Venting thread that still excludes eddy (2)

[hwhatting]

(Really, the term fair-weather friend was coined for people like you.)

Travis, do you know anything about that friend of Vijay and what exactly she does to make him consider abandoning this friendship? And then, this is the venting thread - the idea is that people vent their thoughts and we offer some support and sympathy, perhaps show a different perspective, but we're not supposed to judge like you did just now.If we don't like what they say or think they're idiots, we're supposed to ignore it and not comment.

[jal]

Travis, there's no reason to be so hostile towards Vijay - you don't know the situation. This is a venting thread, not a condemnation thread. Don't turn into a second what's-his-name-who's-been-banned. @Vijay: do whatever you think is best for your own sanity. It's more important than anyone else's.

EDIT: hwhatting beat me to it.


JAL

[Vijay]

Thanks, hwhatting and jal! And I will try to do what is best for my own sanity.

[Viktor77]

I rarely read a presidential biography that leaves me disappointed, but the one I just finished on President McKinley sure did. I wanted to learn more about McKinley, who he was and especially the circumstances of his assassination. Instead the book I haphazardly picked up at the library was a boring and disjointed read of tariff policy, the gold standard, Republican realignment politics, and why McKinley is underrated as a president, with hardly a single mention of who he was as a man, and not a single paragraph on his assassination.

So I just wanted to rant that I wasted my time reading a book that after finishing required me to consult Wikipedia to learn more....

[Imralu]

Maybe he's just busy for now.

As vijay said, maybe he is just busy, or not in the mood right now. Plus you did say he'd been through some issues himself, didn't you? Maybe he's just not in a going out and communicating well with people place right now.
Or maybe he's just using that as an excuse, I don't know. But it might be worth giving him a week or two and having another go?

Yeah, I sent him another message and he replied in a much nicer way. He's pretty stressed out. He's changed his second job for a different second job, so he's been working three jobs for a little while, and his new second job is stressing him a bit - they want him to work more than he wants to work for them.

So, basically, it's not like it's all over ... I just tend to think really back-and-white-ly and it's hard to stop.

My brain's like "It's working out - scary ... it's not working out and therefore it will never work out with anyone and I'm unlovable, but that's kind of a relief ... it's working out so yay I'm lovable, but fuck fuck fuck, what am I doing ... nope, now it's not working out. Better get used to being alone." The only way I can stop that is to distract myself and not think about it. I know none of this is logical but logical thoughts don't seem to be able to affect my feelings.

Vijay: You can't pour into someone else's cup if you're worried about how little you have in your cup. You're not the devil for prioritising yourself.

Viktor: Start with Wikipedia.

My vent for right now ... I have to go to bed so I'm not wiped out at work tomorrow. I wanted to go to bed earlier. Now I really want to masturbate but it's too hot and I'm all sweaty anyway.

[Vijay]

I'm glad to hear you've heard back from him, at least. I think things will work out in the end for you.

Also, thanks for your encouragement!

And yeah, I think I kinda know that feeling you were just venting about.

[Viktor77]

I wanted to go to bed earlier. Now I really want to masturbate but it's too hot and I'm all sweaty anyway.

If you ever do a cam you should tell me.

[jal]

What, we're now at solliciting webcam sex?


JAL

[Viktor77]

What, we're now at solliciting webcam sex?

Yea, I suppose it was a rather strange thing to say.

[Chagen]

Hey look, a post by me in this thread that's not about my parents!

So, I write some stories for a small group of people on another site. People know my name, and like them. I can usually get several hundreds views at least and my most read stories are in the thousands. But I have terrible work ethic and no motivation, combined with my inability to focus on anything without my ADHD meds. This creates a common situation where I just drop off the face of the earth for several months, get guilty, reappear with some new stories, and then disappear out of nowhere quickly again. I just feel so bad, especially when half-completed sequels are lying on my computer, waiting for me to just fucking finish them. It's a really minor thing, I know, but I feel this situation is emblematic of my inability to work on anything.

