Venting thread that still excludes eddy (2)

[KathTheDragon]

/galn/ /gεln/

I can pronounce these fine, but if your anon spoke a dialect that vocalises coda /l/, it could be more effort. I know it feels awkward for me to force a coda rhotic.

That said, just ignore the anon. If having their opinions recognised and acted upon were important to them, they wouldn't be anonymous, and they wouldn't be hating.

[linguoboy]

If you can say /alm/ and /εlm/, then /galn/ and /gεln/ should be no problem.

[Travis B.]

I have no problem pronouncing those, and I have a l-vocalizing dialect; to me those are [kã(ː)ɤ̃n] and [kɜ̃(ː)ɤ̃n]. Or if you mean actual [ɡaln] and [ɡɛln], I would have some trouble with those... but because I can't really pronounce [ɡ], at least unless it is preceded by a vowel (in this case belonging to a preceding word) and also followed by a vowel; I have no trouble with coda [l], even though to me [l] is a foreign sound (e.g. I have no trouble pronouncing [l] in German).

[Travis B.]

Well the 100 mg quetiapine isn't really working enough... and I'm hallucinating more than before. I assume that a higher dose is needed, and that will probably make me hallucinate more than I am now.

[finlay]

So this morning someone online decided to give me some abuse via social media about conlanging. Apparently conlanging is stupid, pointless and my conlang is too hard to pronounce anyway. The "too hard to pronounce" words they were referring to are /galn/ /gεln/, which cannot be hard for any English speaker, surely? This is the only time that anyone has done this to me, so I wonder how often it happens to more well-known, higher-profile conlangers with an online presence...

mate, their twitter is full of schoolgirl anime and they weren't even directly addressing you, they were completely backhanding you... take the moral high ground, this kind of person is not worth your attention...

[Jonlang]

So this morning someone online decided to give me some abuse via social media about conlanging. Apparently conlanging is stupid, pointless and my conlang is too hard to pronounce anyway. The "too hard to pronounce" words they were referring to are /galn/ /gεln/, which cannot be hard for any English speaker, surely? This is the only time that anyone has done this to me, so I wonder how often it happens to more well-known, higher-profile conlangers with an online presence...

mate, their twitter is full of schoolgirl anime and they weren't even directly addressing you, they were completely backhanding you... take the moral high ground, this kind of person is not worth your attention...

I invited them to my Facebook page for my conlanging (which was nowhere near as active, as I already have a Tumblr and Twitter for it) so that they may learn something of conlanging and see that it isn't "pointless". And seeing as the FB comments happened on the same day, and they used identical language it has to be the same person. I'm not giving her any more attention, in fact the Facebook page is gone because it's a waste of time, Twitter and Tumblr seem to be better paces for it. I'm told that Reddit is good too but I've never really used it - only when a Reddit page has come up as a Google result.

It's very odd how people behave online compared to real-life. I would't go around telling people that their interests are pointless or stupid, even if I may think it. Like people who go plane spotting - not something I really understand the enjoyment of, but it doesn't hurt anyone so live and let live. Anyway, rant over. Back to fudging up my conlanging efforts...

[Chagen]

I took my ADHD meds today. I am now experiencing a very draining sort of prolonged panic attack and anxiety. It's not a huge burst of panic all at once, but I have this dread for the future and the feeling that I am wasting my time, except nothing I do can assuage this feeling. Perhaps I accidentally took two pills, but that's unlikely as I feel no formication on my skin.

I took it just fine yesterday. All I'm doing today is that I grabbed my dad's laptop, as my own is basically falling apart. I set up an account on his laptop and have been spending the past two hours or so getting all my various programs set up. I actually find the act of setting up a computer for the first time to be a very peaceful and soothing experience, but not while this anxiety is still happening.

I've been having more and more anxiety as I slowly come to realize that my "give literally zero fucks about school this semester" ploy was actually A Terrible Idea^TM.

