Venting thread that still excludes eddy (2)

[Imralu]

Ah, Travis, I know this well. I've lost my two remaining grandparents in the last couple of years and felt nothing about either of them simply because I didn't know them really and had no reason to particularly like them either. I only felt a bit concerned for my mum.

I cried when the lady at the corner shop died - she was kind of like a grandmother to me, but even that time, I was mostly crying because of how it affected my mum. My mum and I weren't on good terms at the time because I had had the gall to have depression and she was somehow acting angry about it, honestly I think because she blamed herself deep down. And in this period, when I didn't want anything to do with her, she got news of the death and came to me and I held her while she sobbed ... so a few hours later, when I cried, I wasn't even sure if I was crying about the death of this nice old lady I'd known and liked all my life, or if I was just exhausted from dealing with my mother's emotions. In any case, no reason to feel bad for not feeling bad.

Alynnidalar, that's awful and I hope she and the baby are safe. :-/ And I hope you're right about this creep's brother being more decent too.

Update from my last post: the guy said no to the room the next day. That stressed me out for a bit. Also, the guy I had a crush on is straight and just incredibly friendly. But there's a positive side to both of these things - we've found a new flatmate, a friend of my other flatmate who's staying. He's nice. And when he's there, the three of us speak English and after two years, I've realised that I get on much better with my other flatmate in English. And the hot straight guy is also really heckin nice and we get on really well, so I guess I've got me a new friend. I immediately stopped feeling nervous once I knew he's straight. I wrote more about these things in the fluency thread in Swahili if anyone's interested.

I'm nervous about taking on the role of leaseholder for the flat :-/ Responsibility. :-/////

[Vijay]

I've said this before, but I've lost a lot of relatives in my family, and when one dies, I don't feel much as a result. For me, I think it's mostly just because a) I don't know them that well anyway and b) it happens so often it's basically routine and there isn't much left for me to feel.

[Pole, the]

Years ago, my grandparents from my father's side died, but — since my parents were separated and then divorced for most of my life and I lived with my mother's family — I almost didn't remember it and it didn't mean much to me.

Then, my great-grandmother died. I did know her, but we didn't have a good relationship, and when it happened, I was busy with studying, so again, it wasn't a great deal.

Last year, my grandmother from my mom's side died and, well, it did hurt much this time. I've lived with her almost my whole life and she was a very close person to me. And it was quite sudden — just a few days earlier, we've been all enjoying the summer break, with my grandfather, my aunt (her daughter) and her family. As you could probably judge from a couple of my posts from that time, I was quite emotionally shaken…

So, yeah, I guess, it all depends on how well you know that person. If it's not somebody particularly close to you, then it's okay not to feel bad.

[Imralu]

Yeah. If we were devastated by everyone's death, we'd be miserable all the time. If your emotions handle these events better than you thought, it's not a sign of anything horrible. I really don't get the impression that you're cold or lacking in empathy.

[alynnidalar]

[quick update on my cousin: she and her baby are safe, with relatives, and hopefully will stay that way for the foreseeable future. Still a terrible situation for her and I know she's got a long road ahead of her, but I had a chance to talk to her and she seems to be doing OK, so that's good!]

[Salmoneus]

So, yeah, I guess, it all depends on how well you know that person. If it's not somebody particularly close to you, then it's okay not to feel bad.

It's also about how expected it was. Often, bereavement is as much about shock as it is about grief - suddenly a big part of what you thought was your life isn't there anymore and it's like walking around your house but there's a big hole in the floor. Yes, it matters how big the hole is and whether it's in the middle of your house or out in a little-used room. But there's also a big difference between that happening overnight and that happening with advanced warning. Often when grandparents (etc) die, it doesn't shock us, because even if there wasn't a known terminal condition, on some level we were basically expecting it in the near future anyway. It feels natural and unthreatening. Whereas if someone we know who is young and seemingly healthy suddenly dies it can shock us more, even if we didn't care as much about them.

Also, guilt. Bereavement is often made a lot worse by guilt - the ways you could have helped keep them alive, or the things you should have done for them before they died. If you think you've done OK, or if you don't think you had much responsibility in that direction, it doesn't hurt as much.

[which is why I've always been pretty devastated by pets dying, but don't really get too emotional about relatives dying. It's not that I care more about the pets, but that I feel responsible for them in a way I don't feel regarding relatives (what with there being other relatives, and doctors, and the person themselves)]

[linguoboy]

But there's also a big difference between that happening overnight and that happening with advanced warning. Often when grandparents (etc) die, it doesn't shock us, because even if there wasn't a known terminal condition, on some level we were basically expecting it in the near future anyway. It feels natural and unthreatening. Whereas if someone we know who is young and seemingly healthy suddenly dies it can shock us more, even if we didn't care as much about them.

I've been noticing this from my conversations with other widow(er)s. When it comes to dealing with the grief, how sudden/unexpected the loss was is significant--though perhaps not more significant than your attitudes toward death and dying in general. (The one I probably feel the most rapport with lost her husband suddenly, but grew up with very little in the way of taboos when it came to talking about death and dying with loved ones.)

[Imralu]

Suddenly drowning in anxiety and sadness

[Imralu]

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

My house is full of people and I'm afraid to leave my room and I can't breathe

[Imralu]

OK now

[hwhatting]

OK now

Good! (Sorry I saw your posts just now.)

[linguoboy]

What is it with Americans and cinnamon? THERE ARE OTHER WARM SPICES, PEOPLE!

[Vijay]

And they don't even try using it in savory things.

Surely no spice can be "warmer" that bhut zolokia.