Not to mention the rust. Everytime I come back to writing, I feel like I've regressed. I have three-year-old stories that are better than the ones I write now. When I look at other authors' work, it gets even worse. I try to take inspiration from them and improve my craft, but it never works. It just doesn't. I have the scenes in my head but when I try to put them to paper everything is just so stilted and awkward. People still like them, but I cannot ever be happy with my work at such a low level.

While flying to Las Vegas with my mom, I read a fantasy book I bought a long time ago but never really read seriously to stave off boredom. It was standard melodramatic/cheesy fantasy, but the author was still so much better than me that it was humbling. It made me want to write again, hoping to get to his level and then even further. What characterization and plot progression he packed into one sentence I would need several awkward lines to recreate. But it didn't happen. I just couldn't get that same flow to my writing.

Sigh.

Writing is the only skill I have. I have nothing else. I'm terrible at everything. And I can't even do the one skill I have very well. Why do I even keep living? What is even the point of my life? Am I really just to live and die? And I can't even live. I have no idea what the fuck to major in college, I have no skills, and I have no drive. I can't get a job. I cannot even remain a reclusive NEET, as my ADHD saps away my ability to focus. Even with my medication, I find it so hard to keep track of things. I used to read books and write stories. Now, my ADHD and internet addiction have made those nearly impossible for me. I don't even play video games much anymore. All I fucking do is browse the internet and masturbate to porn. I can't even participate in my hobbies, just browse the web. If I do take my meds, I can barely focus but not much, and I also suffer the utter lack of appetite the amphetimines give me. I have to force myself to eat, to the point of wanting to throw up from a regular meal. Food doesn't even have a taste at that point. It's just an unpleasant, sickening ritual I have to go through to remain alive.

I know why I do it too. I browse the internet and beat off because it distracts me from the knowledge that my entire fucking life is careening towards a cliff. Whenever I try to extricate myself from these virtual drugs, the self-loathing and dread comes back. It grips me and makes it impossible to focus on anything. Not that I can remember anything, thanks to this ADHD. I have trouble remembering things from only a few minutes ago. I have to listen to an album several times before I remember the songs. All of my memories are fuzzy and hazy recollections devoid of any detail. I don't even remember the events--I remember that they happened, but nothing but hazy flashes. I certainly don't remember the date they happened. Reading memoirs always bugs me, because it's like everyone else remembers their lives perfectly ever since they were three.

Most people like to look back and reminisce about their childhood. I don't even have a childhood to view, much less reminisce about. Yesterday my father asked me what my first memory was. I couldn't answer. I don't know. I don't even remember the year things happened in. Did I meet my best friend in 6th or 7th grade. I don't know.

I follow a variety of people on tumblr who make interesting images and videos. But a lot of these people are couples, and sometimes I just can't bear to fucking look at it. Seeing those happy couples together, while I sit here unloved and sexless, never having had a girlfriend, much less had sex. It enrages me, almost. Their happiness only sends me even deeper into enraged, bitter despair. It's not fair. It just isn't. Same thing happens when I see people talk about their SO's on the internet. Especially when they talk about it like finding a lover is the easiest thing in the world--I know I'm defective trash, you don't have to fucking rub it in.


Is this my life? To toil through life, unable to enjoy anything due to my fucked-up neurons and then die alone with no legacy, no impact on the world, just a footnote in an obituary? I don't even have the pacifying delusion of an afterlife to believe in. At the same time, death is sweet, sweet release from my pain and dread.

I want to die, but I fear death.

[Imralu]

I wanted to go to bed earlier. Now I really want to masturbate but it's too hot and I'm all sweaty anyway.

If you ever do a cam you should tell me.

Bahaha, not likely! I was going to say, get a job with the NSA, but I just remembered my computer actually has a physical cover on the webcam too, so even if the camera gets activated, you won't see anything. I'm pretty quiet too and my computer microphone is absolute rubbish anyway so ... look, I'm probably a whole lot more exciting in your imagination anyway.