I have a LOT of things I want to do today--watch some anime, work on my stories for a decent amount of time, get a bunch of writing done (more than I have been for the past two days at least), maybe read. And it's already nearly 3PM. I think this is the ultimate source for my anxiety, because there's no way I'll be able to complete all the stuff I want to do in one day, and it's ridiculous for me to even assume I can. For instance, these are all the anime I want to watch:

Re:Zero 1-25
Flip Flappers 1-5
Brave Witches 3-4
Girlish Number 5 (whenever the damn thing comes out)
Stella No Mahou 1 (unsure if I want to continue watching past that)
Yuri!!! On Ice 1-5

39 episodes. Roughly 19 and a half hours. I can't do this all in one night nor do I want to. But I feel like I have to everything RIGHT NOW. Gotta finish writing RIGHT NOW. Gotta watch stuff RIGHT NOW. Gotta get all these programs on my dad's comp RIGHT NOW.

I wish I had a job and lived alone, or lived off of disability and lived alone. At least my future would be somewhat set then. Instead of this hell where I have no idea where the hell my life is going, while also accelerating my own spiral into despair through my fucked-up neuroses and behavior.

Alternatively, this serves as a warning to actually watch anime when it airs instead of putting it off lazily.

[Axiem]

A number of years ago, I realized that no matter how much I tried, it would be impossible for me to even read/watch the 1% best media ever, because the volume of things people have created is so high, that it would take ages just to experience even a tiny fraction of it.

Since then, I've made peace a lot more with just...not watching things anymore. Maybe someday I'd like to catch up on Doctor Who, or read those books on my nightstand. I'll get to it sooner or later. It's okay if I don't.

Along with this, I gave up caring much about spoilers.

It was a hard frame of mind to get into, really. But now that I have, I feel so much happier for it. Having kids and the sudden time constraints they enforce likely helped.

[snappdragon]

LINUX IS THE BEST.

[Chagen]

Well, I decided to actually do something about it today I got tired of always sitting around doing nothing on the internet every day straight, never even doing other fun things like reading a book or playing games or watching shows or whatever. So I sat down at my laptop and wrote out a schedule/planner for the day, and made sure to follow it the best I could, also making sure to not use the internet unless my schedule required it (and even then, to not use anything but the sites I needed for the task at hand).

And...I feel so accomplished. I feel like I've actually done stuff today. I not only caught up a little on anime, I wrote for an hour and cleaned my room. My memory feels much stronger when I write down the things I want to do. I don't feel like I'm wasting time and my anxiety mostly cleared up for the day. This feels great. I'm going to keep planning out my day like this from now on, though I'll obviously have to be flexible.

Granted, the fact that I have to literally tell myself, in writing, "have fun" or I wont do it is kind of sad. And maybe it's not healthy to meticulously plan out the day like this in the long run (I did find myself wishing I could keep writing after my allotted one hour was up). But this is a really nice way of coping with ADHD. Merely writing things down made me remember what I wanted to do without consulting the planner. I've never been like that. Making the planner also incentivizes me to actually do the things on it since now I have an actual goal and standard to meet.

(This is probably more for the Happy Things thread, but this whole planner thing came to me after I made my post above)

[Travis B.]

I have terrible avolition in all moods. I used to* be very paranoid in all moods. I used to* hallucinate in all moods. I know what this means.

* i.e. prior to risperidone

[linguoboy]

If there's no vomiting, then I think loss of sleep is the worst part of food poisoning. Lying there, too tired and exhausted to enjoy anything, but unable to nod off because you don't know when the next bout of cramps or diarrhoea is coming, is a kind of torture.

(Of course, whenever this hits, I find myself asking, Is this how my husband feels all the time?)

[Travis B.]

And the closer I look the worse it gets.... I also often have difficulty understanding English spoken by people speaking loud enough and close enough that I really should understand them, and I also not infrequently have to try hard to keep myself from breaking into inappropriate laughter....

God I'm a mess.

[jal]

Welp, that's my venting for the day.

I forgot to respond, but I'd like to say I find it pretty admirable you're taking care of your sibblings, even if that causes your life to be something you wouldn't want it to be. Thumbs up!