EDIT: Wait, never mind. I guess that honor now goes to the Carolina Reaper.

[Pole, the]

What is it with Americans and cinnamon? THERE ARE OTHER WARM SPICES, PEOPLE!

I've recently bought a box of American jellybean sweets, and one of the tastes was labelled “cinnamon” — but it tasted like curry or other spicy things, and not really like cinnamon…

[KathTheDragon]

My former landlord is trying to extort yet more money from me and my former housemates by claiming that various things were left uncleaned. Even though we definitely cleaned them. Moreover, the house was in a shit state when we moved in, we had technical problems all through the winter (the boiler didn't even work for the first week or so, and kept breaking down), so the rent was definitely way higher than it deserved to be. All in all, I am now really stressed out.

[Salmoneus]

My former landlord is trying to extort yet more money from me and my former housemates by claiming that various things were left uncleaned. Even though we definitely cleaned them. Moreover, the house was in a shit state when we moved in, we had technical problems all through the winter (the boiler didn't even work for the first week or so, and kept breaking down), so the rent was definitely way higher than it deserved to be. All in all, I am now really stressed out.

*thinks back fondly*

Oh yes, I had some of those landlords too. [Had one of them try to claim the deposit even though they didn't inspect when we left, and didn't bother turning up to the place for another month (in winter). Sorry about that mate, not our problem! Foxes knocked the bins over and nobody tidied them up? Well no, that's because you weren't there, our tenancy ended a month ago, so...

Anyway, two small pieces of advice for these problems, from my own experience:
- try talking to the lettings agency, if there is one. Sometimes they're in charge of deposits, but even if they aren't, they can pressure/shame the landlord. It might not work, but you never know.
- if you are going to contest the loss of your deposit (i.e. go to arbitration) do it quickly. Last I checked, tenancy deposit scheme arbitration provisions are time-limited - if you don't contest it through them in a month or so, you're left needing to go to court, which won't be worth it. We had a pretty iron-clad case once, but spent too long trying to be reasonable and e-mailing back and forth with the landlords (with delays on both ends), until we ran out of time...
- remember that 'reasonable wear and tear' are expected and can't be claimed for by the landlords

And for future tenancies:
- at the initial inventory, make formal note of anything dodgy, don't just let it stand at "oh yes, we know about that" - have it in writing. And take pictures, lots of pictures, ideally date-stamped, and ideally with witnesses.
- when you're leaving, take pictures of everything, lots of pictures, ideally date-stamped, ideally with witnesses.

But yeah, if you have an obstreperous landlord, the whole process can be a right bugger.

[linguoboy]

I don't really think those sandals were meant to be worn without socks. I should've worn the other pair, but they were sandy from the beach. And I didn't think I'd be walking that far. But the Thai restaurant I wanted to go to was closed for the holiday, so I walked another half a mile to the next one. Then I decided I just had to get some dessert at another place even further along. And then I walked the whole way back home because it was perfect weather and there was some lovely colour in the sky and I needed exercise.

Probably should have put a band-aid on the spot where the blister tore, but I was in too much of a hurry this morning.

[Vijay]

I don't really think those sandals were meant to be worn without socks.

This sentence does not compute for an Indian brain.

[Vijay]

Cultural differences can be hard to deal with.

[mèþru]

If you don't want to read awful TERF BS, then don't click on the links.

Had an awful day yesterday (so much bad stuff happened, I'm not willing to share). Today, I wake up early and feel like maybe I can put my life back on track. I find a lot of new music and dance in the living room. I browse blogs I like and see that I haven't checked them in a while, so I start going back to older pages. One of these blogs is from my favourite animator, Nina Paley. Then I saw this. And this. She's a TERF. Nina Paley is a TERF now.

I feel horrible. I had so many issues with Nina Paley's political beliefs before this. This is the straw that broke the camel's back. Her blog is featured on mine. The blogroll has all titles of posts from the blogs I feature. Has anyone seen my blog, saw the title I'm featuring and had the same reaction to me as I'm having to her? Did I make someone feel angry or miserable by hosting that blog?

[mèþru]

Also, yes, agree with her that how she was silenced was bad. How facebook approached this was awful. Yes, stalkers discussing how to censor you is awful. But blaming others and blaming yourself is not mutually exclusive. I hope that "gender-critical" isn't another synonym for TERF because I haven't heard of them until recently (well I haven't heard of TERFs until last month) and I have been using that describe my own views (gender is awful and we'd probably be better off without social genders at all).

[hwhatting]

What is a TERF?

[alice]

What is a TERF?

Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist. A subspecies of feminist who denies that there is or can ever be anything in between "male" and "female", and thus refuses to accept the existence of intersex or transsexual people.

[hwhatting]

Thanks!

[linguoboy]

Well, glad that's over.

I've been in a regular gaming group (tabletop RPGs) for several years now and we just dropped someone from it. He's the guy mainly responsible for bringing this group together, in fact. But he had a rough year and basically missed so many sessions that he decided to sit out the rest of that mini-campaign and wait for the next one to start up. But in the process he really alienated one of the players and since the latter is taking over as GM now, he gave your man the boot.

I'm not close friends with either of them, but I've got more of a history with the one who was booted. Plus he trusted me enough to confide in me about what he was dealing with, which put me in the uncomfortable position of knowing his problems but not being able to mention them when arguing his case with the others. Meanwhile, I knew for weeks that they were planning to force him out but didn't feel it was my role to tell him.

I don't think anyone (myself included) comes out of this smelling very rosy. And there's still fallout to manage on all sides. But at least I feel in less of a shitty position now.