[jal]

At the same time, death is sweet, sweet release from my pain and dread.

Well, yeah, but not in a good way, probably. It seems your main problem is you'd like to have and do a number of things you don't. As I recall, you're pretty young, so there's plenty of time for improvement. But yeah, internet addiction and depression sucks. I sincerely hope you manage to pull through.


JAL

[Imralu]

Chagen, I just read your post. Damn, dude! I want to hug you so much. You remind me of me when I was younger.

I follow a variety of people on tumblr who make interesting images and videos. But a lot of these people are couples, and sometimes I just can't bear to fucking look at it. Seeing those happy couples together, while I sit here unloved and sexless, never having had a girlfriend, much less had sex. It enrages me, almost. Their happiness only sends me even deeper into enraged, bitter despair. It's not fair. It just isn't. Same thing happens when I see people talk about their SO's on the internet. Especially when they talk about it like finding a lover is the easiest thing in the world--I know I'm defective trash, you don't have to fucking rub it in.

Yep, I know what this is like. I never had a love-life until I was nearly 26. An old friend of mine is visiting next week. I used to work with her 10 years ago. This is her honeymoon and while I'm excited to meet her husband, there's a part of me that's like "Oh, fuck you all!" ... and then I feel angry at myself for being so negative towards other people's happiness, but it's just jealousy. I just want to be happy too. And I may or may not be dating someone who could be great for me but it's really showing me how broken I am.

Still, as horrible and painful as the last couple of years have been for me, I am so, so glad that I didn't end it all when I was younger and I sincerely hope you pull through this so you can see better times. When I feel down, I look back rather than forward. It seems counterproductive, but I'm so happy that I left home, even though it felt for many years like I never would ... and I moved to the other side of the world even though I doubted myself for ten years. I know it might seem like an impossibility right now, but you will get away from your family one day and although that doesn't fix everything, I'm sure your mental health will improve. Seriously, hang in there, buddy! I'm rooting for ya (in Australia, that means "having sex" ... so I mean it in the American sense, lol)

... and about the writing - no one who writes well thinks they write well. The curse of creativity is that you're never satisfied. That's how you get better and even if you're not there yet, that's how you're going to end up a far better writer than these smug motherfuckers who love everything they do. Creativity needs self-doubt and self-criticism to spur you on to get better. Also, I get a sense that you see writing as a chore sometimes, like, you're worried about the long times that your absent. I know it's easier said than done, but feeling like you owe people something creative is constricting. You started writing for yourself. It's great that other people enjoy it. Just try not to have your readership in mind when you think about opening up your writing ... it's for you. Be as kind to yourself as you can be! *more hugs*

[Travis B.]

Up and down and up again. All within a span of a few hours. Yay.

[Imralu]

Damn! Sorry to hear that Travis! It'll be nice if you can get something that will actually stabilise your mood.

[Travis B.]

Many days lately I have thought that my mood is actually stabilizing again, with me having mostly normal mood much of the day. Then I have days like yesterday, where I significant mood swings throughout the day, telling me that I still haven't stabilized yet. (Speaking really loudly such that I had to be told multiple times to quiet down, acting really scattered and unfocused in meetings, and at times rambling semi-incoherently was honestly quite embarrassing.) Then I have days in between like today, where I can tell there are ups and downs, but they are less intense. Things probably are stabilizing, because a few weeks ago I had more intense ups, downs, and mixed states all the time. But things have not stabilized entirely yet, or otherwise I would not have days like yesterday. And even if I do manage to stabilize, without med changes things are unlikely to stay stable, as if they would I would not have gotten where I am now (even though the addition of escitalopram certainly made things worse).