God I'm a mess.

You're taking pretty serious drugs. Anyone can become a mess with that...


JAL

[Travis B.]

And... I've been having quite a bit of paranoia from yesterday evening through today. Either I need more antipsychotic or one of my antipsychotics is causing it. (I seriously hope the latter; after all said antipsychotic was already making me hallucinate.)

I need to call my psych today but no one's in the office yet.

[Travis B.]

God I'm a mess.

You're taking pretty serious drugs. Anyone can become a mess with that...

Nah, I was worse before what I am on now than afterwards. Severe mood symptoms and frequent episodes of severe paranoia suck ass. (I'm doing much better mood-wise now, and my current episode of paranoia isn't nearly as bad.)

[Herra Ratatoskr]

Welp, that's my venting for the day.

I forgot to respond, but I'd like to say I find it pretty admirable you're taking care of your sibblings, even if that causes your life to be something you wouldn't want it to be. Thumbs up!

Thanks man. I'm just glad to be through the weekend at this point.

[Chagen]

I told a trump voter to his face that he was an embodiement of everything wrong with American politics, and when he asked me to explain myself I said that even attempting to "engage" with a maliciously stupid people like him was giving his "politics" far more credit than they ever deserved (the only thing a facist deserves is their head bloodily smashed against the curb).

Unfortunately this was in a public chatroom with a bunch of long time friends of mine. I haven't had an outburst like that there before and I'm worried people will avoid me new.

[Travis B.]

I've openly denounced every single Trump voter, period, in a chat room before, without any consequences - of course most of the people there to my knowledge, either is voting Democrat, third-party, or not at all, or if they don't live in the US, still oppose Trump.

[Chagen]

I have another thing I wanted to mention but got sidetracked from.

I have been chatting with these people for a while and I try to be as nice as possible to them. However, I wonder: am I really being nice--or am I truly a manipulative sociopath who's simply plying them for praise and pity? I will admit, that I often will vent or ask for some e-hugs. Is this right? Is it normal for a human to extort support from friends like this, or is this proof that I'm actually manipulating them for praise and hugs? This is why I hate having no social skills. I'm fundamentally lacking a part of the regular human experience.

I try to be nice to these people because I want to. But can I trust my own brain? After all, my subconscious is unknown to me. I can already see the cracks, such as how I try to be even more nice to the known girls in the chat in hopes that they will let me talk with them more privately (including, yes, as sad as it makes me sound, doing those kinds of things), and because hearing girls call me nice makes me feel good. Am I really being nice, or a creepy pervert stalking girls on the internet?

These people are circular pictures on discord. They are not "real" friends. They don't know what I look like, and I only know what a few of them look like because they post pictures sometimes. Still, I feel worryingly attached to them. I feel sad when I can't talk to them. I feel like I belong with them. Is this what having friends is like? What having a group you can rely on for support feels like? There's this one girl in particular--she is damn near my dream girl. I feel worryingly attached to her even more than the others. I'm so terrified of pissing her off. At the same time, I feel self-loathing that I'm falling in love with a girl over the internet I have known for less than two weeks. That is how pathetically starved of human contact I am. She is my friend, and even at one point said I was too sweet to ever be mean to someone. So I'm not just some creeper following her. Still, I doubt she has even one-quarter the amount of attachment to me as I do to her. That this attachment of mine is pretty much entirely rooted in lust (it's a long story) is also a mark of how fucked up I am.

This is why I should not binge-read Existential Comics. I'm starting to have a philosophical crisis about whether I can truly trust my own actions. Am I actually a kind and sweet person, or just a cruel manipulator who plies others for praise and pity? If I am the latter, I do not even know it, which makes it even worse. In fact, I could be doing it right now! I probably am! I spend so much time worried about whether or I'm a piece of shit not because I am actually worried about being a piece of shit, but so I can cry about it in places like this thread and bleed pity from you all!

