I've just sent an email to get an appointment to be advised on insurance matters. Some feeling of success there, but it's kind of tempered by how completely emotional I am at the moment. I have just made a text document so that I can prepare the questions I want to ask in my "advice appointment" (what the hell is natural English for Beratungstermin?) ... and just writing down the questions I want to ask resulted in me feeling completely hopeless, crying ... and then somewhat weirdly, getting up to lock my bedroom door so that no one else can come in. For some reason, I feel safer right now with my bedroom door locked - not like my flatmates are a threat and it's not like they just come into my room unasked, but I really can't deal with other people in this state and I feel slightly more in control to be locked in here. I'm still sitting here with the door locked but I'm starting to see that I'm getting really irrational and it's concerning.
I've been locking my door a bit lately. In the past, I've only ever done that when my flatmates have drunken friends over because they sometimes just stumble in through the wrong door, but lately I just feel safer knowing no one can get in without me having the chance to think about it first. I know this is potentially concerning, but I have no concerns about my physical safety - no urges to hurt myself or end anything and I really only want positive things for myself - but I can see my behaviour starting to turn into crazy person behaviour. I could be out having dinner with friends of mine at the moment but I can't really face a group, so I'm at home, literally locked in my bedroom. Just trying to concentrate on the fact that I have just made a positive step. Yay me! I'm going to unlock the door.
Glossing Abbreviations: COMP = comparative, C = , ACS / ICS = , GDV = , SPEC / NSPC = specific / non-specific