[Imralu]

I've hardly been sleeping. I didn't go to 'work' or to class yesterday. My brain just said no. Running on one hour of sleep now and not letting myself nap because I have to teach later and I want to be able to sleep tonight ... and all the political shit coming up in my facebook is making me so angry. Got in a debate with a smug friend of a friend who was proud of voting for a disgusting racist. I've felt actual rage coming up in me and the urge to be violent, which is not something I'm used to or something I can deal with ... and sitting quietly in my room while this feeling comes up, there's no outlet, and anger makes me feel like I'm going to be like my dad ... and it got to the point where I started to get dizzy and wonder if I was going to throw up and I don't have a weak stomach. I just about never need to throw up. I was shaking. I just had to close all of my facebook windows.

Saw my counsellor today. Still dodging a topic I need to talk about. He summed up some stuff about me in a really painful way. I'm being torn apart by the need for closeness, the fear of closeness, and the desire to shut myself away, and all of these are very strong forces in me. I literally end up crying behind a locked door quite a bit. Growing up without any control over my privacy, I don't know how to manage these urges at all and I don't know how to listen to my heart because it's always telling me conflicting things.

Physically and emotionally, I feel like absolute pus. I'm sitting here with my door open just to see how I feel about that, knowing that I can close it any time I want. I feel weird ... especially now that my flatmate who thinks I'm weird has just come out of his room. It's probably the first time he's ever seen me sitting in my room with my door open in more than a year of living with him. I didn't make eye contact. I don't know what expression to have on my face ... eyebrow flash and cheery smile? I don't know.

[jal]

That all sucks. I hope you manage to feel better.


JAL

[kodé]

That all sucks. I hope you manage to feel better.


JAL

WTS

[Chagen]

I had my ADHD meds upped in dosage a few weeks ago, in hopes that they would help me focus better. I think I went too far. Today after taking them, I've been having a side effect called "formication". It can result from amphetamines (like most ADHD meds) and it makes me feel like I have a shitload of bugs crawling up and down my skin, even though nothing's there. I'm in bed right now and it feels awful. I think I've had this before on lower dosages but it never felt this severe. Might have to back down the dosage, I'm not sure I can take more of this.

It's really bad. It's not just itching, I can truly feel these phantom bugs crawling over every inch of my body. It feels EXACTLY the same as the few times a bug has actually crawled on my body.

I'm gonna see if the feeling is gone after the meds have worn off. Though they should have by now...fuck. Sometimes it feels like they're UNDER my skin. Fucking horrifying, especially when I feel them crawling over my face.

Unfortunately, I don't think my family has the money to pay for a new prescription right now :/ Since it's the summer I might just have to not take my pills and get the dosage reduced. I don't really feel all that different right now so it's not like the new dosage is even doing anything good.

[jal]

I've been having a side effect called "formication". (...) I'm in bed right now and it feels awful.

The upside being that you don't *actually* think you've got bugs crawling over you (recalls scene of Hellraiser - 2? 3?). What kind of meds you're on?


JAL

[Travis B.]

Imralu, Chagen, that really sucks for both of you. Really. Hope things get better soon.

Chagen, I would highly recommend calling your psych and telling them about this, and seeing what they have to say.

[Chagen]

Two days later and the effects appear to be gone. I have taken this dosage before without any problems. In addition, the effects lasted for two days (my medication always wears off by the next day), and I noticed that I was much better at focusing the day after than I usually am.

I think what happened is that I accidentally took two of my pills (taking one at first, then forgetting about that and taking another) and had a slight overdose. I'm gonna wait a few days and then take one again to see if the formication comes back (it shouldn't).

[Travis B.]

I have been stuck in a mixed state all day long, continually irritated and/or angry even though I do not want to be so, with a lengthy argument I had with my mother repeating over and over in my head non-stop, while hoping that she does not start it up again when I get home from work, especially because I am trying to contain the thoughts in my head but if it gets restarted I am liable to lash out over what's been going on in my head all day.

[linguoboy]

An hour after a minor physical assault from one of my coworkers and I'm still a bit shaken.