On the other hand: are my actions not the only thing that matter in the end? My internal mental self--my consciousness, you could say--is completely immaterial and divorced from the physical world. To everyone else, the only part of my they see is my physical self--that is, the things I do. Even if I write down my internal thoughts, they are reading a version filtered from my imperfect knowledge of my self, and they still cannot truly understand me. Therefore, if I am acting nice, then I am "nice", since to an outside observer my conscious desires are impossible to know.

Hell, I don't know my own self. The "Chagen" you all know could just be a construct I invented to hide my own inner ugliness. But is that not true for all human interaction? The "Chagen" you guys know is far different from the "Chagen" my parents know--the former is a depressed bisexual nerd suffering from severe anxiety and stress--the latter is an ambiguously-orientated (but presumed to be straight) angry (for seemingly no reason) young adult who hides away in his room all day and never talks with anyone.

Only I could derive a philosophical crisis from online chatrooms.

[Travis B.]

I don't see anything odd about different people seeing different aspects of oneself. E.g. my parents see me as a mild-mannered* guy who is somewhat depressed sometimes who has a daughter and who works as a programmer. Here I'm not somewhat depressed, I'm seriously mentally ill. Same thing with Liz; she sees that aspect of me that my parents are not really aware of.

* They remember me as a somewhat militant anarchist in the past, but to them that was ages ago, where in reality I've flirted with it on and off since then, albeit minus the militancy.

[Chagen]

I know, but it makes me wonder if the "self" really exists. To pseudo-philosophize for a bit:

The only way one can understand one's supposed "self" is interaction with others. An isolated man on an island is unable to know himself, because he has no interactions with which to showcase his beliefs, personality, and philosophy. He cannot know if he is nice, because he has no one to be nice to. He cannot know if he is mentally ill or sane, because he has no reference to check his mental sanity against. He does not even know if he is short or tall, or skinny or fat, or strong or weak, because all of those traits are relative to other humans. Likewise, even if he has a consistent philosophy, he cannot enact or live by this philosophy (unless it concerns only himself, but that's not really a philosophy) nor does he know any other philosophies to contest or support.

In the end, only what occurs on the material world matters--you can say that you are kind and charitable, but that is worthless without actual actions to show it (I personally believe that the only things that matter are what we can either gather empirically from our senses or induct with reasoning acquired from empirical data).

However, we can never truly express our true selves, as we are not only coralled in by philosophy and culture, but we also put on a large variety of masks when interacting. These masks are only small slivers of our supposed selves, and can often be completely contradictory! In other words, the self can only be known through interaction with others, but at the same time we construct many different identities when interacting with others. Therefore:

Premise: The only to know one's "self" is through interaction with others.

Premise: People only showcase small fractions of their "selves" when interacting with others, like actors switching masks

Premise: These fractions are the only thing others see of us. No other human therefore knows of our true "self"

Conclusion: The "self" as a holistic self-contained unit does not exist. Rather, what we call "self" is in actuality a collection of disparate identities we craft to interact with others.

I'm pretty sure some philosopher has said the above in much more strongly-supported and logical method, and that my reasoning has a huge amount of holes in it. Honestly, I don't really believe it myself, but it's what my crisis is leading me towards.

(Incidentally, this is why I do not believe that philosophical zombies exist or could exist; or, rather, that if they did their supposed "differences" from regular humans would be completely irrelevant)

[Travis B.]

The thing is different "masks" one has may be closer to what one actually believes and feels than others. Some are likely to more closely approximate one's "true self" than others.

Also, how you conceptualize one's "self" seems to imply that one cannot have beliefs and feelings by oneself, that no one else sees. I am inclined to disagree with this.

(This also implies that one cannot have mental illness that one keeps hidden from everyone else.)

[Chagen]

I had to do the incredibly painful task if forgiving two Trump supporters today. Perhaps I was weak, but I couldn't bear it in my heart to cut myself off from them. They are much nicer than other Trump supporters and one even comforted me after I had an emotional breakdown fun the election results so...yeah.

But they are the only ones I will ever forgive.

[jal]

.


JAL