needs to find a way to move out, then he will surely do so.

There's all sorts of baggage that's expected to go along with exes and "breakups", but it doesn't always. I continued living with my ex for most of a year after we were through and were friends for a few years beyond that; it went well enough. And not because we were mature sane rational adults or some such - we were none of those - but, IMO, because the relationship did not end with hard feelings or a "breakup" but by gradual attenuation into something more platonic.

So it can work out.

Sangi, I wish you well.
well yeah your mileage may vary of course
my experience was that we probably COULD have stayed friends, had we taken a break from one another and then come back together. Trying to go straight from breakup (yeah that was probably a factor) to "friends" was more painful than it was worth
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Re: The Contradictory Feelings Thread

Post by Astraios »

Heavy snow is falling in Jerusalem, but none of it where I live. This is good because it means I'm not freezing, but it's bad because I want some.

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Re: The Contradictory Feelings Thread

Post by Astraios »

Well, I guess that's solved. The view from my window:

Image

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Re: The Contradictory Feelings Thread

Post by finlay »

how is there snow in jerusalem? i thought it was like, a desert.

it's quite warm in tokyo today actually.

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Re: The Contradictory Feelings Thread

Post by Astraios »

It's high up, and it's the first high place west of the Mediterranean.

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Re: The Contradictory Feelings Thread

Post by finlay »

...east? :P

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